He sighed. “I am sorry for snapping at you.”
“Indeed, you should be,” Nicholas snorted. “I just saved you from being barred from your favorite club. It is notoriously fond of your family. Do not jeopardize that because some fool decided to let his tongue run loose.”
Gabriel tilted his head back to look up at the blue sky. “You are right. I was not thinking. I just—he mentioned her, and he was crude about it. He also mentioned her late husband and how she was ruined and useless to me.”
“And you do not feel the same?” Nicholas asked. Gabriel’s head snapped towards him, offended, but he just held up his hands. “I certainly do not agree, but I want you to say it.”
“Of course, she is not ruined,” Gabriel hissed. “But I do not expect her to bear me an heir either. I respect her and our agreement too much to even consider it. I respect the fact that she has already borne a child.”
“But youwillneed an heir one day, Gabriel.”
He pretended not to hear that. He pretended that he had not already thought of inviting his wife to his bed at night, not to produce an heir but for the simple pleasure of having her and giving himself to her.
“How do you feel about her?” Nicholas asked, breaking the ensuing silence.
Gabriel stiffened, trying to avert his gaze.
For a man who wore many masks, he was an open book to his closest friend. Perhaps that was why he tolerated Nicholas, even if the man often got on his nerves.
“I do not feel anything,” he lied.
Nicholas laughed, shaking his head. “I know that is not true, for you always feelsomething.Irritation, desire, anger, bitterness. Even when you have nothing positive to say, there is nevernothingto say. Now, will you actually tell me the truth? A half-truth, even.”
“I…” Gabriel hesitated, looking up right as a couple walked down the other side of the road, their arms linked and heads bent close together as they giggled over something the lady held. It caught the sun, and he thought of the necklace hanging on a lamp in the old family portrait he kept locked up.
His father had gifted it to his mother when they had been courting. Before his mother had passed away, she had instructed him to give the necklace to Letitia on her debut.
“I know your father is not the kindest man, Gabriel, but he was once a good man. He was once the love of my life and not just the husband I now stand beside, wondering where his love and warmth went. Give this necklace to Letitia when she comes of age. Tell her that she deserves a love like the one I once felt for your father, regardless of the man he has become. Tell her to believe in love and always, always follow it.”
Gabriel swallowed thickly at the memory. He had indeed told Letitia, and she had indeed followed what she thought had been love.
He hated that advice, hated carrying the burden of being the one to pass on the encouragement, even though he had tried to guide his sister.
For a moment, he imagined handing a wedding gift to his wife, but then he pushed the thought away. It was foolish, and Sibyl would likely not wear anything he bought her, too prideful and stubborn.
“Gabriel?” Nicholas prompted.
“I am frustrated by her,” Gabriel muttered, an edge to his voice. “I do not know how I feel. I… I look for her everywhere at home, and when she is not there, Ifeelher absence, and I cannot stop looking up at every footstep I hear.”
“And are you disappointed when it is not her?”
Gabriel nodded, the admission painful to make.
“Then why don’t you simply admit that you have developed feelings for your wife?”
“Because feelings are useless and will only complicate things further. I do not need feelings, Nicholas. I need duty and to be the man she needs.”
“What if that man can also be her lover? Her confidant? A man she can grow to adore?—”
“Stop,” he muttered. “That man is not me. I do not even think I am capable of such things. Heavens, Nicholas, I only met her because I wanted to punish her first husband for encouraging my sister’s opium addiction.”
Nicholas’s lips pressed together tightly as he nodded. “That is all true, but that does not mean you are incapable of happiness or feelings, nor that you do not deserve them.”
Gabriel snickered under his breath. “My heart is not one she would want to have.”
“Perhaps she should be the judge of that.”
Gabriel narrowed his eyes at Nicholas, but his friend only smiled smugly, knowing he was right.
