“I don’t see it that way. Just the opposite. I think an around-the-clock dynamic means most of it isn’t a scene. It’s just how two people are when they’ve agreed to that relationship.”
He twists to see me better, so I have no choice but to lift my head. I turn to face him more.
“Little one, I told you I don’t see us having this same dynamic once the imminent danger is over. I told you I want to be your Dom, and I do. That won’t change, but when Roberto asked youif you were ending things for a romantic relationship, you looked at me and I nodded. It can be both.”
“I know.”
He watches me for a moment. “Do you not want both?”
“I don’t know.”
“I won’t press to be your boyfriend or anything more than your Dom if you don’t want that.”
“Why do you assume I only want you as my Dom?”
“You trust me with your body, but you don’t trust me with more.”
I shake my head.
“Pablo, you’re intelligent, but that’s absolutely a stupid assessment of how things are between us. I know what I said earlier, but it turns out I was wrong. I trust you with my life. Not because you forced me to come with you, so I have little choice. I told you I could’ve put up a far greater fight. I wouldn’t have gone with you—at least not without you forcing me—if I didn’t want to. I could’ve shut myself in that guest bedroom and refused to talk to you, refused to come out. You could’ve forced me to. I’m a willing participant. You may have given me little choice about coming with you, but you gave me some. If I’d really fought you, you would’ve taken me to my mother or my grandparents on either side. Your idea of taking care of me isn’t some twisted Stockholm Syndrome because I don’t feel like your captive. If I insisted upon leaving, you’d try to convince me otherwise, but I don’t believe you’d imprison me here. You’d take me somewhere else safe. You wouldn’t agree with my choice, but you’d respect it. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not.”
He appears uncomfortable now, so he looks away from me. He stares into space for so long I rest my hand on his thigh.
“Pablo?”
“What you said is something easily figured out just by knowing my family’s commitment to protect those who can’t protect themselves. It’s fucked up, but that’s why my family’s stayed in the Cartel. We know how much worse it could be for people if another family led. We’ve always made it clear women and children are off limits. It’s why, unlike other syndicates, we don’t recruit. We don’t go near minors to get them to join. Yes, it’s a legacy in many families, butTíoEnrique accepts no one before they’re eighteen.”
“You’re the one who’s withdrawn now. What else aren’t you telling me? Is this something you really have to keep secret? I’ve been around cartels my entire life, Pablo. I know you’ll lie to me often. Sometimes it’ll be by avoiding telling me anything, and sometimes you’ll tell me a bald-faced untruth. I understand why. You’re not just protecting yourself. You’re protecting your family, the people who work for you, their families. I get that.”
“I’ll be protecting you too.”
He’s quiet when he says that. I don’t think he likes admitting it, even if I did it for him.
“Is whatever you’re thinking so bad you have to protect me from it? Or are you just unaccustomed to sharing your thoughts?”
“I’m unaccustomed to sharing them with anyone outside my family. They can read me so well that most of the time I don’t have to say anything. No one else can do that. At least, no one else could. I feel like you can.”
I know that confession cost him a lot. He’s being vulnerable with me, and I won’t take that for granted. I inhale before responding. I might humiliate myself.
“Papí?”
He sucks in a breath so deep his stomach caves. He’s slow to look at me. My hand on his thigh presses harder as the arm that was around his waist lets go, so I can cup his face.
“You see way more of me than I’ve let anyone else see. I don’t think I could stop you. You get me.”
“Call me that again,chiquita.”
“Papí.”
“We understand each other. You don’t look at me as a replacement for your father, do you?”
I choke on my laugh as I shake my head.
“Most definitely not. I don’t think I have daddy issues either. I don’t have a distrust of men because my father failed my mother and me. I don’t want a replacement for the father I never had. I don’t feel younger than I am and want someone to treat me that way. But you make me feel shielded from everything going wrong. You take care of me in whatever way you think I need. I also think it’s sexy as fuck in Spanish. But I think you know I mean it more than just some term people toss around.”
“I think it’s because you know I call no other womanchiquitaorchica.”
