Nate leaned back, puzzled by the way his mom was speaking to him.“What are you talking about?I just had a disagreement with someone.”That was putting it mildly and not at all assigning as much of the blame on himself as was necessary.
His dad barked a laugh.“In my day, they called it self-sabotage, but I guess kids these days aren’t as up on self-awareness as I thought they were.”Nate looked at his dad quizzically, waiting for the older man to explain further, but he stared off into the orchard for a minute.“Did we ever tell you the story of our first kiss?”
Nate rolled his eyes.“Only about a million times.”The story of how his father had rode his bike all over Applewood was a favorite of Nate’s, but now he wondered if it hadn’t given him unrealistic expectations of love.“I don’t see what that has to do with how I’m feeling right now though.”
Nate’s dad smiled sadly.“Well, there’s a part of that story that I left out.Want to hear it?”Nate’s shoulder bobbed helplessly.It seemed to be the only thing he was good for at the moment.Whether he wanted to or not, his dad would tell him and honestly, he could use the distraction from his misery.“About two weeks before that night, I heard a rumor that your mom was going to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance.”
Nate looked at his mom who confirmed the information with a head nod.“How could I not ask the most handsome boy in school to the dance?”
“Thank you, Love.”Nate’s father smiled adoringly at his mother before turning back to Nate.“Instead of being excited that the prettiest, most amazing girl in the whole world was going to ask me out on a date, I panicked and started to avoid her every chance I got.”
Nate pulled back, surprised by this twist in a story he’d heard since he was five.From everything he’d been told his whole life, his parents had always loved one another and that had never wavered.“But you loved her.”
Nate’s dad chuckled humorlessly.“That I did, but I didn’t love myself nearly enough to believe that she would want to slum it with someone who was only ever destined to run an apple farm.So many other guys in school were going to go off to become doctors and lawyers, and a good many of them had their eye on your mother, but she wanted me.”He huffed a breath and ran a hand over his beard.“Still can’t believe it most days.”
Nate’s mom reached over and swatted her husband lovingly.“Hush, now.You know I only ever had eyes for you.”
“I do now,” his dad said.His father wrestled his gaze away from his wife and pointed it back over to Nate as he smiled sadly.“But back in the day, for a couple of weeks I thought I needed to make something of myself to be worthy of her attention, not realizing that I was already more than enough.The more time passed with me avoiding her, the more hollow I started to feel until finally I decided that I would rather live the rest of my life trying to feel the worthiness she saw in me rather than go another second without her.That’s why I rode around everywhere that night, not to get a kiss.”He looked over at his wife and winked.“Well, not just that.”
Nate ignored the lusty looks his parents were giving one another as he tried to figure out how that related to what had happened between him and Lottie.“Why are you telling me all this?”He rubbed at his chest, feeling the same hollow ache his father had described moments ago.
“Because you’re doing the exact same thing, Nate.”His dad looked out onto the trees again as he spoke, his eyes seeming to look past the orchard and into another time.“You’re pushing away something good because you can’t let yourself believe that someone would love you enough to do anything for you.”
Nate looked down at the ground.“She should have let me try on my own.”
Nate’s mom scoffed.“Don’t give me that ‘adversity breeds greatness’ crap, Nate.”She slapped her knees and rose from the porch.“Sometimes that’s true, but other times you just need to accept someone else’s help to save everyone a whole lot of time and trouble.Lottie sees that, and it’s about time you did too.”
His mom stalked into the house, the screen door slamming shut behind her.Nate looked at his dad who was staring after his wife and trying to hide a smile.“Oh, she’s not mad at you, son.”His father squeezed his shoulder and looked at him fondly.“She’s just upset that you’ve been dragging this out for so long when she’s wanted Lottie as a daughter-in-law for about fifteen years now.”
“Fifteen?”Nate asked, his mouth agape.“One, we were too young to get married back then, and two, I was annoyed by her for most of high school.”
Nate’s dad looked at him knowingly.“The first is true enough, but I’m not so sure about the second, and I don’t think you are either.I think you always knew you loved that girl Nate, you just chose not to see it for a long time.Just like you chose to believe the whole town was behind the funding for your little project when that was obviously not the case.”
