Prologue
Nate
Ten years ago
Loud bass pumped through the air, pouring out of the speakers of the old portable radio someone had likely dug out of their parent’s garage and placed on a nearby fallen log.Nate had no idea what song was playing, only that he didn’t really care for it.Then again, he hadn’t cared for many of the same things his peers did.He was more like the responsible adult among the band of wily teens that had partying on the brain.Nate had always kept his eyes on the prize.For him, that meant doing everything he could for the town he grew up in, the town he loved and could see becoming even greater than it already was.Nate had spent the better part of the last four years working toward being a visionary and would spend the next four years in college doing the same.That wouldn’t happen if he let himself get distracted.Even knowing this, as he wound his way through the throng of revelers that had wandered into the woods for a graduation celebration, Nate looked around for the one person he knew he should stay away from.
Lottie Adams was always around, always there to needle him, one-upping Nate so effortlessly when he put in so much hard work to get where he was all while tempting him with her flirtations.It had been that way all throughout high school, the two of them rivals for just about every position in the spotlight.Lottie was the VP to Nate’s Student Council President, the co-editor of the school newspaper and yearbook with him, and even the captain of the spirit squad, there at every one of his baseball games to cheer on the team.No matter where he went, she was always there: smart, beautiful, and irritating as hell.
Despite Nate’s annoyance with her, Lottie also seemed to be the one person he could never fully get out of his head.When they weren’t bickering over which editorial was better suited for their fall issue, which decorations would work best at the Homecoming dance, or whether or not a spirit squad was entirely necessary at a baseball game that had less than one hundred people in attendance, they actually worked fairly well together.Something about Lottie’s endless optimism and ability to befriend anyone paired well with Nate’s blind idealism and ambition in a way that actually got things done.They may disagree on the way to get there, but the end result was always spectacular.
Sometime over the last four years, her irritating presence had actually become something Nate counted on, even looked forward to at times when he felt like no one understood him or what he wanted for the future.Lottie forced him to work harder, to see things from another point of view when he normally believed the best perspective was his own.Somewhere between their junior year when they’d fought over spirit day assignments and now, Nate’s annoyance with her had turned into something else entirely, and it scared the shit out of him.
Every night they’d spent putting the school paper to bed, Nate had thought of nothing else but pulling Lottie into the darkroom and kissing her soundly.When they had decorated the school gym, he’d wanted to ask her to go to the dance with him, only to chicken out at the last minute.And when she’d been at his baseball games, her bright smile more exciting to him than anything happening out on the field, he’d wanted to hit a home run every at bat just to impress her.It was strange and confusing, the feeling of being provoked by someone and enjoying it at the same time.It only ever happened with Lottie, and even though Nate knew he should leave well enough alone and stay as far away from her as possible, he found himself searching her out all the same.
As he passed the bonfire, red and orange flames licking at the night sky, Nate finally came upon her.Lottie was exactly where he should have known she would be, holding court with any number of people from all different groups.Whether they be a jock, a theater geek, or a band nerd, everyone flocked to the vivacious woman and spilled whatever secrets they had as readily as they drew breath.Lottie had this incredible way of getting people to open up to her, something else Nate had always been leery of lest she get the one secret out of him he couldn’t bear to part with.
When she noticed his presence, Lottie smiled up at him, the action lighting up her entire face more than the fire in front of them ever could.She was gorgeous.“I hate to say ‘I told you so,’ but even you have to admit that these woods were the best place to have our grad celebration.”
Nate tried to hide the smile that threatened to break out across his face.“You love to say ‘I told you so.’At least to me.”He nodded toward a group of their peers who were currently playing with fireworks.“And, I still maintain that this was a terrible idea.”
Lottie shrugged, the thin material of her sweater slipping down and exposing more of her shoulder.Nate was mesmerized by the sight of the orange hue of the fire reflecting off her creamy skin.His mouth watered and his mind went blank of any thought other than just how damn gorgeous she was.
“You always say my ideas are terrible and yet, somehow they always work out for the best.”She beamed at him, her bright smile piercing his heart like an arrow, though it wavered slightly the longer she stared at him and he said nothing.“What?No retort?I thought you enjoyed our witty repartee as much as I did.”
Nate continued to stare at her, drinking her in as he often did when she wasn’t paying attention, and even though a part of him knew he should turn and walk away, he couldn’t stop himself from holding his hand out for her.Nate stood silently, patiently for the first time in his life.He had always been full speed ahead with everything, but not with this.After nodding her goodbyes to the people surrounding her, Lottie put her hand in his without question.Nate had no idea when he’d made the decision to take her back to the farm he’d grown up on that was adjacent to the party, only that he needed to be with her in that moment more than he’d needed anything else in life.
As they walked back through the woods that gave way to the apple orchard, Lottie finally spoke up.“Where are we going, Nathan?”She chuckled, the sound filling his heart with joy as it often had lately.“I know my beating you for best hair in the yearbook was upsetting, but you’re not dragging me out here to bury me alive or something, are you?”
