My dad is dead.
I killed him.
Before I can even begin to process this tremendous loss, I hear leaves crunching and panicked breathing in tune with the sound of a running stream. We must have landed right on the large rocks bordering the creek.
It sounds like my family caught up with us before my bitter end.
My mother collapses next to our bodies in hysterics, softly caressing my arm.
“My baby girl. My baby. My love,” she whimpers.
I’ll miss my mom and her soothing persona more than words can describe. She has stood by me through every up and down of my life. If I could speak, I’d thank her one last time.
My baby sister rests her head next to mine on my dad’s unmoving chest and bellows. She screams at the heavens, pleading for a reason why, breaking my heart even more. I taught her how to swim, you know? My parents were busy watching my brother, so I took the liberty of showing Sadie the ropes of the waves. I can’t believe we won’t ever swim together again.
All the while, my brother is quietly stroking my forehead with his thumb, maintaining a stable and strong presence for my family. He’s already taking on the responsibility of what it means to be the oldest and only man in the house at only age twenty. I wish I could see his face just one last time. I wish I could tell him it’s okay to take his time processing this, that he needs to lean on others for comfort, too. He deserves support.
I wish I could stay for my little brother—for all of them.
I know they’ll manage without me. But what are they going to do without my dad?
None of this is fair. I’m responsible for his death, yet I get to escape life and meet death. I should stay here with them. It’s my duty to take care of them after the devastation I’ve caused.
I don’t deserve peace. I don’t deserve joy. I don’t deserve love.
For this transgression, I deserve torot.
“We love you, honey. You can rest now.” My mom gently runs her hand through my hair, no doubt getting caught on clumps ofbloody matted hair. My sister kisses my head as my brother holds my hand.
“No, I don’t deserve your love,”I want to shout, but I can’t.
I don’t deserve rest.
Look at what I’ve done, the destruction I’ve caused. I broke our family. This ismydoing.
I deserve to rot.
Rot.
Rot.
Rot.
That’s what I’ll do. No matter where I end up after this, I vow to sit with this every single day for the rest of my existence. Not a day will pass that I won’t punish myself for my actions. I ruined their lives.
With that promise to myself, a tear slips out of my eye. A coarse finger wipes it away. Jonathan has always been good at wiping my tears away. I’d smile at him if I could.
I may not deserve their love, but I’ll love them with every fiber of my being forever.
It’s growing more and more painful to breathe. Slowly, I accept death’s embrace and take my last shallow breath, bidding my whole world goodbye forever.
It’s happening again. One minute, I’m dancing with my best friends. The next, I’m falling to my death. I can’t remotely comprehend why I keep living this nightmare.
Is it real? Is any of this real? Am I dead or alive?
I’ve relived this experience so many times I’ve lost count. What the hell is happening? Am I actually in Hell? Or somewhere worse?
Again, I plummet off the ledge to my death, wrapped in my father’s arms.
