“I think last year was a bit of a rush, what with Hailey and Char taking over the pub and Hailey expecting their baby any second.” He pauses and I wonder if he’s remembering anything else about last year.
Like New Year’s Eve in particular.
Hard to believe it’s been almost a year since I met Jerry.
Since I first kissed him.
And now you’re living with him.
It takes me a second to get my mind back to the present and realise Jerry’s talking again.
“So this year, I think they wanted to add their own touch to the decorations now they have the time to do it properly.”
We sit in silent appreciation of the beautifully decorated country pub. It’s Christmas card worthy—one of those fancy thick ones, not the twenty you get for a fiver.
Warm-white icicle lights follow the lines of the roof, all along the eaves. The lower windows have thick green garlands along the sills, with more lights wound around them. A huge wreath decorates the door, the red berries of the holly matching the ribbon tied into a big, elegant bow.
I don’t remember if they had a Christmas tree outside last year, but they have one now, and it’s a beauty. Taller than me by about four feet, its lights fade in and out in a hypnotic dance that steals my attention until Jerry speaks.
“Feeling more Christmassy yet?”
My smile is immediate and so wide I know he can see it even with me still looking out the window. “Getting there.”
Jerry chuckles. “Just wait till you get inside.”
He drives around to the car park behind the pub, which is almost full. I’m not sure why I’m surprised. It’s a Saturday night. But I guess I wasn’t expecting the local pub to be heaving.
Another thing I’m not used to is all the stars.
The night is almost cloudless, which means it’s pretty fucking cold, but I can’t help but stop and stare up at the ink-coloured sky. Can’t hide the awe in my voice as I whisper, “They’re so bright.”
“They are.” Jerry comes to a stop beside me, standing so close, our arms brush.
It seems so natural, I half expect him to sling his arm around my shoulders and pull me in even closer, and when he doesn’t, the disappointment is real.
He shifts position, sliding his hands into his pockets. “I’ve been here for so long now, I sometimes take all this for granted.” His breath fogs the air and that draws my attention to his mouth. I’m suddenly hit with the strongest memory of being here almost eleven months ago.
Of warm lips on mine as a pub of happy villagers celebrated around us.
Of a kiss that was everything I needed at the time but also the only thing I had to offer.
Things are different now.
I’mdifferent.
I’m no longer crippled by the gnawing pain of not being enough to keep the man I was in love with. It’s not totally gone, still hurts if I let it, but I’m better at not doing that these days.
But with our current living situation, I still don’t have anything more to offer Jerry than a warm smile when he turns to face me.
I wonder if that will change when I eventually move out or if the moment will have passed for both of us. The thought that Jerry might no longer look at me with that burning hunger I’ve witnessed on two occasions now—maybe three if we stay out here any longer—causes a pang in my chest, stronger than I was expecting.
“Come on,” I hiss, making a show of rubbing my hands together because I need him to stop looking at me like that. “It’s fucking freezing out here.”
That snaps him out of it, and he steps back, but not before his gaze dips to my mouth. I wet my lips, an unconscious decision that doesn’t help the moment at all, but Jerry is a stronger man than me, and with a wry grin I don’t think I’m supposed to see, he gestures towards the pub behind us. “Come on then, let’s get your southern blood warmed up.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
His laughter rings out in the still night, and whatever tension was building between us ebbs to a warm hum that never quite goes away.