Nate smiled, loving the sass in her voice and the husky tone that came out when she teased him.He also loved that she called him by his full name when no one else did.Even his mother rarely used it, and Nate liked that it was something unique to Lottie.More than the name though was the way she spoke it, making it sound like an invocation passing over her lips, and he couldn’t wait to hear it again.
“You’d be right to think that since you’ve been driving me crazy every day for the last four years.”He shot a wry smile her way, enjoying the way her hair stirred slightly in the breeze.
Lottie chuckled again, unbothered by the effect she had on him.“It will be another four too since we’re both going to U-Dub.”
Nate groaned lightly, eliciting another light laugh from Lottie.“Don’t remind me.”In truth, he was excited to see her around campus, maybe even take some of the same classes together, but admitting that would put an end to the flirty banter between them, and he loved it too much.Pulling her into one of the outbuildings used for storage, Nate walked them up the steps to the loft where he sometimes came to think.“I’m not sure I can take another four years of you.”
When he turned to Lottie, her face was serene despite his words.There had been little heat in them, for as much as he’d come to dread her presence and the swirl of perplexing emotions it stirred within him, Nate had also found himself wanting to immerse himself in everything having to do with her as well.She was a siren, and he wanted to follow her song out to the deepest part of the ocean and drown as long as she was the one pulling him under the waves.
“I think you can take a lot more than that.”Her voice was breathy, her hand trembling slightly in his as he gripped it tightly.“I want you to take more than that.”
Nate gazed into her eyes that looked nearly obsidian in the dark of the loft before nodding, agreeing with her silent request and finally giving into the want that had been building between them over the years.Leading her over to a makeshift bed that was nothing more than a flannel blanket atop a pile of straw, Nate laid Lottie down on top of it, hovering above for a moment to take in the sight of her.She was gorgeous as always, but the way she looked at him with such adoration and devotion made his breath catch in his lungs.Allowing himself a moment to mentally photograph what he would remember for the rest of his life, Nate finally brushed his lips against hers.
The touch was so good, so much better than his unimaginative brain could have ever come up with.Her lips were soft and plush, warm and wet, and everything he wanted them to be.Licking his way into her mouth, Nate tasted her for the first time, the sweet flavor of her bursting onto his tongue and making a permanent home in his memory.They continued to explore one another, and eventually their clothes joined the empty apple crates on the ground.With nothing between them, they started to move together as one despite neither of them having done this before.Nate always wondered who he would lose his virginity to, and yet somehow he also always knew it would be Lottie.How could it not be when they were always thrown together so completely?It was poetic in a way, that the one person who occupied so much space in his brain should be the first one to experience his body as well.
Nate smiled at the fanciful thought, his teeth grazing the edge of her mouth as he moved inside her, and then everything else slipped away.Time no longer existed, the loft they were in was nothing more than a blurry rendering of a place he’d once known, and the world outside of it no longer mattered.Nothing mattered except for Lottie, and as Nate continued to lose himself in her, the bone-deep knowledge that nothing else would ever matter as long as he was with her settled inside him.The world could burn and he would let the flame and ash consume everything and everyone around him as long as he had her.
A single tear tracked down his face as Nate made love to her for what would be the first and only time in his life.Lottie was everything he could have ever wanted in another person, but he couldn’t keep her.The love he felt in that moment was too much, too all-consuming that he knew if he let himself, he would forget everything else that mattered to him in favor of pleasing her.Nate knew that one day his desire to be something great, his ambitions would cost him something, he just didn’t realize it would be her.
When Lottie cried out into the night, Nate pressed his lips to hers and swallowed it whole, needing to keep it for himself and no one else.If he could only be with her once, he wanted to take with him everything he could, shove it deep into his heart where no one, not even he could find it.Not wanting it to end but not able to hold back any longer, Nate finally gave into the pressure that had built inside him, his body shuddering as his heart cracked right down the center before splitting into two pieces.
“Charlotte,” he whispered.His forehead rested against hers as he stayed in the moment for as long as he dared allow himself.
Time began again and the world came back into focus, but when Nate finally opened his eyes to gaze down at Lottie, what he saw broke those two pieces into four, and then into exponentially smaller pieces after that.She looked up at him like he was the answer to every question she would ever have, and it killed him to not be able to be that for her.The emotion must have shown on his face because soon her own expression shuttered and fell.
Lottie reached up and cupped his cheek, her thumb gathering the tear that had deigned to fall down his face without his permission.“We’re not doing this again, are we?”Nate gulped, and shook his head.Sniffling, Lottie sat up and started to dress.Nate found himself reaching out for her while she was turned away, only to withdraw his hand once she was fully clothed and turning back to him one last time.“We could have been really good together, you know?You’re always in your head, Nathan.You should try staying in your heart for a little while.”
Nate had never been good at listening to his heart.His head always won out, and he needed it to be that way.That was the problem.Without another look, Lottie walked down the stairs but not out of his life.If Nate had known what was to come over the years that followed, maybe he would have tried for something more with her, but losing himself, making her his number one priority when everyone, including himself, expected much more from him, wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.Though as he watched her dark figure walk away from him that night, he couldn’t be sure that he hadn’t just lost the best part of himself already.
