Nicholas raised an eyebrow at Gabriel before walking back to the carriage, leaving him standing before his sister’s grave.
Gabriel’s knees weakened. How long had it been since he had let himself visit her grave?
Too long. Entirely too long, the place shrouded in grief and melancholy.
Now, he let himself fall to his knees, words escaping him.
He felt foolish, unable to speak. Silence settled around him, growing louder and louder, and he felt watched in a way that felt both comforting and unnerving.
His shoulders tightened as he stared at the flame engraving. Then, he cleared his throat.
“Letitia,” he began, feeling a little silly speaking to thin air. Others found comfort in this sort of thing, but he did not. “Letitia, I…” He stopped again, glancing down at his hands.
The hands that had held his little sister when she took her last breath.
The hands that had begged doctors to save her.
The hands that he had wanted to wrap around Edmund’s throat.
The hands that he had let Sibyl let go of.
The hands that had held his baby sister when she had been born, lifting her high above his head, only to be scolded by their mother.
Something cracked inside him.
“Letitia, I am sorry.” His voice broke. “I am so, so sorry for what happened. For failing to save you. I am sorry for pushingyou away so hard that you had to run, for not realizing your addiction sooner.
“I should have been a better brother. A better role model. A better listener. I-I loved you so deeply, little sister. You and Mama were the only light in our otherwise dark home. You, Letitia,madethat house a home, and I adored you. I still do, ever since the day you came into the world screaming with all the wildness that stayed with you throughout your life. I am married now, Letitia, and you… I really think you would like my wife. She challenges me a great deal, and I am very grateful for it. But I do not feel worthy of her. What happened with you, with Edmund, is a wound I am still trying to close, but did not do so in time to keep my wife in my home, in my arms.
“She has a daughter called Rosie, Letitia, and you would have doted on her. You would have been the perfect auntie to her. Certainly, you would have adored the family we all would have made.”
Gabriel swallowed past the lump in his throat.
“Loving Sibyl means risking grief again, and itterrifiesme. It means knowing that I will lose another person, and I cannot—I cannot handle that. I do not know if she will ever forgive me for the foolish things I have done, but?—”
Before he could finish his sentence, a warm breeze brushed his cheeks. It was as though the air itself cupped his face. He closed his eyes with a smile, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Nicholas was right. The dead could be listened to, and Gabriel believed Letitia was telling him that he was worthy of forgiveness. He began to sing their mother’s lullabies without fear, without lowering his voice, but it remained gentle, as she had been.
When he finished, he opened his eyes and placed his hand on the flame engraving. “I love you, Letitia,” he murmured.
He stood up, wiping away his tears. He turned around, starting when he saw Nicholas standing close.
“I thought you went back to the carriage,” he muttered.
Nicholas smiled at him. “I rarely hear you sing.”
Gabriel opened his mouth, but Nicholas cut him off.
“You deserve love and happiness, Gabriel. You deserve to live without fear or anger or this endless need to fix things. Sometimes, you need to take a step back and look at what you have without worrying that it will be gone. Sometimes, you need to live in the moment. Letitia would want that for you, and so do I. Sibyl loves you, Gabriel, I am certain of it. But I’m also certain that you love her, so you cannot sit idle. You cannot wallow. You have tofight,but this fight will not take place in a boxing ring, and the blows will only come from kisses and embraces, not fists. You are not only the Helm. You are Sibyl’s husband, and she needs you.”
It all came crashing down on Gabriel. Nicholas’s words, the breeze, the singing, the time apart from Sibyl.
“Weigh your options,” Nicholas urged. “I shall be waiting in the carriage. Take however long you need.”
He clapped a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder before turning around and heading back to the carriage.
Gabriel turned back to the grave, indeed letting himself live in the moment.
