Everyone else had already retired to their rooms or to relax elsewhere, and, once her parents and brother finally swept out of the room, breathing came a little easier. Audrey still felt dizzy but at least she wasn’t having to perform for anyone else. And she was getting through the dishes. Things were cleaner, tidier. There was order in the room again. No chaos, no loud noises.
She circled the sponge on each of the dishes seven times. Wiped diagonally seven times. Rinsed. Checked them with her hand as she ran them under clean water. Seven more wipes with the sponge. Rinsed. Checked again. Rinsed. And placed them on the draining board.
Everything was okay. Everything was going to be okay so long as she could do this right.
By the time she’d finished, the entirety of the downstairs had grown quiet and dark. Audrey didn’t mind that. She was safe at night, in the dark, alone.
She climbed the stairs quietly, not looking to see anyone else tonight.
Her room was like a sanctuary. Sure, she’d rather be in her own apartment where she understood everything, controlled everything, but this was her private space, and nobody else was in it.
They had an early morning tomorrow. The annual welcome breakfast. The first morning after everyone was there. Audreydidn’t want to go. She didn’t want to get up for it. But she knew she would. She wouldn’t want to seem ungrateful or selfish. Her feelings were just a temporary thing that would pass and everything would be fine—great, even.
She pulled open the floor-to-ceiling curtains, revealing the door to the balcony. Snow would be along in a few days if the current forecast stood. Tonight, though, it was icy cold. She could already see frost forming on the trees that surrounded the cabin.
Cold was good. Night was good. It was peaceful.
She pulled an extra sweater on over the one she was already wearing and opened the door.
The cold hit her like a wall and actually made her smile. Sometimes, she forgot just how frigid it got here, but she’d never forget how to dress for it. Usually, that entailed more layers than she was currently wearing. When she needed to shock her body out of its painful spiral, it did not.
She leaned against the wooden railing. In the quiet, she could hear the occasional traffic from the nearby highway. Late-night traffic felt soothing. Living in California was like that, she supposed. She was now a tangled mix of empty roads and traffic both feeling comforting.
Her therapist had done a lot of breath work with her, and it was often helpful, but Audrey liked it best in the cold. She did it with cups of ice back home when the weather was too warm—good for bug populations, not great for breathing cold air.
As some of the acute panic slipped from her body, she closed her eyes and concentrated on the cold night raising goosebumps on her exposed skin. Tracking the air entering her lungs was easy when it was so cold. Fresh, prickly as it surged down into her chest. Bizarrely soothing, reassuring, exactly what she needed. She counted, triangle breathing, grounding herself.
Why would she ever fall for someone and bring them here? If she ever did fall in love with someone, wouldn’t her highest priority be protecting them from everything her family made her feel? She would need to bring them to Horrocks, though. Without her family. Of all the things she’d want to share in a relationship, that maple bourbon balsamic was pretty high on the list.
A door opened and she jolted, whipping towards the sound. It hadn’t really registered that she was on a shared balcony. For one minute, she wanted to run, to hide, to be completely out of sight. Then, her eyes met that round face and those icy-blue eyes from earlier and the urge to bolt wasn’t quite as strong.
“Hello,” Hallie said with a smile, voice hushed as she pulled the door to her room shut behind her. “I wasn’t expecting to have to fight for the balcony in the middle of the night.”
Audrey smiled back. Her pulse was still a little too fast but Hallie was one of the easiest people here to be around. River wasn’t bad, probably her usual favorite, but there was something about how much Hallie hated the family’s comments, how she didn’t want to be part of that, hadn’t ever been conditioned to think like the rest of them that just made her… gentle in Audrey’s mind, peaceful to be around.
“Of course,” Hallie continued, stepping up beside Audrey and wrapping the wool blankets she’d brought out with her tighter around her body, “I wasn’t expecting it to just beyouout here, so maybe I don’t need to fight to the death for balcony rights after all.”
Audrey raised her eyebrows. “Fight to the death, huh? You really take your balconies seriously.”
“I don’t have one at my place. Alternating floors have them and someone snapped up the last balcony apartment about five minutes ahead of me.”
“Ouch.”
“Indeed.” She sighed heavily, making it more dramatic than she clearly felt. “So, you see, this balcony is a real sore spot for me.”
Audrey leaned her head on one of her hands and twisted so she could look at Hallie. “Want me to go? No fight required.”
Her smile softened. “No. I like you. You can stay.”
“Quite the honor.”
Hallie looked her over, and, while her smile stayed in place, her eyes narrowed knowingly. “Are you doing okay?”
“I’m good,” Audrey answered automatically. What other choice was there?
Hallie’s face crumpled briefly and she glanced behind them at the house. “You aren’t required to say that, you know?”
Whether or not Audrey knew that was a matter of whether logic or emotion won out, and, when she was here with her family, logic took a back seat to survival. She shook her head. “It’s fine. I’m used to it. The first day is rough and then I… get used to it.”
