It was always like this. Her family wasthis. And, every year, she’d convince herself it would be okay. Everyone else would act like it was perfectly normal, so what other choice did she have but to suck it up and swallow it down? But, the second they introduced Hallie into the equation, everything got harder. Sure, Audrey had been realizing more and more just how bad things were, but having Hallie see her, see the… bad parts of her family and tell her she deserved better… How did she keep gaslighting herself into believing she was the problem when someone was standing in the midst of it all with her and insisting she wasn’t? All the times she’d needed to fall apart over her family had been building up inside of her and, the second someone saw that, acknowledged it, and gave her the space to feel it, it all came flooding out. And it felt far more complicated than she had any way to process.
She swallowed hard and squeezed Hallie’s hand. “I don’t even know what to say.” Her voice was shaky and breathless.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Hallie replied quickly, stroking a thumb over Audrey’s hand.
She really shouldn’t have been like this around other people, let alone someone she’d only just met. Even worse, it was River’s fake girlfriend. How were they going to explain that whole thing?
“Audrey,” Hallie said again, bringing her back into the moment.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. But, for now, stay here with me. We’re far away, you’re safe, and we’ll deal with whatever we need to later.”
For half a second, Audrey wondered whether she’d been verbalizing her thoughts. Then, she realized it probably wasn’t hard to put together the panic that was undoubtedly crossing her face.
She nodded, taking a shaky breath and looking at the house again. It really was lovely.
“Is there anything that might help right now?” Hallie asked.
Audrey needed a shower. She needed water so hot it hurt. She needed to decontaminate her body so that maybe her mind could rest a little. But she couldn’t ask for that.
She could, however, probably ask for the music to be annoyingly loud for a moment. Not so high as to do damage but enough to drown out some of her thoughts.
She nodded at the stereo. “Can we play that loud for a moment?”
Hallie breathed a surprised laugh. “Of course.”
She waited, but when Audrey didn’t move to adjust the volume, she did it herself, watching for the moment Audrey nodded that it was loud enough.
It was obnoxiously loud. People would be able to hear it if they stood outside the car, but it helped and Audrey’s breathing came a little easier.
When the song ended, she nodded and finally released Hallie’s hand, feeling more than a little embarrassed that she’d needed the physical contact. When she went through this stuff, she didn’t feel like herself and she hated that. Of course, most of the time she was around her family she didn’t feel like herself, but she knew she wasn’t alone in that feeling.
“We can stay here longer if you want to,” Hallie said sincerely as she turned the music down again.
Audrey shook her head. “It’s okay.”
“If you’re sure?”
“I am.” She tried to banish the thought echoing in her head but her mind wasn’t having any of it. She looked down as she asked, “Your mom’s not sick right now, is she?”
“No, she’s perfectly healthy.”
Audrey nodded, mentally telling herself it was going to be okay. She wasn’t going to pick anything up here, she was safe, and nothing terrible was going to happen. “I’m ready.”
Hallie nodded, looking her over one last time. Audrey wasn’t sure what she was hoping to see—or what she did—but she killed the engine and opened the car door.
Cold air whooshed in around Audrey as she, too, opened her door and stepped out into crunchy, fresh snow. Hallie stopped to grab their pants and that was the moment Audrey realized she was walking into Hallie’s family home wearing her sweatpants. Luckily, Audrey’s winter boots made up for the difference between the end of the trousers and her ankles, but it was, objectively, still a little odd. Not as odd as clambering into the back seat to change again would be, though.
They walked the winding path to the front door and it felt more magical than the cabin Audrey’s family had booked. Not because the cabin wasn’t lovely, but because she knew it held her family inside. It hurt that walking up to a house with a stranger inside was more comfortable.
Hallie didn’t hesitate for a moment at the door, and, as Audrey’s eyes caught on the polished ‘31’, she was reminded of Zora who never hesitated at her mom’s house either. That was how it was supposed to be. Audrey couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t hesitated by her parents’ front door.
“Hey, Mom,” Hallie called, bright and cheerful and relaxed, as she shut the door behind Audrey.
“Hi, honey,” a voice called back from deep inside the house, and Audrey felt like crying.
Hallie’s mom sounded warm and friendly. Relaxed and welcoming. She sounded nice. The house was nice.
