I dropped my hand as Nix glanced down the corridor, almost as if he was checking to see if she had followed him. Did I imagine that slight glimmer of hope?
“Isn’t that what you wanted anyway?” I suggested softly, nudging his foot with mine.
Nix shrugged and dashed a hand down his face. “I honestly don’t know now.”
Taking a deep swallow, I stared down the empty corridor. Was he stalling to see if she’d come after him? Beg him not to leave.
I watched as he paced back and forth, his eyes glued on that space that led to the back of the house. “What do you want to do?”
The silence in that hallway was suddenly deafening, and I chewed the inside of my cheek, not knowing what else to say.
“Fuck her. Come on,” Nix eventually snarled, spinning away.
He didn’t take my hand as we left the house. Luckily, the front door was open, and as we stepped out into the fresh air, I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I felt tongue-tied. Phoenix was walking fast; his long strides were hard to keep up with. At that point, he didn’t glance back once, and I felt my heart squeeze. “Nix, please, not so fast,” I choked out roughly, almost running to catch up. Thankfully, my breathless comment made him slow down.
“Sorry,” he said, cutting me a look. “I just feel—shit, I don’t know how I feel.” I could see all the wheels turning in his head.
“Did she tell you why she left you?” I panted as we exited the gates of the estate and made our way towards the car. The only thing I had to offer him was an ear if he wanted to talk, but I had a feeling that wasn’t what he needed right then.
“Yes, and it was pretty lame.”
I decided not to push it.
The journey home was strained, with a definite atmosphere. Nix didn’t go into detail about his mother, but he did say he’d met his brother Alex by chance.
When we took the ramp off the freeway towards Newport, roadworks diverted us, and we drove close to the street, which led to my old house. To break the tension, I asked Phoenix if he minded us taking a detour.
As he pulled the Jeep against the sidewalk next to the grand gates of what was once Radcliffe Manor, my eyes roamed over the section of roof that could be seen peeking out from the overgrown hedges.
“So that’s it, you’re old house?” Nix questioned as he put the car in park. I hadn’t spoken about it for years and had never taken him there. I nodded.
Being there with Phoenix was like an emotional grenade had just been thrown into the car.
I swallowed a lump in my throat. “Yep, I used to walk up and down this street, jumping in puddles with my mom. Before she died.” He must have heard the crack in my voice. Removing his seat belt, Phoenix leaned over the central console and took my hand.
He drew his head back as if uncertain of what to say.
After around a minute, Nix exhaled and muttered, “I’m so sorry, Harper.” From his forlorn expression, I could see just how sorry he was, and I offered him a small smile. “Shit, I’ve been that wrapped up in my own crap that I hadn’t been there to help you through yours.” I could hear he was fighting to control his own emotions after what he had been through that day. And I didn’t feel bad that it was suddenly about me, because it wasn’t.
That moment was aboutbothof us.
My ill feelings towards Phoenix for having cleaved me out of his life continued to fade. I knew that wasn’t the case now; I had just wanted someone to blame for all my woes. Nix had tried to come back for me. But he’d had his own shit to cope with.
When I first joined the Sawyer family, Nix had been settled and happy, like he had moved on with his life without missing a step. I knew now, after his reaction to seeing his mother, that wasn’t the case. His demons had been on hold, just like mine were. And now I had brought him to my house, it felt like we’d at last exposed our fears to each other again, but this time, as adults.
It was still a hard pill to swallow, seeing Nix so tight with his other foster brothers, and I knew it was wrong to be jealous. I had always (reluctantly) admired their bond. What could I say? I had been a surly teenager and had wanted Phoenix to myself, just like the old days.
Anyways…
I pressed my lips together before I spoke. “It’s OK.” My skin heated as we both leaned back and stared through the passenger side window at the part of the house you could see. Nix gently traced the line of my forearm with his fingers. The gesture was soothing.
“I just wanted you to see it,” I explained, my throat suddenly dry.
After a brief silence staring at the sorry-looking exposed brickwork, Nix turned and looked at me with a thoughtful intensity. “Do you want to go up there?”
I leaned my head back against the leather headrest. “No, it’s all boarded up now, and half the house is missing.” I didn’t tell Phoenix I went in there all the time, as I knew it was dangerous. It was also the place where I stored my trophies, and I wasn’t ready to share my issues at what felt like a bitter but sweet moment between us.
As if he could read my mind, he said, “Do you ever come here by yourself?”
