I could respond, but I don’t have it in me right now. I haven’t even started processing how I’m feeling about Jasper at the moment. I decide to wait to respond until I’ve had more time to process this, so I shower. As I rinse my hair, my thoughts immediately drift to Jasper and I feel a roller coaster of emotions all over again, starting with disappointment. I thought we’d be showering together tonight if I’m being honest. Then, I feel hurt because of this monumental secret he held onto throughout our entire relationship. Following that, anger finds me; the last thing I want to be is a project for someone to fix. Lastly, I feel… empty. I feel empty without him by my side. This emotional roller coaster cycles through itself about five more times before I finish my shower. I hop out and slip on a robe to a missed call fromCallie?I call her back instantly.
“Callie, what’s up?”
“Girl, are you okay? Jasper just called me asking if I’d heard from you."
“Oh, um..” I pause, “You can tell him I’m safe and just need space.”
“Got it,” she says. “But are you really okay?”
“I’ve had a long night, and I’d really rather not talk about it right now, but thank you so much for checking in on me, Callie. It means a lot.”
“Of course, bestie. I’m always here if you need to talk. I’ll let you go. Sweet dreams.” We hang up. I plop down in bed to stare up at the ceiling, letting out an obnoxious groan. What on earth am I going to do? Instinctively, I reach across the bed, expecting Truman to join and comfort me at any minute.
Shit!I forgot about Truman! Without thinking, I call him. He answers immediately.
“I’m so sorry to reach out like this—I’ll tell you right now, what I’m about to ask has nothing to do with anything that happened tonight.”
“Understood, Greene.”
“And I still need space and time to determine how orifwe can move forward from here.” A moment of silence goes by, making my skin itch. I may handle the quiet slightly better these days, but silence during this phone call? Painfully unsettling.
“Hit me with whatever you’ve got.”
“So, I’m not going home tonight, and I totally forgot—”
“What? You didn’t go back to the Cove tonight?”
“Um, yes. Anyway, as I was saying—”
“Where are you?”
“You’d never guess.” I pause, getting irritated with his probing questions after our night. “Okay, to continue—”
“Your parents’ place?”
I grit my teeth. “How could you possibly know that?”
“Uh, a little birdie told me.” I scowl.Kai.Who knows what else he has been whispering in Jasper’s ear throughout our entire relationship?
“Of course he did. Anyway, as I was saying, I forgot about Truman. Do you mind going to my apartment to make sure he has enough food and water to last him through tomorrow afternoon? I only expected to be gone for a few hours, not overnight, so I’m just a little worried,” I admit.
“Say no more. I’ll take care of Truman,” he promises. “You just focus on getting a good night’s rest, love. Take all the time you need… I’ll be waiting.”
We hang up and my chest feels lighter. Even when I’m frustrated with Jasper, he has the power to bring me back to Earth after my troubled mind whisks me away. Despite this, I can’t move on from what happened tonight.
How am I supposed to know whether or not Jasper’s feelings for me are real? He’s known since the beginning how fragile I am. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he’s been trying to “fix” me from day one. He has always been able to read my emotions, even when no one else can. Maybe the only reason he could see past my mask is because Kai has been whispering in his ear all along. My mind spins with all these possibilities, not knowing which possibility is the reality.
Ultimately, I am not certain about why I walked away from him tonight. Maybe I left because I felt hurt. Or perhaps being the first to leave hurts less than being left. At the time, I felt as though I had to walk away to protect myself from even more pain. I didn’t want to hurt Jasper, but I couldn’t stay—not while my thoughts were so scattered. Everything still feels unclear and murky. What I need now, more than ever, is true clarity. Something I struggle to receive in ordinary circumstances as is.
I turn off the lights and tuck myself into my teenage bed, contemplating everything. If Kai has been here this entire time, when has he helped me exactly? I wish I could pinpoint different moments he impacted. I wish I knew more about what Ascension really means. I wish I could interact with him the way he can interact with me. As I think about all of this, the quiet sets in. Instead of turning on my music immediately, I sit in silence. The quiet has not felt safe for a long time, but at this moment, it feels less like a stranger and more like a familiar friend.
Perhaps, rather than the noise I bask in to draw away my innermost thoughts, my soul craves the pure, relentless quiet I dread. After a few moments of drifting off into the quiet, my mind goes back to Kai and that dreadful icy day. Consequently, I revert back to my old ways, turning on music to drown out uninvited thoughts consuming my mind.
Thirty-Seven
Jasper
The moment I found out I failed a course in graduate school, my heart sank. I felt like a screw-up. A letdown. A failure. The biggest joke in the world. In an instant, I re-evaluated my whole life plan. School was my thing—I liked college. Hell, I even liked studying. While working in the industry for a few years, I actually missed school. Shocking, I know. I’ve always valued knowledge above all else. Under the impression that wisdom is the only thing you take with you beyond life, I absorbed as much information as I could.
