He said to her, “’Tis too cold for you to be out walking. Come inside, where it is warm.”
She followed Christian to his solar. When he closed the door, she took a deep breath to gather her courage.
“I’m sorry for everything. I have something I need to confess.”
The hopeful look left his face, and she knew he was probably afraid she was going to tell him she had a secret husband or was running off with a merchant, so she had to spit it out before he kicked her out.
“Where I came from, I was always focused on getting ahead in life. And I always believed you could be whatever you wanted to be. But I was lying to everyone. I told them that I grew up wealthy, when in fact I had a terrible childhood.”
Christian took her hand. “Are you married to another?”
“Nay.” She shook her head.
“The night you sang in the inn…you had much to drink and you told me of your mother. The man and woman who made you their own.”
“I don’t remember much of the night. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“We all have wounds that are slow to heal. We will heal old wounds together.”
She didn’t know what to say. He’d known about her childhood all this time and didn’t care. Cold bloomed in her chest. Had she told him the other thing?
“Wait.” She paced in front of the fire, skirts swishing as she walked. “When I ended up here in medieval England, I felt like I had gone backwards. The thought of living in a place where people were content to stay in one town their whole lives—it felt like failure. All I could think about was going back. Now I know I’m not a failure, where I lived doesn’t matter, and it’s who I’ve become that matters.” She held out her hand. He took it instantly.
“I found something different here, something that banished thedarkness. I found you, and Merrick and your family, and realized that’s all I need in life.”
“Then make me complete. Marry me, Ashley Bennett.”
A tear slipped down her face. She wiped it off, but another followed.
“I want to. But I cannot.”
“Why? Do you not care for me?” His hands had turned cold, chilling her through. “Mayhap in time, you would come to care for me?” Christian wiped her tears away with the pads of his thumbs.
She cried out. “I care plenty. It isn’t that at all.”
“Then what is it, my love? Together there is nothing we cannot overcome.”
“I can’t have children,” she whispered.
“I did not hear.”
Ashley bit her lip. “I cannot have children.”
Christian looked confused. “How can you know such a thing?”
She took a deep breath. “When I was fifteen, I was in a lot of pain. My mother took me to the doctor and I had to have an operation. Surgery. They cured me, but the result was I cannot have children. And the funny thing was, I never cared. Not until I met you.”
Her throat was raw, and she swallowed, trying to find the words.
“I know how much you want children and a big family. So no matter how much I wish to marry you, I cannot. You have my blessing—find someone else who can give you the children that you long for.”
As she looked into his eyes, she saw him as timeless as the castle around him. A bit worse for the wear around the edges, but standing. And she knew he would never leave her. He would always be there to catch her. That was why she had to send him away, so he could have a chance at happiness.
Christian was silent for so long that Ashley knew she had heranswer. She disentangled herself from his arms and walked to the door, her heart shattering like the icicles on the trees.
“Stay.” He caught her up in his arms. “I have been a fool. All this time, I thought if only I had a big family I would no longer feel lonely. But I do not need to fill Winterforth with children. All I need is to be loved and to love. Tell me you love me, for that is all that matters in this world.”
Ashley was crying so hard that Christian’s face was blurred by her tears. “Of course I love you, but what does it matter? You aren’t thinking straight, and you will resent me as the years pass when you realize you want children and I cannot give them to you. You must let me go.”
