That’s been the recurring theme of my thoughts, which was only further solidified last night during the walk Harlow and I took. She made her not-so-subtle point clear.
“You know, ever since becoming a vampire, I’ve gained enhanced hearing. Every time I walk into your house, I can practicallyhearyou moping. It’s really depressing.”
“It’s safer for us all.”
“Maybe or maybe not. When Twilight Grove returns, damn right I’m terrified Alec will be in the crossfire. But I’m terrified of not being with him more.”
Is that what I am? Terrified? Terrified of everything Ryder’s told me, asked of me, wants of me?
I’d made the point to him that he didn’t give me a choice, but even as I spoke the words, they were a lie. Most of what I said that night was a lie. All he’s ever done was try to give me choice, right up to walking away when I asked him to.
Fuck, I miss him.
As I make it to the clearing with a bag of ceremonial items, my limbs are weak—tired. Pushing through the weight on my chest, I set the candles up in a circle that canvases half the clearing for the others to stand around.
All week, I’ve obsessively prepared and reread the texts, practicing the process and incantations. I’ve done it all to keep my head so full of witchcraft that mates and shifters, wars and Seers, Dark and Light magick, has no place in there.
Too bad it hasn’t worked. The deeper into work I threw myself, the more thoughts ofhimwould consume me.
I imagine him now, peering through the trees as I stand here surrounded by lit candles and in my cloak—the same worn to his camp that first night. Imagine him striding into the clearing—first as a wolf and then a man—before taking me in his arms and nuzzling his mark on my neck.
For the millionth time this week, I brush my fingers along it. Faded to my eyes and those of my family, but Harlow and Alec have made quite a few jokes about it.
Touching it feels like I’m touching him. Which then makes me cry because I’m not.
Because I’m an idiot.
Time passes, while I’ve been trapped inside my mental torment when the coven begins arriving in droves. Some wave, but still I remain, surrounded by candles. Fire. The elements.
A wolf howls from far away, jerking everything inside me to a halt.
“Hey.” Harlow touches my elbow, drawing me to her side but angling us away from anyone who isn’t Jasper, also approaching. “You don’t look good.”
“I’m fine.”
Both share a look that understands I’m lying.
“I’m fine,” I insist. “Nervous about leading this, that’s all. It’s my future, after all.” If I say it enough times, maybe it’ll come true.
“Carina, your misery is loud.”
“I’m fine.”I’m fine. I have to be.
When another howl sounds, this one closer, Darkness whispers in my ear for the first time all week.
For once, it’s right.
The coven waits,watching me expectantly. Mom’s beside me to my right, Harlow on my left, and Jasper to her left. Alec is watching within the trees like last time. They’re awaiting the opening of the circle by calling the elements and thanking Hecate for making us who we are. As High Priestess,I’msupposed to speak to Her.
Except…I have nothing to say. Not to Her. Not to the coven. Not even to Mom.
The only person I have something to say to isn’t here because I sent him away.
My fingers tug at the strings of my cloak, and it flutters to the ground, as dark as this whole month has been for me.
The wind blows and I inhale, preparing to run. A light, cool misting of rain caresses my face as I scan the coven, pause on Jasper who tilts his head, Harlow who grins, and finally Mom who simply takes my hand for a brief squeeze.
Then, I take off into the dark forest and go hunting.
