“I see. Is there no one else?”
“No, not really. I do okay.”
“Do you? I wonder. Right, well at least share that bottle of wine with me. I want to talk to you.”
Here it comes. I sit down opposite him, my head bowed, waiting for the onslaught to start.
“Do you have any glasses, Faith?” His tone is gentle. If he’s gearing up for a confrontation, he’s taking his time about it.
I get up and fetch a pair of long-stemmed wineglasses from my cupboard. I set the stemware on the table and retake my seat as Ewan pours each of us half a glass of wine. He pushes mine towards me, and I can’t bear the waiting any longer.
“I know it was my fault. I’m sorry. I can’t tell you how much I regret what happened, what I did.”
There’s a brief pause, then, “What are you talking about, Faith?”
“The accident. Caroline riding with Ed, and then, and then…” I can’t finish, can’t bring myself to put into words the awful reality of what I caused.
“I know what happened that day. But why would you be saying it was your fault? It was your fuckhead of a husband’s fault.” He pauses again, then, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t come here to slag off Ed.”
“You came to see me. You said that.”
“Yes.”
“To tell me what you think of me.”
There’s a pause. I don’t look up, but I see his hand reach for the wineglass, lift it. A couple of seconds later, he places it down on the table again.
“Oh, and what might that be? What do I think of you, Faith? In your opinion?” His tone is soft, but intense. It never occurs to me to make excuses or try to deflect his contempt. I deserve it. All of it.
“That I was weak that day. That I should have stood up to Ed, made him leave earlier so that we’d be home before the weather changed. That I shouldn’t have offered to swap with Caroline.”
“You didn’t offer. Ed suggested it and Carrie wanted to. You just went along with them.” Again, that even, reasonable tone. Does nothing disturb this man’s quiet calm?
I’d anticipated aggression, a confrontation certainly. I’d expected to be accused, to be on the defensive. Perhaps the absence of all that is what causes my tongue to loosen and the truth to flow so readily.
“I was so glad not to have to ride back. I was cold, tired. So I just let her have my gear and, and…” I can’t continue. I just break down sobbing, drowning in my self-loathing and guilt. Moments later I’m lifted from my chair and find myself clutching at Ewan’s thick cotton shirt as he carries me through into my little sitting room. He settles himself on my couch, me on his lap. I continue to weep, the floodgates opened now as though the events of months ago were only yesterday.
He may have been my nemesis, or so I thought. Now it appears Ewan is more of a catalyst, bringing about a release of the pent-up emotions I’ve been managing to contain up to now. Ewan says nothing, makes no attemptto stop my outpouring of grief. He just sits and holds me until eventually my sobs subside into gulps. I sniffle, try to wipe my nose with my hand, fearful of letting him see my ravaged face. If he thought I looked like shit before…
“Here. You can keep it afterwards.” He shoves a handkerchief into my fingers. I use it to cover my face as he strokes my lank hair back. I don’t attempt to speak, just concentrate on mopping up what I can of the damage as I try to collect myself. When I’m settled at last, Ewan tries again.
“Well, that was unexpected. But long overdue, I suspect. Are you ready to talk now, do you think?”
I nod, though in truth I doubt if I’ll ever be truly ready.
“Let me see if I’ve got this right. You think what happened was somehow your fault? That you might have prevented it?”
Again I nod.
“How? How could you have prevented it? Ed wouldn’t have listened to you. I’m sorry, Faith, I don’t want to sound brutal, but it’s true. He did just as he wanted, regardless of anything you might have said.”
“If I hadn’t agreed to swap, Caroline would still be alive. I wanted a lift home.”
“I know, and you could have had that whether Carrie rode back on the bike or not. I said that to Ed while you were in the toilets getting changed.”
“I… oh.” I’m not sure what difference this makes, but it seems significant.
“If anyone could have, should have stopped Carrie getting on that bike, it was me. If I’d said no, she wouldn’t have done it. But I let her, and by the time I realised the danger it was already too late. If either one of us is to blame it’s not you, Faith. It’s me.”
