Which is when you finally admit how asinine it was for you to convince yourself, year after year, that he just didn’t want to mess up your friendship becausenoguy cares that much about his own friendships and he definitely doesn’t care that much about hissister’sfriendships, and also because Elijah was no saint and he’d done plenty of selfish, destructive shit over the course of his life and wouldn’t hesitate to do more.
But I thought of none of this, that night we were together.
I’m a logical girl, but I chose to throw it out the window. That’s how badly I wanted him.
“What’s up?” he asks. “You look pissed.”
“I’m thinking your grandmother will be dead by the time we arrive anyway,” I reply, nodding at the traffic. “So we might want to just do a U-turn and head north right now.”
He laughs. “I’m starting to think her dislike of you wasn’tall thatirrational.”
“In my defense, she was probably ambivalent aboutmydeath first.”
I yawn and my jaw pops. I’m a stress clencher, which means my jaw is pretty much always clenched. If I had the money, I’d have gotten a decent night guard...which I’d probably need to wear all day too.
I yawn wider, then wince and rub the corner of my mandible, pushing at the tiny needle of pain there until it begins to disperse.
“What’s going on with your jaw?” he asks. “You’ve been clenching it the whole trip, like we’re about to cross enemy lines. This is supposed to be a vacation.”
I nod at the taillights ahead of us. “And what a vacation it is.”
“This isn’tthatstressful, Easton,” he goads.
I stare out the window. “It’s been a week, and I really thought I’d have heard from Thomas by now. I’m ninety-nine percentsure that he’s going to change his mind, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. And—” I shrug, wishing I’d just left it alone.
“And?” he prods.
I sigh. “It’s just kind of hitting me how many other things might turn difficult if we stay broken up.”
“What do you mean?”
“Being with Thomas might have opened doors that I didn’t realize were opening for that reason. He and I had just started dating when my research turned promising. It became easier to get what I needed at that point—equipment, assistants—and I thought it was about the research, but maybe it wasn’t.”
“So are you worried that you haven’t earned what you’ve gotten, or are you worried it’s going to stop?”
Both. It’s not as if my results are fake—it’s gone really well—but was theenthusiasmabout them genuine? “I don’t know. My friends used to joke about it, like...if they needed tissue samples they’d suggest I order double because I’d definitely get it. Maybe they weren’t entirely joking. And if we don’t get back together and my research starts to flounder...are people going to assume Thomas’s hand was on the scale before? I guess I’m just worried that they’ve been giving him credit all along, and that things will get harder and?—”
My jaw clenches again and I catch it.
“If he’s actually a decent guy, the way you claim, he won’t let that happen,” Elijah insists. “And odds are that if your research has gone well thus far, it’ll continue to, yeah? So maybe you’ll finally get all the credit you deserve.”
I force a smile. “Yeah, maybe.”
Except it sort of misses the point: dating Thomas made my life easier, but my life still wasn’t easy.
So how much harder does it become if we’re not together when I return to school this fall?
We finally reachthe bridge through the Keys. It’s actually seventy bridges, but it sort of feels like one, and even if traffic’s heavy, it’s not as bad as it was and the view is unreal—nothing but water on both sides as far as the eye can see, the sun a gloss resting gently upon its surface.
“Can you do me a favor?” Elijah asks, handing me his phone an hour later. “Open the rental app and get the street address of this place where we’re staying.”
I stare at his outstretched hand without accepting the phone. “Doesn’t your grandmother have a house? Why aren’t we just staying there?”
He hitches a shoulder, his face unreadable. “Her place is kind of small. I just figured it would be more comfortable to be elsewhere.”
It can’t bethatsmall—Elijah and Kelsey and their mother used to stay with her for weeks at a time. Which means she either doesn’t wantmestaying there, or Elijah thinks she’ll be awful to me if I do.
I release an unhappy breath. “You can stay with her, Elijah. I’m not trying to ruin your grandmother bonding time. Cancel the rental, and I’ll find something on my own.”
