I know Ichabod will be at work until the evening, and with no-one else I can talk to about the rumours, I’ll send myself mad ifI sit here and think about it all day. At least I have the original Katrina Van Tassel to keep me company, and I can lose myself in her story for a while — where her life seems to be going much better than mine.
October 25, 1819
Dear diary,
This morning, my soldier sent word that he wished to see me again, and my heart nearly burst from my chest. We rode together through the forest, just the two of us, and it was the most carefree I’ve felt in a long time. The air was cool, and the scent of pine and damp earth surrounded us as our horses carried us deeper into the woods.
We stopped at a quiet clearing, where the sunlight filtered through the trees in golden beams. There, he took my hands in his, his touch warm despite the chill of the afternoon. My breath caught as he leaned in, his eyes searching mine. He kissed me long and hard.
I have never known such tenderness. The world seemed to still around us, the only sound our quiet breaths and the distant whisper of the wind. When he pulled away, I found myself wishing he would kiss me again.
But instead, slowly, he lowered himself to his knees. I admit, I wondered if he had a question to ask me and found myself disappointed when he did not. Instead, he lifted my skirts to my waist, holding them there with one hand and kissing me again, somewhere quite different this time. My disappointment did not last long. Diary, can I even confess to partaking in such a scandalous act? This man surprises me every day.
I do not know what will come of this, only that I am in too deep now and I know my heart belongs to him. I ache for the time we can spend together, those stolen, happy moments.
October 26, 1819
My world has shattered.
Father summoned me to his study this morning, his expression one of pride. He spoke of duty, of family honour, and of securing the Van Tassel future. And then he told me — I am to be married. Betrothed to a man I scarcely know, the son of another landowner from the other side of town.
I could hardly breathe as he told me how it had all been arranged. My hands trembled in my lap, but I could not show him my distress. I nodded when expected, swallowed down my protests, and listened as he detailed when it was all to take place. My betrothed is from a wealthy family, well-respected in the community, and apparently eager to wed.
It has all been decided without me.
My future was sealed most likely in that very study by my father and his companions, surrounded by clouds of pipe smoke, and I was not consulted.
I sat before my father calm and compliant, but inside, my heart screamed in defiance. I do not want him. Him or any other man. I cannot love him. My heart belongs to another — a man my father would never approve of. If he knew of my soldier, of the moments we steal together in the forest, of the way my heart beats only for him, he would disown me. He would forbid me from ever leaving the house again.
I know I must be cautious now. I must hide my feelings, my love, my dreams of being with my soldier and of another life.
But I cannot think clearly. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I must find a way to see him, to tell him what has happened. But what can we do? If my father ever learns the truth, all will be lost.
October 28, 1819
Diary, my world has tipped upside down. I can hardly bring myself to write these words. My hands shake, for I dare not believe it, but perhaps putting it down on paper will help me make sense of it all.
I am with child.
The thought struck me this morning and once it did, I could not escape it. The stirrings I felt, physically and mentally, that I had experienced now for weeks. The bleeding that I have missed and fluttering like wings in my stomach. I cannot deny it. My soldier, his child grows within me.
Fear and joy battle inside me. My heart lifts at the thought of carrying a piece of him within me, binding us together, the two of us creating life that will be half of him and half of me. But now I live in terror of my father finding out. If he discovers what I have done, he will surely cast me out. And what now of my marriage arrangement? I cannot go through with it. By the time of the wedding, I will certainly be showing, unable to hide the truth and he will not want me. Just as I do not want him.
October 30, 1819
I could not keep this new truth to myself. I had to see my soldier. I sent word through Lucy, imploring him to leave his duties just a short while. We met at the bandstand in town, that had stood at the centre of that wonderful market all those weeks ago.
He was overjoyed when I told him what I knew, lifting me and twirling me right there on the spot. I felt hope that all would be well.
But his eyes darkened with worry when I asked how we could be together with our child. He took my hands in his, kissed my knuckles, and whispered words of comfort. "We must leave this town," he said. "We shall build a new life, far from here.”
I confess I had never considered this an option. I have spent my whole life in Sleepy Hollow, and my whole life is mapped out here before me. How could I consider leaving all that I know? But as soon as he said it, I knew it was the right thing to do.
We cannot be together in Sleepy Hollow.
I feel light, as if a whole new life has opened in front of me. It is madness, but what choice do we have? My soldier promised he will make the arrangements, find a way for us to flee together before my father realises the truth.
Tomorrow, we will meet again under the cover of night. If all goes to plan, we will never return. The thought of leaving my home, my family, everything I have ever known is terrifying. But for love, for the life within me, I must be brave.
