“I can understand that.”
A leaden silence descended as we stood close, and I wondered if we’d ever be able to recapture what we had.
48
For the past three weeks, I’d had nothing but time on my hands. Other than the five days I spent in a drunken stupor, I replayed every single detail that happened before and after the fight. I dissected every thought and explored every what-if, driving myself crazy because none of it changed what happened.
I lost the fight to Jay.
Various emotions plagued me, but I never settled on one long enough to determine how to move forward. Mainly with my career, but more importantly with Sophie.
We hadn’t spoken since she went to stay with her father. She called me numerous times, texted even more, but I never responded. I feared if I did before I was in the right headspace, I’d say something I’d regret. That didn’t mean that her absence didn’t leave an emptiness in my core, a gnawing ache that radiated through my entire body. It was as if part of me was missing. I loved her more than I did before she left, and I didn’t know how that was even possible. My head warred with my heart, and as confusing as my entire life had suddenly become, she was the one person who gave me sanctuary.
Initially, I blamed her for losing the fight. If she’d only listened when I told her to stay put, I wouldn’t have been distracted. But after my drunken haze subsided, I’d come to the realization that Sophie did nothing wrong. It’d been my fault. First for pursuing her, then for giving in to the hope that perhaps I did deserve love.
But if not for the distraction of love, I’d still be the champion today.
An angry, lonely champion.
The thing was, I’d give up everything for her. I’d told her that once, that I’d risk it all. Hell, that was my way of telling her I loved her before I said the actual words. It just took me some time to recall how my heart had become bigger because of her. Stronger, even. But I remembered now, and I vowed never to forget again.
The only regret I held was that I wasted precious time wallowing in uncertainty. I’d typed out countless texts to her, only to delete them. I’d dialed her number almost every day but never connected the call. But I didn’t need any more space from the woman I loved. I’d swallow my pride and beg her to come back if that was what I had to do. As for the rest of it, I’d figure it out later.
I contemplated calling or texting her to see if she would agree to meet up with me to talk, but I ran the risk she’d either not respond or tell me no. My best bet was to just show up. If she saw me in person, she might be less inclined to ignore me. The move was risky, but I prayed it paid off.
I grabbed my keys and rushed out of my apartment. I’d just locked my door and headed toward the top of the stairs when Sophie appeared at the bottom. Was I hallucinating? Was she really here? Did she have the same inclination to see me, to hash things out? Or did she want to end our relationship in person?So many questions rattled my brain, but if we kept staring at each other in silence, none of them would be answered.
She didn’t notice me at first, which allowed me time to drink in the sight of her. Dressed in pink yoga pants and a matching tee, she looked delectable. Her hair was piled high on top of her head, and she didn’t wear a stitch of makeup, not that she wore much to begin with. She was a natural beauty. A rare beauty. When she reached the middle of the stairwell, she clutched her chest the moment she saw me. I could’ve apologized for startling her, but I didn’t want to fracture the silence by speaking. Not yet.
My heart beat double time as she climbed the rest of the stairs, anticipation and anxiety dueling for the win. When she was five feet from me, her eyes collided with mine, and I couldn’t determine if she was happy to see me or just recovering from her surprise.
“Hi,” she finally said, her voice soft, reserved.
“Hi.”
“Trevor told me you’d be in the gym. I wasn’t expecting to see you.”
“Oh.” A cloak of disappointment wrapped itself around my heart and squeezed so tightly, I struggled to breathe. So, she didn’t come here to see me. This was by chance.
“I’m not sure why he would’ve told you that.”
Her shoulders lazily bounced as she fiddled with her keys. “I don’t know. Maybe he did it on purpose.”
“Maybe,” I responded, making a mental note to thank my friend for inadvertently setting up this accidental meeting.
I allowed the silence to simmer between us as I summoned the nerve to broach the conversation we needed to have. We both opened our mouths to speak, but she beat me to it.
“I see you’re not wearing the sling anymore.” She pointed toward my left arm. “How is your shoulder?”
“It’s getting better. I’ve been going to physical therapy a couple times a week. The doctor said there wasn’t any nerve damage but warned me if it happens again, I’d most likely end up with a permanent issue.”
“That’s good there was no damage, then.”
“Yeah.”
In all the time I’d known Sophie, we’d had varying encounters, but this right here, standing so close yet miles apart, was the worst one yet. I knew where my head and heart were, but I couldn’t say the same for her. Had the time apart allowed her to reevaluate what she wanted, not only from me but for her life in general?
She approached the door to her apartment and inserted the key. “I left one of my chargers here. It’s for an old device, and I can’t find a replacement.” We held each other’s gazes for a moment before she opened her door and stepped inside. She didn’t close the door behind her, and I took that as a sign that I could enter. Was I wrong? I supposed I’d find out shortly.
