“Touche. But you’re right. And normality is safe. It’s good. It’s what we’ve been dreaming of.” I think back to the weeks of desperation, when normality seemed a world away.
“So, we’re in agreement, are we?” Josh asks. “The ideal outcome is that things return to how they were before Cannes? Great fun and great times, with as little risk as possible? Are we going to be on the same side?”
I nod again.
“We’ll always be on the same side, Josh. Even if it sucks.” I sigh as he takes my plate and tips the half-eaten slice of toast in the bin. “Well, this wasn’t exactly how I expected the conversation to pan out.”
He shoots me a glance, a smirk on his face.
“You expected joy and cheers, and we’ll grab him tight and never let go? Believe me, that’s what my heart has been screaming for. I’m glad we had two weeks to prepare for this, because for those first few days, I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. Not in a million years.”
Once again, I’m surprised by Josh’s rational strength, and his dedication to the security of those he loves. It goes so far. And that’s what saved me in the darkness.
It’s what will keep Heath safe, too.
“Heath is a sharp guy,” Josh says. “He’s also an introvert with a massive career. His head might need a bit of help to rule his heart, and we might need to help him with that.” He pauses. “Part of me hopes he does need help with that, because I know the feelings in Cannes were all real, for all of us, but the other part of me hopes he’s already reached the sensible zone.”
I raise my eyebrows.
“His proposal didn’t exactly sound like he has.”
“No, it didn’t. Which is why we might need to help him get there.”
I put my head in my hands. “I’ll try. Not sure how well I’ll do, but I’ll try.”
“You’ll succeed. To have Heath in our lives for the long haul, the safest route is the steady one. That’s what is most important.”
“Regular bookings. Safe and sound. I get it.”
“Regular contact, and the chance to enjoy time with him.”
I feel like a bit of an idiot, because underneath all the scaredwhat ifswere the happy ones. The excited ones. The crazy ones that dreamt on some stupid level that we’d jet off back to Cannes and jump right back into the insane world of bliss that enveloped us there. That we’d all be blubbing withI love yous,andcan’t live without yous, and insane ideas of how we could make the beautiful energy of Cannes work back here in London.
Josh is looking at me as I stare into the distance. I connect back to his stare with a stomach thump.
“I’ve been dreaming too, don’t worry,” he says. “A magical fairytale castle, where we could wave each other off to work and live out our lives every day, and be a trio of kinky, loved up romanticists around it. But that isn’t our life. Our life is here. The two of us. With Heath as a client, now it’s hopefully safe enough to get the proposals booked back in.”
I slide off my stool and go to him, wrapping my arms around his neck to hold him tight.
“Our life here, the two of us, is fucking amazing. It always has been, even in the dark bits. I’ll never lose sight of that, no matter what.”
“Same goes.”
I try to steady the flutters in my belly, still fighting the craving for the magical dream. But it doesn’t exist in the real world. It couldn’t. Heath is a megastar and we’re a pair of hookers. Hookers who love our job and our life together.
Having Heath as a regular client again would be phenomenal.Betterthan phenomenal. It would be more than enough excitement to see us through.
Or it should be.
One thing for certain is that under Josh’s calm exterior, no matter how hard he’s trying to maintain it, he’s a hurting soul missing a man he adores. Badly.
It’s not Josh’s feelings that should be at the back of the queue, it’s mine.
His decision is his decision, and his actions are the ones at the forefront, and I’ll be there to support them.
No matter what happens, and no matter how much it hurts, I need to be his strength in the darkness now. His support in the storm.
Just like he was for me.
