“I think silly things all the time.”
She laughed quietly. “I welcome all the silly things you want to bring to the table. We can all use a little silly. However, I think this is more important than that.”
Audrey sighed. It wasn’t important, but it wasn’t silly in the fun way either. “I just… I have a thing about Legionnaire’s disease.”
“Right.” She frowned like she was trying to place what she knew about the disease in question.
“It can show up in standing water and, for some ridiculous reason, every time I use a tap I don’t know, I think I’m about to get assaulted by the thing.” She shook her head and tried to play it all off as a weird joke. “You should see how long I need to run every tap in my apartment when I get home.”
Hallie nodded. “Okay, well, I promise those taps are used more than frequently enough. I promise you didn’t get Legionnaire’s disease.”
Audrey’s heart ached at how softly she said that, how little judgment or scolding there was in her tone. Other people had promised she hadn’t picked up Legionnaire’s disease before, but they’d been ridiculing her.
Not Hallie.
“Okay,” Audrey said, a little choked up. “Sorry.”
She shrugged. “You don’t have to be sorry.”
Audrey wanted to argue that she did, but Hallie simply continued softly massaging Audrey’s fingertips, so caring, so forgiving, so understanding, and she wasn’t sure what to do with any of the situation other than stay still and let herself be cared for.
When Hallie was done, she held Audrey’s hands carefully in her own and placed them on the bed between them. “I think you should stay here until Sunday. If you want to?”
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly do that.”
“You absolutely could,” Hallie shot back with a smile. “And I implore you to. Going back there isn’t healthy. It’s not what you need. Here, you’ll be safe and looked after, and…” She trailed off and shook her head as if she genuinely thought something dark and terrible would happen to Audrey if she went back to her family.
“I’m used to being around them. I know how to tolerate this.”
Hallie’s breath sounded more painful than Audrey had expected, but she found she couldn’t quite meet Hallie’s eye when she was lying. She wasn’t trying to lie to Hallie, it was more to herself. Everythinghadto be okay. She needed to know how to tolerate being around her family, needed to figure it out. She’d done it before and she’d do it again.
Every year that passed seemed to get more and more complicated, more difficult. Her therapist insisted it was because she understood it better now, that she spent more time away from it all. Her body knew safety, so going back to that place was harder. When she’d been growing up, she’d been living in the trauma, she dissociated and made it through. Now, it weighed on her.
But she could figure it out.
“Besides,” she continued awkwardly, “I don’t have any of my stuff here. I can’t keep putting you out when I don’t even have my clothes.”
Hallie smiled. “You have enough clothes with you for us to make it to a store to buy a few things to tide you over.”
“I guess… But I don’t want to ruin your week, or put you out, or your mom…”
“Please,” Hallie laughed. “She wants you here. She absolutely adores having us all around and she really likes you.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It is.”
Audrey stared at her. It was like she thought it was so simple, so easy. How did families exist so peacefully?
“Do you want to ask her?” Hallie offered when Audrey didn’t reply.
“No. If I did, she’d just feel compelled to agree and that wouldn’t be fair.”
Hallie smiled but there was a furrow between her brows that suggested she really didn’t like the way Audrey experienced families, needs, or requests. “Okay. How about I go ask her and report back? That way, she won’t feel compelled to be polite, we’ll have asked, and you can feel secure in the knowledge that you’re welcome here.”
Audrey chewed her lip. Her hands itched to tap. They were sore and weak but they still wanted to. Hallie might have been able to feel it. Her thumbs started rubbing, applying soothing pressure in the centers of Audrey’s palms.
“I promise it’s okay,” she said, working to hold Audrey’s anxious gaze.
