Grayson’s heart thumped helplessly as an unbearable weight of darkness pressed down on him from all sides.
He was vaguely aware that he was on his knees, and the sound of distraught cries filled his ears for a long time before he realized they were his own.
It’s okay,he told himself, as he had been taught.You’re okay, just breathe.
He tried to suck in a deep breath to calm his demons, but all he could manage was a gasp.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven…
He reached almost a hundred before his chest unlocked and he choked in air and let it out in a shuddering sigh.
Soft footsteps on the stairs reminded him that he wasn’t alone in the house, that he’d broken down in full view of Evangeline and Leo, and panic tried to slide its fingers into him again.
He kept his eyes closed and counted again, inhaling and exhaling every seven beats.
When the rush of his heartbeat in his ears quieted again, he realized that someone was moving around him—Evangeline. The swish of a broom told him that she was cleaning up the glass.
A pang of terrible guilt threatened to upend his fragile peace.
“I’m sorry,” he managed without opening his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” she said lightly, still sweeping, her movements slow and measured, as if she were trying not to break his tenuous control over himself.
It made him sad to know that she was frightened of him.
And his focus on her instantly brought him back to himself.
“You don’t have to do that,” he managed to tell her, opening his eyes and getting slowly to his feet so as not to scare her any more than he already had. “I’ll take care of it.”
“I’m almost done,” she said. “And Leo is asleep in his crib.”
He looked around, and amazingly, shehadcleaned up his awful mess just that quickly.
“I’ll just grab a mop to be sure I got it all,” she said, scurrying off to the kitchen with the broom and dustpan.
She had the medals clutched to her chest and he wondered what she was planning to do with them. As far as he was concerned, they belonged in the trash with the rest of the mess—you don’t frame lies.
“Don’t mop,” he heard himself say. “Sit down. You deserve an explanation.”
He wondered if she would just make her excuses and hurry off to bed. He wouldn’t blame her if she did. He couldn’t bear to see that, so he just looked out the window at the moonlit acres surrounding the house where he thought he’d be able to hide himself away.
He heard her empty the dustpan, followed by the sound of the broom closet opening and closing.
When he looked up again, she was sitting at the table, her eyes on her hands.
A beautiful supper was laid out, and his heart broke thinking about her preparing that meal, excited to share it with him.
She can’t even look me in my eyes anymore,a little voice whispered in the back of his head.
But she hadn’t run away, and that was something. He had promised her an explanation, but he’d never really talked to anyone about this stuff other than the required sessions right after it happened.
Evangeline was here waiting, giving him a chance to explain his behavior. He was going to have to give her something.
“I don’t agree with the reasons I got those medals,” he heard himself say woodenly as he approached the table.
She looked up at him as he sat, not saying a word, but listening, her eyes meeting his in a way that made him feel stronger.
“They make it look like I’m a hero,” he said, looking down at his hands. “When I’m really a monster.”
