Not that I want to marry Reed.
Not yet anyway, my subconscious helpfully supplies, but I want what they have. I want Reed in my life permanently, not just passing through it. I just don’t know when or how to go about asking for it.
I do know that it definitely isn’t here and now, so I let go of Sean and drag him with me into the kitchen to find the others.
Lunch is wonderful, and we spend a good few hours sat around their kitchen table drinking wine and chatting aboutanything and everything. It’s easy, comfortable, and for a little while I forget that Reed and I aren’t a couple, that were not like the loved up pair sat opposite us.
Sean has his arm draped casually over Vic’s shoulders, and Vic has his hand on Sean’s thigh. It looks effortless, the familiarity between the two of them, and I’m not even thinking about it when I reach for Reed’s hand and wrap my fingers around it.
He stops mid-sentence, and I realise with a jolt that I’ve just outed us. Not that Sean and Vic didn’t already know, but I’m pretty sure we’ve never admitted out loud that we’re together.
Sortof together.
All eyes turn to me, and I do the only thing I can think of. I stand, letting go of Reed in the process. “Sorry, I just need a piss. Back in a sec.” I offer everyone a smile, but I can’t make myself meet Reed’s gaze, worried that I’ve just fucked up.
Sean’s waiting for me in the hall when I come out of the downstairs loo.
“Is everything okay?” He’s leaning against the wall, arms crossed, watching me.
I glance towards the kitchen, but Sean shakes his head.
“They’ve taken the dogs outside.”
“Fuck.” I join him against the wall and let my head fall back against it. “I didn’t mean to hold his hand like that. I forgot for a minute that we aren’t actually a couple.”
Sean hums and I turn to look at him, eyebrow raised.
“What’s that supposed to mean? And did he say anything after I left.”
“Nope. Vic asked him if he’d heard anything more about his house and Reed told him he’d accepted an offer on it.” He sighs. “Is that why you’re acting squirrelly tonight?”
“Fuck you, I’m not squirrelly.”
“Well, something’s up with you.”
I stare at him, because really? “Reed’s house has sold. He’ll be moving out soon.”
Sean has the gall to roll his eyes. “It’s not like he’s going to move out next week. And anyway, what does that matter, it’s not like you won’t see him again after he gets his own place.”
I grimace. Because my gut tells me that’s exactly what it means, and as much as I try and rationalise that I’m overreacting, I can’t shake the feeling.
“Jerry?” Sean prompts.
I run a hand through my hair, sorting out the words in my head. “We’ve not talked about it.”
He waits, knowing there’s more.
“About what’ll happen when he eventually moves out.” When I say the words aloud, the solution seems obvious, and Sean agrees.
He frowns. “Then talk about it now.”
The truth is something I’ve avoided thinking about, but if I can admit it to anyone, it’s Sean. “I’m scared that he’ll want to end things when he leaves.” My voice is quiet, like I’m still afraid of saying it out loud. Doesn’t make it any less true though. “We said we didn’t need to label this thing between us, that we’d just go with the flow, but...” I hold out my hands, out of words.
Sean sighs. “But you love him.”
“No, I?—”
Do I? It’s a big word, one I don’t toss around lightly, but when I think back over the past few days... Reed turning up at the practice, the way everything seemed so much better when he wrapped me up in a hug I so desperately needed. “Yeah,” I whisper, blinking back sudden and unwelcome tears. “I think I might.”
