“My brother will be by tomorrow,” I tell Dane as I rub my hands together.
“Well then. You’ll have to let us know how it goes with her…and the bench.” Dane glances around and holds up his bottle. “To living our best life with the ones who make us better men than we ever were before them.”
That rings true. We click our bottles and down it goes—cold and crisp, hitting the spot.
FORTY-ONE
Ava
The women and I all sit on the oversized sectional that’s in Kendall and Dane’s suite. It has perfect views of the lake and that beautiful cotton-candy sky. My heart drops as I think about Kai and me watching the sunset together, admiring the colors that seem to deepen and brighten by the minute. It’s our thing. That, and watching the stars from the hot tub. No matter when or what day, my mind always seems to come back to his smile, the way he holds me, and he always seems to know what I need before I do.
“Emergency girl talk…What happened?” Kendall practically yells as she throws herself on the couch, still holding her margarita, not spilling a drop.
“Maybe I’m meant to be alone, scared shitless that this thing with Kai could be the real thing. What if I hurt him? What if I’m not the right one for him? What if I want to leave…go back to the nomadic life? I still have my van…” I take a deep breath. It all comes out at once and has the girls staring back at me—curiosity and concern written all over their faces.
“How you’re feeling is how you are feeling, but what I see and have heard for weeks now is he’s the yin to your yang.” My sister, of all people, lets her opinion be known. “And you’ve tried to control every aspect of your life, including the people you allow close to you. It’s time to think about what happens if you are the best thing in his life?What if you love being here in Saxville, running your own coffeehouse with a bookstore? What if you sell your van?”
The way the knot in my stomach tightens as she asks the hard questions. The ones I don’t want to answer…or maybe I don’t want to admit all of it is true. It’s what I want. I mumble, “You think I should sell the van?” It’s my security blanket. The last piece that would give up my previous life. The life that doesn’t seem to be aligned with my new life here. These past few weeks have been exhilarating on so many levels.
She moves closer to me and grabs my hands, looking me in the eye with compassion for what’s about to come out of her mouth. “Ava, yes, I think you should sell the van. You know it too. I see your wheels turning. It’s not what you planned for your life, but it’s what has shown up, waving, jumping up and down. Are you ignoring it?”
My eyes drop to my lap. “Yeah, probably. I don’t know why I’m holding on so tightly to something that doesn’t align with me anymore. I’m literally buying a coffeehouse in a week to stay here.”
Kendall looks over at me. “It can be really scary when someone shows up in your life and it doesn’t seem like things fit anymore. But what it really means is that you get to choose what you want to keep in your life. Maybe that is Kai, I suspect it’s Kai. But no one wants to make any decisions for you. We’re here for perspective. It’s what we do for each other. Whatever you choose, we’re here for you.” She reaches over and touches my shoulder.
Lane and Faith are quiet for the moment. I’m sure they have something to say, too. I love having them around. It makes life a whole lot better. “Thank you for being here for me. All of you. Life is different with you all here…another reason I’m staying. I don’t know how I’d go back to not having all you around.”
They all nod. We all stare out at the lake while I contemplate life and what I want my life to look like.Who do I want on this beautiful journey?
Faith walks over to me and perches herself on the edge of the chaise. “What else is holding you back?”
I glance over at her. “Life is easier when you only have to worry about yourself. The pain in my mom’s eyes from the damage my dad did to her…and she kept letting him back in her life, our life.” The rock in my throat feels like a boulder. “Letting go of someone hurts. I’ve only done it once, and I’m not even sure if I actually loved him. I was twenty. So it’s been years, without even a glimmer of the possibility that someone would be in my life. I ignored it, or it wasn’t apparent. It’s too painful.”
She scoffs, “I can relate to that. I spent way too much time being scared and upheaving my life for a guy who left me years previous. Scary doesn’t begin to explain how I felt—terrified might be a better word. There were old wounds that never healed. The best advice I can give you is to sit with yourself and ask whether life would be better with him in it. It took me leaving Aruba and being home to realize he was my missing piece all these years. Granted, there was a lot of healing that started to happen…Am I oversharing?”
I’m enthralled with her story. “Please keep going. It’s oddly comforting, and the knot in my stomach is loosening a bit.”
Everyone says‘awe’…they must love listening to this story. Most of them were there for this whole unraveling of events from what she mentioned before.
“He invaded my dreams, and every thought seemed to circle back to him, but doubt and worry crept in. I couldn’t shake it completely. At that point, there was a bit of regret that I had run instead of staying to figure it out. It’s what happened. I was protecting myselffrom hurt…all the hurt.” She puts both hands over her heart and sighs quietly.
“You ran?” I ask, captivated with her story, sitting up straighter and leaning toward her.
“I did and regretted it days later. Little did I know that he would put his house on the market and move here. He showed up on my doorstep hours before I almost got on a plane to find him.” She shakes her head. “Once you decide to jump in with both feet instead of straddling two worlds, you risk it all. There are times when it will be worth it. You have to decide if you’re ready to risk it all for what the possibilities could be if you let go and follow your heart.” She places her hand on my thigh and leans in. “It might all work out and beyond your wildest dream…”
Hope and relief wash over me; her story is powerful. “It just might. Time stands still when I’m with him. I want to be in his arms.”
Kendall blurts out. “If you let down those walls you have, you’ll see he might fit into your life perfectly. I’m a risk taker, but I don’t say this lightly. When you’ve been loved and taken care of by your person, you don’t want to ever let him go. Do you feel that?”
With an enormous sigh, I say, “Yeah.” Resolve takes over, and I know exactly what I need to do. If I can do it with ease, it might just be my final sign. But now I need to do it. “I know what I need to do.”
My sister hugs me, holding me tightly and kissing my cheek. “You do.” It’s so matter-of-fact, like it was very clear to her what needed to be done, and I’m just catching on.
Kendall blurts out. “Okay, then you know what to do.”
“When can I move into your house?” I’m staying and seeing this through. I’d regret it if I don’t. Wondering if I missed out on the best thing that happened to me. I need to jump. He’s the one for me. I have no doubt in my mind; it’s all the other negative garbage junking up my thoughts. With the stories they’ve shared about how things happened for them, I’m not willing to walk away.
I need to put my heart on the line. It’s the only way to see this through. I’ve signed documents to buy a coffeehouse. It only makes sense to apply the same thought process to Kai. I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair.
