“Like when? When you started showing? When you were giving birth? How can you be so courageous in the field, and such a chicken-shit when it comes to dealing with this?”
I wanted to defend myself, but she was right on the money. I’d been hoping that if I just held off long enough, Aunt Flo would come to visit. But now I knew that wasn’t a possibility. I was pregnant. With Eagle’s baby.
“Are you okay?” Monica asked. “You’re turning kind of green.”
“I think I’m gonna be sick again.”
She made a sweeping gesture at the toilet. I bolted straight for it and emptied my stomach. When I finished, I brushed my teeth and leaned against the open bathroom door.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I figured I could push it off a little longer. Get my shit in order before I broke the news and disappointed everyone.”
“I’m not disappointed,” she replied, frowning. “Irritated that you didn’t come to me the moment you suspected this insanity, but not disappointed. We both know it could just as easily be me taking those tests. My cousin, Channel, got pregnant while on birth control and using a condom. At least that’s what she told everyone. She’s kind of a ho, so I don’t know that I believe her. But back to you. What are you going to do?”
That was the million-dollar question. “I don’t know.” Turning my back on the life-altering pee-sticks, I headed into the living room, where I paced in front of the coffee table, thinking. WhatwasI going to do? There were options like abortion and adoption, but I couldn’t in good conscience take advantage of them. That’s not how I rolled. I’d always felt like fate or God or some other higher power had a hand in the way shit went down, and that nothing happened without reason. Life had dealt me this card for a reason, and I wasn’t about to fold or exchange it. I’d play the hand until I ran out of chips.
Besides, I’d suspected it for so long I’d had time to bond with the life growing in my womb. I’d never thought about having a kid, but over the past month, while I was too freaked out to take a test and find out for sure, I’d grown accustomed to the idea. Hell, I’d even downloaded pregnancy books onto my Kindle. I almost felt relieved to find out I was pregnant, because if not, I’d been bonding with myself all this time, and that was like one step beyond cat-lady crazy.
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I settled my hand protectively over my abdomen and voiced the one thing I was sure of. “I’m not getting rid of it.”
Monica nodded, her expression unsurprised.
My commission paperwork was still on my coffee table. I glanced down at it, and Monica followed my gaze.
“You’re halfway to retirement,” she reminded me. I’d served for ten years. Sometimes it felt like weeks. Some days it felt like centuries. “There’s a lot of support available for pregnant women nowadays. We’ll look it all up. Research. Figure out which programs you need to take advantage of. And you know I’ll help you any way I can. I mean, Auntie Monica is clearly going to have to spoil the shit out of this kid.”
Monica would be great. My team might be a little judgmental at first, but they’d get over it. Therewasa lot of support and several programs I could take advantage of. I picked up the commission paperwork and glanced over it, my stomach twisting in knots. I’d wanted to be a pilot for as long as I could remember, and I’d worked my ass off to get this job. Ten years was a long time.
Ten more seemed like forever.
“My mom left when I was five,” I said.
Monica watched me, her expression concerned and interested. She knew I’d grown up without my mom, but I’d never shared the details. Nobody needed to hear my sob story, and it wasn’t like I’d had a bad childhood or anything. But now, I needed her support and understanding, so I had to tell her.
“My uncle was in the Army and his unit got hit. They never found his body, and my dad thinks he was taken prisoner. It really messed with Dad’s head. He felt guilty and he used to have these nightmares…” I shook my head, not wanting to get into all that. “He had issues when he got out of the service. Mom couldn’t hang, so she left. I remember being confused about it. Dad told me that neither Uncle Wade nor Mom was ever coming home again, but they weren’t together. Link and I were kind of a handful when we were kids, so we thought we did something to drive them off. A part of me always believed they’d come back if I was good enough or if I accomplished enough. Like if I made them proud, they couldn’t possibly stay away.”
Tears stung the back of my eyes. I hadn’t cried about my mom or uncle in as long as I could remember, but pregnancy hormones were a bitch. Blinking rapidly, I kept my attention on the commission paperwork and tried not to see Monica’s softened expression in my peripheral.
“Oh honey—”
“Stop.” I cut her off. “You know I don’t want that pity bullshit. I only told you what happened because I need you to understand why I can’t stay.” Looking up from the paperwork, I finally met her gaze. “I thought I was going to die in that last op, Mon. I legitimately believed it was over. We were overrun, and if that helo hadn’t arrived when it did…” I looked away and took a moment to compose myself. “I won’t do that to a kid. I won’t put her or him through what I went through when my mom walked out. I’m playing the hand that life dealt me, but I’m changing the rules.”
I shredded the commission paperwork.
Monica stared as it fluttered to the coffee table. When the last piece landed, she cocked her head to the side and smirked up at me. “Dramatic much?”
Feeling strangely light despite the very heavy complication developing in my womb, I laughed. “Pregnancy hormones.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re gonna be using that excuse on the regular?”
“I’m puking every morning and all my joints hurt. Soon, I need to tell my dad and brother that I got knocked up. Not to mention the baby’s dad. Then, I’ll spend the next several months getting so fat I can’t even tie my own shoes while spending a small fortune on diapers and a crib and a car seat and shit. Then, of course, there’s labor and all the fun that comes with it. Excusing my crazy because of pregnancy hormones is the one perk I get. Let me have it.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “Granted. You know, you could ask for a different job. With your qualifications and knowledge, they’ll do what they can to get you to stay on.”
I’d been thinking about what I would do since I missed my first period. Growing up at the fire station was unusual, but I’d always been surrounded by people who loved and took care of me. Here on base, the community was different. Not as tight. Revolving. Changing based on deployment schedules and leave. If I stayed, my friends would help when they could, but I’d essentially be raising this child on my own. If I went home, I’d have help all the time.
And, I’d be around family.
