20
Mila
SOLITUDE WAS A beautiful thing. At first, I reveled in it, enjoying the fact I couldn’t hear my neighbor banging one of the club whores in the next room. There was no thump of bass coming from the biker party raging downstairs. Nobody cracking jokes in the hall. With nothing to do but enjoy my respite, I sat on the sofa with Daisy on my lap, flicking through channels until I found a comedy that caught my interest.
I needed some humor in my life, and the movie provided it.
After it was over, Daisy started getting restless. We hunted down one of her toys—a ball with catnip in the center—and rolled it around the floor for a while. She was such an adorable little ball of fur, chasing and batting the ball all over the place. I wished my life could be so simple. I’d give anything to be as happy and content as this kitten was with her catnip ball.
Instead, I was a mess of emotions. I’d wanted to be alone, but as the day wore on, alone just felt lonely.
“But who the fuck are you?”
Hound’s question wouldn’t stop harassing me. It nagged me as I watched Daisy chase a dust mite down the hall. It pestered me as I made a snack in the kitchen. It even followed me into the master bathroom to draw myself a bath.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t know who I was. Maybe I was no one, or everyone. I’d been a cult child, a victim, a runaway, an ex, desperate and broke, a demimonde, a college graduate, a teacher, a manipulator, and so much more. Yet none of that really describedme.
“But who the fuck are you?”
I really had no clue.
Settling into the tub, I used my phone and the wonders of the internet to try to distract myself from the question. Memes and videos only held my attention for so long before I gave into temptation and found Hound’s social media profile. He had a few pictures with an older woman who shared his nose and eyes. This must be the mom he held such animosity toward. I could see why. Her smile was unnatural, her boobs looked fake, and she held herself away from him like he had some contagious disease she was afraid of catching. I loathed her for making his life so difficult.
The pictures with his little sister were better. Annie shared none of her brother’s features, but I could tell who she was by the way he looked at her. I’d seen his face light up like that whenever he talked about her. Seeing them happy and together squeezed the breath from my chest and made my eyes well with tears.
He was such a good guy, and I missed him. Dreadfully. I should have at least said goodbye, but knew a clean break was for the better. Levi was right, Hound was better off without me.
Moving on, I found a few pictures of him from his days in the Navy. I’d always had a thing for men in uniform, but Hound in his dress whites could make a nun sin, and I was no nun. His big brown eyes were intense and focused, staring straight ahead. There were no traces of the pain I always saw in his eyes, just pride and purpose. Seeing him like that made me want to drop to my knees and give those talented lips of his something to smile about.
God, he was amazing.
Just the sight of him had my hand dipping down between my legs. I remembered exactly how his tongue felt on my clit. How his cock felt sliding into me over and over. He was no inexperienced John, looking to be coddled and praised for a half-ass fuck that was always more about his pleasure than mine. No, Hound was all about pleasing me. It was nice. Welcome. I swirled my fingers around my clit and let out a moan. Sex with him had felt… right. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced.
I wondered if he still had that uniform in his closet, because he should definitely wear it for me.
He can’t. I’m not going back.
The realization hit me like a freight train full of emotion. No longer the least bit turned on, I slid my hand up my stomach and out of the water with a disappointed huff. It had only been three days since our fight, but I missed him so much I could hardly breathe.
I should call him.
“He doesn’t need this shit, and I don’t want you to be the reason he falls off the wagon and loses everything all over again.”
Levi’s words resonated in my heart and my head. I’ve heard it said that if you love something, you’re supposed to let it go. I didn’t know about love, but I must have felt something powerful for Hound, because the thought of him using again had me tossing my phone aside so I wouldn’t even be tempted to interfere with his sobriety.
I only brought him pain and suffering. He deserved more than that.
Lowering myself under the bubbles, I imagined myself washing away the past few weeks. I may not know who I was, but I knew who I wasn’t. I refused to be the woman who made Hound use again.
Thursday morning, something startled me awake. I bolted upright and listened, but nothing sounded amiss. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Climbing out of bed, I dressed quickly in my workout clothes and reached for my cell phone to check the time.
The screen was dark.
I remembered plugging the phone in last night, but must not have gotten it completely connected, because the cord was loose. Sometimes my phone could be tricky, and this wasn’t the first time I’d neglected to connect it correctly, so I tried again. This time, I waited for the battery charging icon before setting it back down on the nightstand.
After feeding Daisy, I stretched, did a twenty-minute bodyweight workout, and laced up my runners. It felt like ages since I’d gone for a jog, and since I’d be heading home soon, I was ready to get back into my old groove. Yes, there was still a killer out there somewhere, but I doubted he was lurking in the bushes of this residential Seattle district, waiting to snatch me up as I ran by.
It was a nice, sunny morning, with enough of a breeze to chase away the heat. Toby’s neighborhood was beautiful, full of greenery and nice homes. Dogs and kids were playing in the park I passed. My jog was both uneventful and invigorating. By the time I returned to the house, I was feeling better than I had in a while. I stretched again and took another luxurious bubble bath, enjoying the hell out of my selfcare time.
