The thought of never seeing the sun again, never touching another girl… Scares the crap out of me, honestly. Dating hasn’t been so easy these days and I thought I would have more time to live my life. I can’t let my father see this weakness.
My father puts his hand on my back in a silent effort to comfort me. I don’t know if it’s working. It’s just easier to turn my brain off and follow the orders presented to me that will keep my family safe and strong. I’m nearing thirty now, it’s time for me to build my reputation and connections with small acts of loyalty and sacrifice.
I just hope I don’t have to sacrifice my whole life.
“In this way, you’re stronger than your brother,” my father says, offering up more motivation for me to carry on with taking the fall here. “Always been less emotional.”
I’m sure to him, I seemed that way. When you grow up in lock step with your perfect mirror, you see your own flaws play out. Renzo seems far less self-conscious about his emotions and easily overreacts. It’s a miracle Geralynn can put up with his mercurial nature at all. I learned from a young age that nothing good comes from wearing your heart on your sleeve in this family.
Even my father uses love to manipulate. I only trust him now because others have noticed this difference between myself and my twin brother. Although now, I also have stubble, which I hoped my father would notice since my cousin Flora says it makes me look more matureandmore Italian, which I like.
“If you go in,” my father says. “You can be useful to us. I’ll make sure you have a cellphone, as much money in your commissary as you need and weapons to defend yourself. Don’tmess with any Blacks, Hispanics, or hardcore racists. Right now, we don’t have anyone else on the inside…”
“That won’t be good if they send me down to the city.”
“They won’t,” my father says. “Trust me, Gino. Just because you’re the youngest, doesn’t mean you’re a spare son. Your blood is just as important to me as Luigi’s.”
“Hm.”
A fish jumps in the distance and I wish I could follow behind and swim away from all my problems right now. It’s not just going to court that’s on my mind, but the horrible situation with my sister and cousin, the trouble in Pittsburgh, and my utter horror that I might fall behind in life no matter how the trial plays out.
“Life is funny, Gino. You dismiss your youngest son and he ends up being the one who could make you the most proud. No, no. I believe in hierarchy, but I also believe in your importance. Do you understand?”
“I think I do.”
My father spends most of his time speaking in parables in a state of semi-drunkenness. I might understand the pure content of whatever he says, but figuring out his subtext requires a deep dive into the psyche of a man that only my mother has ever understood. And I’m pretty sure she worked her way into his head and heart with a mixture of homemade cannolis and the best lasagna on the East Coast.
Leandro’s kids didn’t get the privilege of comprehending his motives.
“I’ll look after you, as long as you look after your blood.”
I feel a strange icy chill running through me. He sighs. “I’m no racist and I love the kids. I love them dearly. Luigi made goodchoices and Renzo… He’s had a strange fixation with Nicki’s friend for a long time.”
We can both agree there. Renzo had a creepy obsession with pranking her, even when we were teenagers. I couldn’t have cared less about Geralynn’s existence and hardly noticed her.
My father continues. “But you have not yet chosen a bride and you have a chance to do something to help this family. To marry someone who forms a strong political alliance with our family.”
“Who? Someone from Pittsburgh?”
“I don’t know,” my father says. “And I understand choosing to marry for love but… I want just one son who chooses politics.”
He sighs with deep disappointment that fills me with a burden that I never realized that I felt. Am I really so desperate for the old man’s approval? Perhaps I shouldn’t take offense. I’m unmarried and considering everything we just went through with Angela and Cosima, I can’t blame him for having concerns about peace.
But my happiness is irrelevant to my father, it always has been. And it gives me pause about going to prison for this man… potentially for the rest of my life. I have to trust that he has my best interests at heart. That he truly loves me.
At times, I’ve been uncertain.
Is that wrong to say? I guess my job is just to do what I’m told… and help my family.
If I want a family of my own or love later on down the line… then I’ll figure out how the hell that could possibly work in the fucked up world of darkness and violence that I live in.
Chapter Seventeen
Peter
Aricia’s pissed off, and there’s nothing I can do about it because I’m hours away in Pennsylvania seeking vengeance on the bastard who hurt her in the first place and put us in this uncomfortable position. I suspect there’s much more than the pregnancy test bothering her judging by her voice but…she hung up on me.I’ll have to have a serious discussion with my alpha female when I get back to Buffalo. That crap might work on other guys, but it drives me crazy when she hangs up on me and I can’t tolerate for a second not working out and fixing whatever the fuck she needs me to fix.
“Are you done getting chewed out?” Michael says gruffly, as if I haven’t put up with his bullshit relationship issues over the years.
