Grace Forsythe gave a long-suffering sigh. “No sense of fun, no sense of nuance, that’s her problem. Where were we?” Shepaused for a third of a heartbeat. “Ah yes,the question remains, who, at last, is our winner.”
Silence reigned on the grounds. Or at least silence would reign once the birdsong, distant sounds of traffic, and muttering of unruly children had been edited out in post.
“Well,” Grace Forsythe went on. “Without any more delay.”
This phrase, naturally, preceded a delay of some seconds.
“I can announce.”
She paused again.
“That the winner.”
And again.
“Of the eighth.”
Again.
“Season.”
Again. And this time Colin Thrimp piped up. “Jennifer says you’re just taking the piss now.”
“Colin”—Grace Forsythe affected a tone of outrage—“there arechildrenpresent.”
“Jennifer says…” And here Colin Thrimp blushed and tripped a little on his words. “Um, that is, she sayseff the children.”
Grace Forsythe smiled. “I bet she doesn’t. But do remind her that all she’s doing is delaying things unnecessarily.” Then she stopped, took a dramatically deep breath, and returned to her speech with the word “Of.”
“Seriously Grace,” Colin relayed.
“Bake.”
“You are this close to being fired.”
“Expectations.” Pause. “Is.”
“I mean it.”
“None other.”
“She says that’s it, you’re done. It’s over. You’re…well you can probably fill in the details for yourself.”
“Than.”
Still, Grace was pausing for effect.
“Meera.”
The crowd burst into thunderous applause, Meera looked like she was about to faint, and Audrey, despite having deep down felt that Meeradeservedthe win, could scarcely believe that she’d actuallygotthe win.
There was about a three-second window between Meera being handed her frankly tacky trophy-that-was-also-a-functioning-cake-slice and the whole group of finalists being mobbed by their various emotionally resonant guests, plus the occasional person who just wanted to take their last chance to get on telly. Audrey stood a little to one side, leaving the moment for the people who’d earned it. Besides, she was still processing.
“Some comments for the cameras,” one of the interchangeable, black-T-shirted producers was saying to Meera.
With her adoring and, Audrey had to admit, adorable family gathered around her, Meera clutched her cake-slice-trophy like a sword and smiled at the viewing public. “I should probably say,” she began, “that I’m just happy to be here, and everybody did so well and I wish we could all have been winners, and ladies—” she turned to Doris and Alanis who, Audrey was sure, would be at least briefly cut into the shot in post—“you were both brilliant. But I think what I reallywantto say”—she brandished the cake slice—“is: I earned this.”
It wasn’t the acceptance speech Audrey had expected, but she sneakily thought it had a good chance of becoming iconic.
