I wanted to text Havoc and ask him point blank if he’d told Wesley about us. No, I wanted to call him, so I could spit out any lies he tried to feed me. But the two of them would just love that, wouldn’t they? I bet they couldn’t wait for me to call Havoc, crying, admitting what a fool I’d been. Not this bitch.
Pieces were fitting into place, creating a picture I couldn’t deny. Havoc had conveniently shown up right when I needed him. After I’d told my sister I’d take him to her wedding. Could Laura be in on this? The thought sliced open my heart and a sob bubbled out of my chest. No. And yet… I couldn’t rule anything out. Wesley trying to provoke Havoc at the wedding… all for show. No wonder Havoc walked away so easily. Some “helper of the city” he turned out to be. I bet he was laughing his ass off when I asked to be friends with benefits. All his talk about being exclusive…
Shit.
Was Havoc somewhere laughing himself silly over my stupid, gullible ass? Maybe sharing a beer with Wesley at some skeezy watering hole?
Wesley. I should have seen this coming. That bastard and I had been separated for more than a year and divorced for ten months and thirteen days. He’d let me walk out of his life with nothing more than a wave goodbye. It had been too easy. Wesley was far too possessive and vindictive to let anyone, or anything, go. Still, he hadn’t fought for me. He hadn’t even bullied me into coming back, and he could have.
‘Why are you doing this?’ I typed to Wesley. I had to know, hoping that the knowledge would help ease the pain of Havoc’s betrayal.
Seconds later, my phone pinged with his response. ‘Why do you think? You’re mine, Julia. You’ve always been mine.’
I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but that wasn’t it. ‘You let me go. No, you pushed me away.’ I replied.
‘I changed my mind.’
While I stared at the words, trying to deny the way they twisted my insides and tied my shoulders in knots, Justine came in and plopped her backpack on the counter. I felt her gaze on me as she asked, “You okay?”
No. Definitely not. I thought I’d escaped, but now I was back on Wesley’s radar. No, I was the center of his bullseye. And he wasn’t the stupid weakling I’d taken him for. I couldn’t take him down. Hell, I couldn’t even counter his attacks. I’d been foolish and conceited to believe I was so much smarter and better at the game than he was.
Wesley was actually a threat.
But truth be told, he wasn’t the one tearing me up inside.
Havoc had kissed me goodbye.
Had he immediately betrayed me to Wesley, or had he kicked the idea around for a while first?
“Julia?” Justine sounded worried.
The gallon or so of coffee I’d consumed throughout the day was threatening to come back up. “I need a minute. Man the store?”
Before Justine could answer, I grabbed my phone and hurried toward the stairs in the back and up to my apartment.
Tucked behind the ibuprofen in my bathroom cabinet was a prescription for some sort of anti-psychotic Mom had started me on in middle school. It was for anxiety or paranoia or some other ailment I didn’t have but had been coached into answering the questions for.
“It will make you feel better,” Mom had promised.
What she meant, was that it would make me feel nothing. And nothing was currently what I needed. The number of emotions spiraling out of control in my head was crippling. I needed to mute them, so I could get through this day without throwing my idiotic, gullible self off a roof. I needed to think, not feel. Careful not to look into my bedroom and drudge up memories of Havoc on my bed, I went straight to the bathroom and tossed two pills back. Then I headed to the kitchen for a drink of water, which I immediately upgraded to rum. I needed the numbness to kick in faster, and alcohol seemed like the best catalyst. Screw warning labels; they didn’t understand the emotional barrage I was dealing with here. Once I was sufficiently self-medicated, I dragged myself into the living room and collapsed on the recliner and pulled a faded five-by-seven photograph of paradise from the hollow book on top of the coffee table.
Focusing on the image until it was set in my mind, I closed my eyes and attempted to go there in my mind.
Havoc’s sexy smirk was all I saw.
Swearing, I shook my head and focused on the picture before trying again. Still no luck. I pulled the saltwater breeze candle from my coffee table drawer and lit it. By the time the fragrance filled the room, the pills and rum were kicking in. I inhaled deeply through my nose and closed my eyes again.
Finally, I found myself standing on the Na Pali Coastline of Kauai. The lush, rocky hiking trail clung to the side of the mountain, giving a breath-taking view of both the vast, blue ocean, and the rugged terrain. This was always the one place in my mind where I could find peace and quiet. The one happy memory I could count on. I was just a child with my Hawaiian nanny, visiting her family for a wedding. The festivities had been fun, but this trail was what I remembered the most. As I stood on the cliffs watching the dark forms of sea life swam beneath my feet, I felt so small. So insignificant. Free. I had no control of anything.
In this spot, I could be anything I wanted.
The memory of Havoc’s sexy smirk tugged at my subconscious again, stinging my eyes and creating a lump in my throat. I’d trusted him. We’d connected.
It was all a lie.
On this cliff, I was also alone. Nobody could hurt me while I was alone.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed thoughts of Havoc and what could have been away and refocused, finding peace and safety once again. This temporary freedom was what my psychology degree had earned me. Following the techniques I’d learned, I imagined ripping each pesky emotion from my body and casting them into the dark forms below. The fish swam out to sea, taking my pain, anger, and hurt beyond the horizon. I had so much to give… so many feelings. By the time the last fish disappeared, carrying away the sting of Havoc’s betrayal, I felt numb.
