Nate shook his head, his skin draining of all its color.She’d known him his whole life and even the one time he’d had the flu and tried to come to school anyway, he didn’t look nearly as stricken as he did in that moment.“I need to stand.”When Lottie scooted toward the end of the bed to be closer to him, he shifted slightly, one of his feet literally moving out the door of her bedroom.“So Citizens for a Brighter Applewood?That was you?”
Knowing she had exactly one chance to get this right, Lottie took a deep breath before she started.“Yes, that was me.I wanted to donate to your campaign but you were financing that yourself with the help of your family and I didn’t think you would accept money from me anyway, so I set up an account under another name to be able to help you out.”
Nate leaned against the doorjamb, his head hitting the wood before turning to face her.“But you didn’t donate to my campaign, you donated to the town.Why?”
Lottie bit her lower lip and shrugged helplessly.“I had every reason to believe that you were going to win, and you were so passionate about the town square project that I couldn’t stand the thought of you running into financial roadblocks or having to run a whole other campaign to get the town’s voting approval for the funds, so I donated the money with the specific caveat that it be used for your project.”Lottie smiled weakly at him as she watched the gears turn in his mind.“I just wanted to help you, Nathan.”
Nate sighed and shook his head.“I feel like up is down right now.”He wiped a hand over his face before looking at her again, his expression no less hard than it had been.“How do you even have this much money, Lottie?”
Lottie panicked.Nate never used her nickname, even when he was so mad at her he could spit nails or was barely speaking to her, he only ever referred to her by her full name.Between that and the way his voice cracked, Lottie knew she must have really stepped in it.He was putting distance between them again, and she couldn’t let that happen.
“Does it matter how I got it?”She argued.When he didn’t answer, Lottie sighed and waved her hand around the room.“The same way I got everything else.Joanna.Her husband was some sort of stock market whizz and after she left it all to me, I put it in a money management account and have been living off the dividends.”
A slow whistle sounded from Nate’s pursed lips.His expression was getting harder and harder for her to read, and that frightened her more than anything else.Lottie had always been able to read Nate, but right then she couldn’t tell which way things were going to go, only that they needed to be resolved quickly or they would be back to where they’d been a month ago.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”The pain laced through his voice was so evident she could have tugged at it like a string, something she would have done if it meant he would just come to her.
Lottie gulped, trying to meet his eyes but finding it difficult when they felt heavy with guilt.“Yes,” she rasped.“I was just waiting for the right time.”
Nate scoffed.“There’s no better time to come clean about something than the minute you know you need to.”
Lottie’s eyes shot to his.The words, while true, stung worse than the tears that gathered in her eyes.“That’s a helluva thing to say to the one person you’ve spent the last decade lying to about how you feel about them.”
Nate jut his chin out defiantly.“That’s different,” he said, having the gall to look self-righteous.“You deserved better than me.I was trying to protect you.”
Lottie rose from the bed, unable to take the distance between them any longer.“What’s changed?I’m the same person I always have been, Nathan, only now you know exactly how far I’m willing to go to help you achieve your dreams and yet here you stand, still pushing me away.”What his mother had told Lottie came back to her and she grabbed at the sides of his open jacket, knowing she had to help him see that even though she hadn’t told him about it before, the money she’d donated didn’t have to upend his worldview.“I won’t let you this time.”
Nate shook her off and backed away from her, literally illustrating the accusation she’d just thrown at him while not allowing her to keep him there.“The dreams I had were mine to achieve alone if that’s what I wanted.This...this is too much.”His fingers raked through his hair, causing it to stick up at odd angles.“I thought I had the whole town behind me.I thought that everyone believed in what I wanted to accomplish, but it was only ever you.”
The paper Nate had been clutching fell from his hand and onto the floor as he stalked from the room, Lottie struggling to keep up with his long, quick strides.“It was never just me.It was your whole family and yes, a good chunk of the town too.So what if the money was only ever mine?”
