The quiet night seemed to become oppressive in the moment after she registered what she’d just said. As though everything fell completely silent and all she could hear was a high-pitched whining. The horror of the confession was pressing up against her ear drums and making everything real and terrible.
Audrey blinked and pressed her lips together, nodding slowly. “Okay. That’s… interesting.”
Hallie laughed wildly, the sound unpleasant. “Sorry. I definitely shouldn’t have said that.”
“I’ve probably said weirder.”
“Have you?”
“Uh… no.”
Hallie laughed again, the sound a little more natural. “I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have said that. Please forget I said anything. I’m going to go.”
“Hallie,” Audrey said, reaching to grab her arm as best she could when Hallie stood up to leave. “It’s okay.”
“It’s many things, but I don’t know about that. It was pretty heavily implied that we’d be keeping it a secret.”
Audrey half smiled. “I’m actually really good at secrets. Especially around my family. It’s not like any of them are going to ask me questions about the two of you. They’re going to see what they want to see.”
“Two people in love.”
“Sure.” She scrunched her nose. “I’m actually not convinced that’s a requisite part of it, but we all pretend it’s that, don’t we?”
Hallie blinked rapidly, her brain still spinning. “How’d you mean?”
“Love. Sure, there’s some of that, but it’s not what everyone cares the most about. It’s just… finding someone, being with them, the illusion of love and the idea that partnership is success. It’s the image. So long as you can provide that image, nobody will ask a thing.”
“I’m so unclear on how this family produced you.”
“It made River too.”
“Right. But she’s… sweet. She imagines the best in every situation.”
“And I’m… not sweet?”
Hallie’s breathing stumbled. She was screwing this whole thing up in every way it was possible to do so. The last thing she’d been trying to do was insult Audrey. “No. I mean, yes, you are! I just meant… you… uh, you… Fuck.”
Audrey laughed and nudged her. “Take your time.”
Hallie took a moment, breathing purposefully, concentrating on the bitterly cold air surging into her body. “I just meant,” she said eventually, “that you think about these things in a way River doesn’t. She’s not bought into all the same attitudes as your family, but she just sees them as the way things are. You… you’re out here actively going against them and feeling the brunt of all that. And yet…”
“I never wanted to get lost in all of it. I knew I hated the way my family saw life, knew I wanted more than that. And, I movedaway, started working with what happens at the end of life. It’s hard to see that and not want more thantolerablewhile you’re alive.”
“Going against your family takes far more strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.”
The more they spoke, the easier it was for Hallie to calm down, to feel like she hadn’t blown everything.
Audrey shot her an amused look. “I was the weird kid who ran around talking about bugs, crying whenever I saw a bumble bee dying on the sidewalk. My whole life set me up to go my own way. My family thinks my job is fucking weird.”
“They should be proud of you. It’s amazing.”
“There’s a lot of things they should be doing, but I’m still here. Still waiting for the day they love me.”
“Audrey…”
She smiled sadly and sat up straighter. “It’s okay. The whole thing isn’t as bad as it sounds. And I’m sure they love me in their way. Families are just complicated.”
Hallie wanted Audrey to meet her family. They were chaotic and they’d had their moments as kids of fighting like it was to the death, but they loved each other, they listened and understood each other. It was a million miles from the Sinclairs. She wanted Audrey to know that was possible.
