“Ava Hale.” My voice was firm. “I’m going to date her, and it’s time you remembered her name, Ellie. I won’t tolerate you speaking of her in any other terms. Not after you leaked information to Bianca about our plans for The Galley.”
Ellie hesitated, and for a second, I saw a vulnerability to her while she stared back at me. “I’m sorry about that, Desmond. Truly, I am.”
When she refocused on me, her voice was like steel. “Do you know why I tried to leave this company twice already?”
I raised my eyebrows.
“Because I always hoped I could persuade you that whatNick and I had wasn’t serious. And I hoped you and I could be something. Every time I tried to leave, you convinced me to stay on, and we became closer as friends, but it never led to anything.”
She looked away, and I felt troubled.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I suspected it, but until a few months ago, I didn’t think I was the kind of guy who could commit to anyone. I didn’t want to string you along when I knew I had nothing serious to offer.”
“But Ava changed that for you?” she asked.
I hesitated. I still wasn’t sure why, but being with Ava made me love the idea of commitment because it meant I was committed to her.
“She’s my childhood sweetheart, Ellie. I loved her and lost her once before, and I can’t lose her again. Not when I know how deeply I still love her. Not when I know that she is as amazing as my fantasies have built her up to be. That she is the only thing in this world that lights me up.”
Ellie heard me out and then nodded. “Well …” she said, swallowing and trying to look more composed. She stepped in and held a newspaper clipping out to me. “Perhaps this will help you two celebrate better.”
“If it’s good news, then Ava deserves to see it first,” I said simply while Ellie’s eyes widened, looking impressed.
“All right, I’ll send it to her then.”
She stepped back and evaluated me. Finally, she gave me a nod just as the elevator doors tried to close. “You two lovebirds behave now,” she said, waggling a finger at me.
“Behave?” I asked, pressing the button for the lobby. “Not a chance.”
43
AVA
On the first weekend when I felt emotionally better, I put on my leggings and sweater and took the subway out to the Bronx. It was a long way off and took me an hour and a half with connections to finally walk up to the cemetery. The entrance was marked by a stone archway, leading to a path that wound through rows of gravestones.
I walked through the growing grass, my feet weaving between the headstones until I found Mom’s grave. Other grave sites had flowers, photos, and personal mementos. I felt ashamed that Mom’s grave would have nothing.
I spotted the caretaker a few feet away, clearing out some of the old flowers, and I waved to him in the distance.
It was exactly one year from the day of her death. The last time I had been here was for the funeral. I’d been in a daze back then, and Gabi and the others had helped me through it.
When I found Mom’s grave, I saw to my surprise that there was a fresh set of flowers. Lilies—Mom’s favorite. Iknelt down next to it. Mom had a few friends who lived in the Bronx. But I simply couldn’t picture them visiting.
I felt a twinge of guilt at my own disconnect from Mom, and I set my own flowers—another bouquet of lilies—down on the grave, speaking to Mom as I did so.
“A lot has happened in the year you’ve been gone, Mom. Did you know that your music collection is now with Andy, the only male book club member and the man who secretly had a crush on you for the longest time? He’s given them a new home, and he listens to them often. I keptThe Best of Simon and Garfunkelthough. I know that was your favorite CD, and I listen to it some days.”
I paused. The sounds of rustling leaves and the distant chirping of birds were my only answer.
I sigh. “The book club is still going strong. Last I heard, they’ve moved on to bringing cakes instead of cookies now, and they’re getting quite creative with their baking.”
I remembered something else and chuckled. “I also hear they’re exploring bolder books than you let them, Mom. Regency romances, apparently. They seem to really like them.”
The branches of the tree beyond swayed gently, casting a pattern of sunlight on the ground.
I stared at the grave, unable to make small talk anymore. I had a sudden onslaught of emotions. “I’ve missed you so much, Mom.” And the surge of emotions brought out the truth in me. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you confide in me about all the doctor’s appointments? I feel so bad that you hid those from me, Mom. I feel like I wasn’t the good daughter I should have been. I feel like I failed you somehow, and I don’t even know how.”
It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. After making that admission. After telling her I was disappointedwith her. And the last traces of that bitterness left me, leaving space for something more wholesome to fill me again.
