“Straight As?”
“Usually, except for French, which is why I wasn’t valedictorian.Another disappointment on Dad’s list.”He rested against the table edge and Cam sank back into his chair, giving Nic space but also still close, letting Nic know he was there.“Victoria had Garrett when she was very young—his dad wasn’t in the picture long—so it was just the two of them for a long time.They were more like best friends than mother and son.She loved him unconditionally and let him be who he was, which was a little wild, a lot flirtatious, and supremely confident.He was popular, athletic, charming, but also kind and loyal.Open.And always moving, hyper-like.”
“I bet they both drew your father’s attention.”
“Victoria did, the good kind at first.You can’t help but be drawn to her.I’m not surprised Vaughn was in love with her.Hell, my fifteen-year-old self was half in love with her, and I’m gay.”
“And you were in love with her son.”
Nic shivered, like the thought had run up his back and out the branches of the cypress tree tattoo.“Garrett wasn’t around the first few months, but then he started working with Victoria over the summer.I remember this party one night, a fundraiser Curtis hosted for the local conservation society, trying to impress Victoria.I wandered outside and found Garrett fucking one of the waiters in the gazebo.”Nic’s faraway eyes came back to the room, focusing on Cam.“I stood in the shadow of the cypress trees, watching, and I knew then.Accepted it.That I was gay, that I wanted him, and that he was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen.”
Cam thanked all that was holy for his undercover training.He wasn’t sure he’d have been able to keep his emotions off his face otherwise.He shouldn’t be jealous; he’d had other lovers too.Nic’s affair with Garrett had been three decades ago, and earlier Nic had made clear to Garrett that he and Cam were together.Cam’s gut still burned, jealousy roiling with second guesses.Despite what Nic had said, would Cam ever live up to the memory of Garrett?Especially when the memory had come to life again?
Had he made the wrong call committing to San Francisco and Nic instead of returning to Boston?There were other reasons to be here, of course, but without the biggest one, the man he loved, would it be worth staying?
Christ, he thought they were past this, thought he was past this, but doubts resurfaced, loud and nagging.What did he have to offer?A broke FBI agent versus a decorated Marine major and the family he sensed Nic had always wanted.
The squeak of the chair as Nic sat next to him snapped Cam out of his spiral.“How’d it turn to the bad kind of attention from Curtis?”
“He was gone more and more with work, which suited the three of us and Mary fine.He’d proposed, and Victoria and Garrett had moved in.I had a happy life, a happy home for the first time since Mom died.But as Dad’s staff grew to love Victoria, he started tearing her down.He couldn’t have someone else be the center of attention.”
“Physical abuse?”
“Emotional, at first.Snide remarks, cutdowns, controlling her life.Asking her to quit her business.Dictating when, where, and what she could do, most of which she ignored the second he left, but word got back to him and the physical abuse started.First with smaller exertions of power—grabbing her by the arm too hard, dragging her where he wanted her.He had to own her.”
The way Nic spat the words, there was nothing small about it, at least in his mind.And so much of his work—fighting for victims’ rights—made sense to Cam now.
“Garrett was worried,” Nic carried on.“So were Mary and I, more and more so as the abusive behaviors escalated.Then a couple weeks before graduation, Curtis came home unexpectedly.He found me and Garrett together under the cypress trees—dancing, kissing, and half undressed already.”
Cam forced down the resurgent sting of jealousy, focusing on his anger at Curtis.He was the reason Nic wouldn’t dance with him; Curtis had ruined it for him, associating it with a bad memory in Nic’s mind.“Curtis blamed Victoria?”
“He fucking blamed everyone because Lord knows Curtis Price couldn’t have a gay son.He already thought me weak.Seeing another man lead me in a dance, kissing me, undressing me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.She took a hit for me that day.”
“And then graduation day happened...”Cam could only imagine the two-week spiral of hell that had preceded that final confrontation.
“You know the rest of the story from there.Looking back, she must have known she was pregnant.She wanted to protect her children.”
Cam put a hand on his thigh.“Including you, by the sound of it.”
Nic swallowed hard and threaded their fingers together, struggling with the memory of one of the worst days of his life.“I finally argued with him that day.Long and loud enough that I got a broken jaw for it.But at least Victoria and Garrett, and Lette it turns out, got away.”
Cam squeezed his hand.“I just have one question.”
A short bark of laughter escaped Nic’s lips, and Cam bumped his knee, smiling.He lowered his other hand on top of Nic’s, holding tight.“Why is any of this a regret, baby?Or a mess?That’s what you told me the tattoo on your back was about, but I don’t get it.”
Nic held tighter, nearly cutting off the circulation in Cam’s hand.“If I’d held myself back from Garrett, not fallen in love with him, hell, with them and the idea of a real family, or if I’d left sooner, or if I’d called the cops instead of angering Dad more, then maybe they could have stayed and Curtis would have been the one to leave.Maybe we could have made it work—Garrett playing football at San Jose State, me on an academic scholarship at Cal, Victoria getting her business back up and running.But I forced the situation.I forced them to flee.Garrett turned down a full ride to college, Victoria turned her back on her business and hometown, and now, knowing she was pregnant too...I forced them to leave the only place they’d ever known with nothing.”Pain and regret tore across his face, tugging at the corners of his eyes and mouth, before he looked away.
Cam’s heart wanted to beat out of his chest again.Wanted to wrap this man in all the love and kindness he deserved, shield him from taking on the blame he didn’t deserve, and make him understand the love he had to offer was not a curse in any way, shape, or form.It was not something to be ashamed of or regret.
Heart trapped behind his ribs, he settled for reaching out and grasping Nic’s chin, bringing his face back around.“No, Dominic, love is never a mistake, especially not yours.And be honest with yourself, your father was growing more abusive, even before he found out about you and Garrett.Would you have wanted them there without you?With only your father?And what would have happened to you if you’d stood up sooner?How many more punches would you have taken or Victoria or Garrett for you?What would the cops have done if you’d reported your father?A wealthy, well-connected local businessman.You’ve worked these cases; you know how limited the options are.And you know they’re about the abuser, not the abused or the others in their life, though the abuser makes them think it is.Just like you’re doing.”
Nic jerked against his hold, the instinct to turn away and hide the truth in his eyes.
“Exactly.”Letting Nic’s chin go, Cam glided his hand up to his cheek.“You left behind your whole life too, baby.Don’t discount that, the sacrifice you made.And in doing so, you saved them and yourself.”
Nic nuzzled against his palm.“That’s what Mary says.”
“Because that woman is smarter than the both of us.”He brushed his thumb over Nic’s clean-shaven cheek.“Okay, now that we’ve dealt with the past, how do you want to deal with the present?”
