Oh, Lord. She’d failed herself, she’d failed Leo, and she had inexorably failed her test. She knew nothing more about her cousins than when she’d entered, and likely never would…but she certainly knew more about herself.
The heat of shame and recrimination began in her calves and worked its way up her legs, spreading and causing a tingling numbness to follow swiftly in its wake.I’ve failed.
With her interpretation of the world around her so compromised, would it be wise for her to continue in her pursuit of employment on Bow Street? Her heart squeezed even at the notion. Not becoming a runner was not to be borne. She needed that sense of purpose. But would she be fair and just?Yes, her heart whispered. But somehow, she felt that she needed to prove that, even to herself.
The heat and numbness found their way to her chest and prickled down her arms and into her fingertips.
“I…I am profoundly sorry, brother. Please excuse me.”
Juliana retrieved the portable writing table and strode woodenly toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Jasper asked, coming to her side.
Wherewasshe going? She didn’t know. She just needed to get out, to clear her mind and think this through without Jasper’s scrutiny.
“To the gardens,” she lied. She needed to go further than that.
He nodded, his mien still stormy. “Bring a guard with you. Miles and Francis will stop at nothing.” He placed a gentle palm to his left arm with a grimace. “I cannot countenance their succeeding in their task. But I have not yet concluded with you; I expect to see you in my study directly upon your return.”
“Of course.” Without another word, Juliana fled, numbly donning her cloak and bonnet as she dashed out the door and into the drizzling rain, offering a small smile to the footman who had darted out beside her. She’d done well enough on her journey not only to London, but also from Bow Street to Grosvenor Square, and she was never without her pistol. But she couldn’t trust her own reactions at the moment.
Her feet guided her away from Grosvenor Square, while her thoughts continued turning in a jumbled mess. Her trembling hands fisted at her sides. She wanted to shout, to scream out in frustration, but gnashed her teeth together, instead. Of all of the possible outcomes of her journey, she’d not imagined that she would have made it to the end only to fail in her very first task.
The past, however, could not be changed. She had made many mistakes, but she must now look forward. What could she do? What was her next course of action?
A solid tug of longing filled her chest, and she abruptly wished that she were back at Leo’s estate in Nottingham, playing by the warmth of a blazing hearth with Elizabeth. She’d known then what was required of her, and she’d received affection and appreciation in return.
HowdidLizzy fare? Was she frightened by her flight from her home? Did Percy read to her in the evening as she enjoyed?
Her footfalls—and those of the footman—clicked on the cobblestones, the sound scarcely audible over theclip-clopof horses’ hooves, the rumble of carriage wheels through puddles, and the steady hum of voices and activity in the rain around her. But she couldn’t focus on any of it.
She huffed a sigh, her breath clouding the air and dispersing quickly as she walked through it.
Mayhap she could write a letter for Lizzy. Bringing it to Leo would give Juliana the opportunity to speak privately with him. What she would say to him, she didn’t know, but she hadn’t a choice; her heart needed to be near him again.
Her next step did not reach the ground. With nary a sound but for a swift intake of breath, she was gripped around the waist and pulled bodily into the nearby close.
CHAPTER25
Maria tugged her cloak nervously closed as they approached Grosvenor Square. Her stomach fluttered, and her knees tingled in an irksome manner.
Heather scoffed. “For pity’s sake. Tell the duke you love him and be done with it.”
“Heather!” Maria hissed. “I don’t—”
“If you’ll not be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. You are undeniably infatuated.”
“I’ll not have this discussion now. Our friend is missing!”
“Quite right,” Heather capitulated.
They continued in silence, rounding the corner onto the desired street.
“And,” Maria continued quietly, breaking their silence, “you know why I cannot pursue him.”
“Pish. If he loves you in return, he will acceptallof you.”
Maria rolled her eyes despite the curst flutter in her chest. “He doesn’t love me, Heather; we infuriate each other. And if he did, there is undoubtedly too much for him to accept.”
