“So normality means being regular again? Regular proposals, regular time together?”
Josh gives up on the fruit bowl and turns back around.
“Normality means being safe again. Secure.” He looks me in the eye. “All of us.”
I push my plate to the side.
“You really think that’s possible? That Heath can just be a client, and we can just go back to being entertainers with ahey thereevery few weeks? Like the whole thing never happened?”
My tone is angrier than I meant it. The frustration and fear eating me up.
“Sorry,” I say. “I’m just scared. Now it’s here, I’m really scared.”
My gorgeous boyfriend crosses the kitchen and takes my hands in his.
“I’m scared too. I’m scared things with Heath are fucked up from here on in. I’m scared this whole scenario is going to chew him up and fry his senses, like it’s frying ours.” He takes a deep breath, squeezing my hands. “And there’s more I’m scared of. Things that cut deep.”
I stay quiet, my heart thumping.
“I’m scared of getting rejected by him, after all this time. Career over feelings. Because that’s the sensible choice for him. And the sensible choice for us.”
My lip trembles.
“I know. And it’s all my fault. It’s my stupid bullshit history that got us here.”
Josh’s eyes widen.
“No. It isn’t. Don’t think that for one second, because it’s not true.” His eyes dig into my soul. “Sometimes when you play with fire, you’re going to get burnt. We played with fire, the three of us, and it was fucking awesome, but it was dangerous for all of us. Connor or not. The chaos that came after only reinforced the reality that Heath is a major public figure, adored by millions, with a platform worth millions. It highlighted just how serious playing with fire can be.” He tries a smile. “So it could be a good thing that life panned out this way. To keep things in check. To keep us all sane. Because you know what the rules are when it comes to clients, Ella. We all do. The Agency lays out the stance very clearly.”
“Heath isn’t just a client, Josh, and you know it.”
“No, he isn’t. But he should be. And he’s a fantastic client, the best there could be. But he’s a client for a reason. The rules are there for a reason. We have to keep that in mind, whatever it takes. That’s how we safeguard our relationship with Heath. Normality.”
I know Josh’s view of things is spot on, but it hurts. It feels unjust, and fake, and like losing a chunk of our soul.
We are seeing the love of Cannes in human form again this evening. That should be enough on its own.
“This is what you’ve been churning over, isn’t it?” I ask Josh. “You’ve been trying to belogicaland stable, and…” I take my hands from his and wave them around, struggling for words.
“Andme, Ells. I’ve been trying to be me,” he says. “That’s who I am.”
I have to smile at that. I see the genuine love in his eyes.
“Protective. Brave. Steady.” I pause. “Brilliant.”
“Protective, brave and steady. Sure, I’ll take that.” He sighs. “Not so sure about brilliant. Mulling this over hasn’t been easy. I’ve had my wobbles, but we all need protection here. All of us.”
I shake my head. Run my hand down his cheek.
“You’re taking this angle for me and Heath. Don’t lie. You’re at the back of the queue in your world.”
“And that’s where I want to stay, even if it chews my guts up.” He takes my hands again. “It’ll hurt like a motherfucker if Heath wants to pull away and build the walls ofnormalityback around us at a decent height, but that’s the most sane course of action. I’ll push it, if he doesn’t. He’s the one in the spotlight, we’re trying to stay out of it. He’s the one with cameras flashing in his face every day. We’re trying to stay away from them. That’s how it needs to be. Even if it hurts.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, but I nod.
“Ok. Fine. That sounds cool.”
“It’s not ok. You’re lying. In your world, it sounds like hell.”
