I just need more time.
CHAPTER 24
CAMILLE
It’s been six days since Adam left me crying in bed, and I haven’t heard from him once. His silence is slowly breaking me into a million pieces and scattering me across the mountains surrounding my house. I took Rachel’s advice, and I texted him on Sunday asking to talk. He never responded.
I’ve been avoiding everyone all week, and Lizzy is avoiding me. Rachel’s reached out to me a few times, but I’ve ignored her messages.
I’m trapped in one big loop of avoidance, and it sucks.
I’ve called Lizzy four times, and she hasn’t answered. She’s never avoided me. Not even during her younger, wild child days when she was getting herself into trouble. Her avoidance is making this worse. I’m doing the same thing I did after Mark and Alex died. I’ve retreated in on myself and am pushing the rest of the world aside.
But I can’t do this to myself again. I’ve come so far, and I owe it to myself to keep living. Even if Adam never wants to see me again. Plus, I leave for New York today for the book conference I agreed to sign at months ago. My agent will kill me if I bail at the last minute. I’ve failed my agent and editor too many times over the past two years. I can’t fail them again.
I must live my life no matter how hard or uncomfortable it gets.
My flight doesn’t leave until this evening, and I can’t leave Montana without at least trying to talk to Adam. I’ll be gone for a week, and I can’t go that long without trying to resolve this between us. This sense of loss and hurt inside me has made it very clear to me just how much I love him.
The pain of his absence isn’t as severe as the pain that consumed me when Mark died. That was all-consuming and felt like I had been ripped in two. My pain over Adam is a constant throb throughout my body. It feels more like the surface of my skin is under constant duress with no relief in sight. It’s a weird sort of pain and in many ways worse than when I lost Mark. Losing him was finite. The End. No takebacks. There was no coming back from that.
It hurt like hell, but I had no choice but to accept it. It’s taken me awhile, but I’m finally there. Mark and I had a great life together. It was beautiful and full of love. But that’s gone now. It’s in my past. I will never forget what we shared, but it’s time I do more than just accept the loss. It’s time I move on. No matter how much that might hurt Lizzy. She has her own pain to work through—and I’ll always be here to help her—but I deserve happiness, too.
It’s taken a lot to get me to admit that to myself. I’ve been given a second chance. A chance I didn’t think I wanted. A chance I didn’t think I could ever have again. A chance I didn't think I deserved.
Adam makes me feel whole. He makes me want to be better. I’ve even started to accept that I’m not to blame for the accident. I’ve spent so much of the past two years dwelling on my role in Mark and Alex being in that car. Like I somehow controlled the actions of the other driver. It still hurts to think about Alex, it probably always will. But somehow, Adam makes it all easier.
It’s time I fight for what I want. And I want Adam.
I just hope it's not too late.
An hour later,I pull up outside Adam’s office. I don’t see his truck and the lobby is dark. I get out to check the door anyway. If there’s a chance he’s here, I need to know.
It’s locked, so I knock. I only wait a few seconds between knocks, but it feels like an eternity. With each passing second, my anxiety increases. Too many days have passed since Adam left. I never should have let my fear stop me from going to him sooner.
I knock at least five times out of desperation even though I know no one is coming to answer. He’s not here.
As soon as I get in my car, I dig my phone out of my purse. I don’t let myself think. If I do, I’ll talk myself out of calling him. The phone rings twice before it goes straight to voicemail. That’s all I’ve gotten all week.Where is he, and why won’t he answer my calls?Did I mess this up that badly?
I drop my phone on my lap and let my tears flow freely. I used to fight them, but not now. Not anymore. I need to get all these emotions out of me before I explode.
My phone rings and my heart rate jumps, making my chest feel light. I answer it quickly, “Hello.”
“Well, it’s about time you answered one of my calls.” I cringe at the sound of my mother’s voice. She’s the last person I want to talk to. “I’ve called you at least ten times this week alone.”
“Hello, Mother.” I wipe my face and calm my breathing. “That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”
“Hardly. Why have you been avoiding me?”
I drop my head and sigh. “Not avoiding. Just busy.”
“Don’t use that tone with me. You know I don’t like it.” My mother is always a difficult person to deal with, but today she’s downright unpleasant. I recall two missed calls from her in the past two weeks. She always exaggerated situations to fit her needs, and right now I’m in no mood to deal with her.
“What did you need?” I ask, trying to keep this conversation moving.
“I spoke to Lizzy a few days ago. She says you’re not talking to her. Please tell me you’re not cutting your own daughter out of your life, too.”
“Of course not.” I quickly shift from annoyed to angry. How dare she flip this on me, and make it out like I’m the one at fault.Typical. “I can’t believe you’d even suggest such a thing. I told you, I’ve been busy.”
