My heart throbs with guilt because of how distant my response is from the truth. Peter isn’t even my client and he might not be my boyfriend either but… I have feelings for him.Feelings that I shouldn’t let get ahead of me since we have the serious matter between us currently sitting without discussion.
“He isnota client. We have an associate on his brother’s case and he’s super hot and mobbed up. He could probably throw Inessa over Niagara Falls for you.”
“Peter is not a criminal. I don’t think he would–”
I can’t look Rana in the eye and lie through my teeth to her. Despite what people think, being a good defense attorney is less about outright lying and more about presenting an alternate version of the facts. On some level, you have to buy your own bullshit and I can’t pull that off right now, not a situation I find myself in often.
Rana grins. “He totally would. Can I ask him?”
“No. Do not ask him.”
“Why isn’t he your boyfriend yet? Can I ask about that?”
“I’m going to take you to my house and clean your wounds. Then we’re going to discuss what happened here and come up with a reasonable solution to my ex-husband’s mistress storming into my office and making threats.”
“Do you think she’s actually pregnant?” Rana asks, clearly concerned about Inessa’s threats. I’m concerned too, but the pregnancy part doesn’t shock or offend me anymore than I was shocked or offended the first time I realized what Kennard was up to.And he’s dead, facing no consequences and making my life a living hell. Maybe I should let his stupid ass mistress expose him…
I shrug. Who knows if she’s telling the truth. I’m still in shock from the splattering of blood on my desk and now that I look closely, there are hair extensions everywhere. Rana didn’t go easy on her.
“That would be the least surprising piece of information I learned about Inessa at this point,” I mutter. “Let me get my bag and talk to the front desk.”
“Gotcha,” Rana says, gleaming with excitement that can only come from successfully whooping someone’s ass who truly deserves it. “This is the best job ever.”
I shake my head and try “For the record, you’re not allowed to do that ever again at work.”
“Am I going to get a write up?”
“Hm. More like a raise.”
“Yes,” Rana says with an excited hiss. “I knew it… If there’s anyone else you need me to fight outside of work… that was kind of a rush.”
“Maybe you should join the mob.”
“Oh my God is he actually in the mob?” Rana asks, lowering her voice and looking up at me with wide, dark eyes.
“No. He’s not,” I say, barely sounding like I believe what I’m saying. “I mean… I mind my business, Rana. And you should too.”
“If this is what life is like after divorce, I need to hurry up and get married,” Rana says wistfully. I raise my eyebrow, but she looks down at her phone and she’s lost to one of those apps young people use for the next few minutes while I pack my things. She just barely wiped the blood off her knuckles, but the last thing I need is for those cuts that she shouldn’t have gotten in the first place to get infected.
Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt.
My phone buzzes on the walk down to my car. Rana asks if it’s Peter again, but I don’t check my phone. I know it’s him. I don’t want to talk to him right now. Inessa was a painful reminder of what happens when you let your guard down around a man – they let a psychotic white woman with a vendetta into your life…
I didn’t expect this from Kennard. He was supposed to be my black king and put black love first.Bzzt. Bzzt.Maybe that sense of betrayal is the only thing drawing me to Peter. I want to getone over on the man who hurt me in the worst way… in a way that only seems to get worse the colder Kennard’s body gets in the ground.
There’s no way in hell I’m going to give Peter the chance to hurt me the way my ex-husband hurt me. I’ll draft up an ironclad custody agreement, give him whatever he wants, andifwe go through with this baby, we’ll do it in a mature business-like way appropriate for people our age. We’re too mature to follow our passions to the ends of the earth.
And I’m too old to love again and have it end up the way it did with Kennard. I was already born sensitive and I had to become tough because I happened to be born with a certain complexion and to have the drive towards a highly competitive career that wasn’t designed to accommodate women like me. I don’t want to be an old woman chasing my husband’s dildo-wielding mistress across my front lawn.
I’m too damn tired. And I’m so tired of being tired. I miss the black woman I used to be… who had hope in everything and who saw the future as bright and beautiful to behold. Behind the wheel of my car, I put on an album that I could never admit to anyone at work I’ve listened to several times.Traumazineby Megan Thee Stallion.
Yes, Rana introduced me to the album, I didn’t learn how to be cool on my own. But I listen to it whenever I’m alone and just drown out the bullshit going on with the voice of a black woman who chases her dreams and inspires me to be confident. I wouldn’t dare to try rapping – I know my corniness limits – but I bounce my head along to the first song on the album,NDA, and enjoy the early drive home from work.
Maybe Ishouldretire early…
Rana barely flinches when I clean her wounds with peroxide and analyze their extent. She has Inessa’s toothmarks on her arm too, so I have to clean those out and chastise Rana for not telling me she had a bite earlier.
“I don’t think she was rabid,” Rana grumbles. “I didn’t want to worry you.”