Nate scowled.“How was it obvious?I really thought the whole town was behind me.”
His father shot him a withering look.“For the most part, they were, but son, you’ve been seeing what you want to see and ignoring what you didn’t.”His father raised his brow in question.“Don’t you think it’s time you stop ignoring what actually makes you happy?Get out of your head, Nate.Or maybe go talk to someone about why you always panic.Therapy works wonders for anxiety.”He squeezed Nate’s shoulder one last time before heading into the house as well.
Nate wasn’t sure how long he sat on the porch, staring at the closed screen door, but he did know that there was only one person he wanted to see walking through it that entire time.The longer he sat and turned over everything that had occurred in his mind, the more Nate realized that he had been completely in the wrong.He had never been afraid of his love for Lottie, but of her love for him.She had the grace and patience that a stubborn ass like him needed.Lottie was everything good and right in this world, and being worthy of the love of someone like that was scary.How could he ever live up to it?The truth was, he probably never would, and instead of accepting that and letting her love him as he was, he pushed her away again.Worse, he’d also used her helping him as the excuse, turning an act of great kindness and generosity into something ugly.
Cursing himself for being an idiot, Nate jogged over to his car, intent on driving over to see Lottie and begging her to take him back.Hopefully he hadn’t used up all of his chances with her because he would never sleep again if he had.As he turned the keys and the engine clicked but didn’t turn over, he thumped at the steering wheel angrily.
Jogging back toward the house, he ran inside and straight to his dad.“Can I borrow your truck?Mine won’t start.”
Nate’s dad clucked his tongue as he sipped his afternoon coffee.“Truck’s in the shop today and your mom just left on a grocery run.”He smoothed a hand over his gray beard, a slow smile coming over his face.“If you’re that eager to get on the road, my bike tires are full of air.Took the old cruiser out for a ride just the other day and it’s as smooth a ride as any.”
Nate opened his mouth to say no, but he was just desperate enough to say yes.“Okay, thanks.”After barely a nod in his father’s direction, Nate ran out the back, jumped from the porch and ran over to the storage shed where he found his father’s bright green beach cruiser.The wheels were more brown than white and the vinyl of the seat was weathered and cracked, but he didn’t care.
Slinging one leg over the side, Nate started off down the dirt of the side yard and out onto the driveway.While it had been years since he’d ridden a bike, the old adage was true and soon enough he was speeding down the street towards Lottie’s house.Despite the cold of the air breezing past him, Nate worked up a bit of a sweat as he pushed the old bike to the limits, needing to get to Lottie and beg her for forgiveness.Again.Groaning at what an ass he’d been, Nate pedaled faster until he saw her house coming into view.
After ditching the bike on the grass lawn, Nate rushed up to the front door and started pounding away.“Charlotte?”He called out, still knocking anxiously.“Charlotte open up, please.”Nate kept up his knocking, trying to see any signs of life through the beveled glass of her front door.Finally when he felt just about ready to kick down the door, a throat clearing from behind him had him spinning around.“Oh.Hello, Mrs.Kierland.”
The older woman smiled up at him, her false teeth shining in the sun as she stroked the fur of the small Shar Pei in her arms.“She’s not here.Lottie came home for a little bit but then left again soon after.”Nate nodded his thanks and started to walk back toward the bike, but the older woman stopped him with a hand on his arm.“She wasn’t herself when I saw her, so I told her to go down to the bakery and get a treat to cheer herself up.That should set her to rights.”
Nate patted her hand lightly.“Thanks, Mrs.Kierland.”Racing over to the bike, Nate hopped on and pedaled as furiously as his tired legs would take him toward the downtown area.
Over three hours later, Nate had visited the bakery, the florist, the grocery store, and the bakery again until finally he was walking through the doors of the bar he’d visited the evening prior.Exhausted and dripping with sweat, Nate made his way over to the bar and slapped his hand down on the wooden top.
“Water,” he demanded.