Nate rounded on her, the look on his face so pained that it made Lottie’s chest ache.“Did the town ever even want me as their mayor?Or was it all because you wrote such nice things about me?”He looked down at the floor, his head shaking in disbelief.“Did you even mean everything you wrote in your newsletter or was it just another way to help me?”
Lottie reared back, feeling as if he’d slapped her.“How can you even ask me that?Of course I meant them.I’ve always meant every word I have ever said or written about you because I love you.”She gripped the front of his jacket again, wanting to shake some sense into him.“And the town voted for you, Nathan.It’s not like I stuffed the ballot box.”
Nate gripped her hands, but instead of holding them, he let them drop to her sides.“Maybe not, but the posters in the windows of every business, the people showing up to my events after telling me they couldn’t come.You helped convince them.Hell, I’m sure there are at least a few dozen people that you persuaded to vote for me when they wouldn’t have otherwise.”His head shook angrily as his eyes teared up.“It was supposed to be mine, Lottie.I’ve wanted this since I was a little boy and it was supposed to be mine.”
“It’s still yours.”Shaking off her words, he turned toward her front door, Lottie rushing after him.Tears streamed down her face earnestly as she searched for anything she could say that would make it better.“Please don’t do this.Please don’t push me away again.”Lottie grabbed at his shoulder only to be shrugged off.“I love you, Nathan.”
Nate’s shoulders rose and sank with a heavy sigh.“I love you too, but that’s the problem isn’t it?”He peered at her over his shoulder.“I love you too much to let you find the person you deserve, and you love me too much to let me do something on my own because you don’t want to watch me struggle.”
Lottie opened her mouth to dispute him, but nothing came out.She never wanted to see him fail, something he would rather do entirely on his own than win with any help from her.“I don’t want you to go.”
Nate looked like someone was thrusting a knife into his back as he gazed at her, brushing one of the tears from her cheek.“I can’t think straight.My head’s a mess.I just need a little space.”
Lottie nodded, sniffling as fresh tears fell down her face.“Forget your head and listen to your heart, Nathan.Please, stay.”
Nate’s body halted suddenly, but he didn’t answer her, merely avoiding her eyes as he exhaled slowly and proceeded to walk out on her.Again.You’d think she was used to it, but no matter how many times she’d seen the back of him, Lottie never could let herself believe it would be the last time she ever did.This felt far more final than any other of those occurrences though, and her heart sank at the thought that it would actually be the last she ever saw of him.
The heavy door closed with a soft click, sounding more like a cacophony in the stark space surrounding her.The entryway felt as empty as her heart, hollow and begging to be filled.Another wave of tears fell as Lottie dazedly walked over to her couch and sat, finally giving herself permission to fully feel all the terrible emotions that had barely been kept at bay the entire time he left.She was angry, at herself for keeping a secret for so long and at Nate for reacting the way he did.Logically, she knew he was probably using this as an excuse to push her away again like he probably always would have, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
If he’d just been waiting for a reason to leave, had he ever truly intended on staying with her forever to begin with?Saddened by the loss of his presence and the knowledge that it could be permanent, Lottie felt the guilt at having loved Nate too much, or at least in a way that hadn’t worked out for the two of them.Clutching one of her throw pillows, Lottie sobbed into it, looking around her deserted house, wondering if it would be that way forever.
Eventually her sobs died off and her body stopped trembling, but she couldn’t bring herself to move which is how Willa came to find her the next morning.The door swung open and her friend that was like a literal ray of sunshine stepped into the house, but Lottie still felt as if she was mired in the center of a thunderstorm, adrift at sea among tumultuous waves of sadness that threatened to drown her.
“Hey, you weren’t answering your phone and...Oh my God, what happened?”
Willa rushed over to Lottie who sat as still as she had since the evening prior, half-dressed and make-up streaking down her face.If she had fallen asleep during that time, she was either unaware of it or it had been as miserable an occurrence as the fight that preceded it.Lottie finally turned to her best friend who took one gaze at Lottie’s tear stained face and wrapped her up in a hug.Lottie felt more moisture descend from her eyes, dampening Willa’s gauzy maternity dress.
