I watched, bewildered, as Persi motioned wordlessly to Leila, waving her hands toward the back door. Leila looked confused for a moment, then her face lit up with understanding, and she vanished across the porch in the direction of the back door. Persi, still muttering under her breath, followed, pausing only long enough to say to me, “Don’t forget to set the alarm.”
I stood for a moment, considering. Did I know better than to eavesdrop? Yes.
Did my curiosity coupled with my brimming anxiety get the better of my judgment? Also yes.
Navigating the old and therefore noisy floorboards, I crept my way toward the back door until I was close enough to put my ear against the crack. In a newer building, I might not have been able to make out the hushed voices on the other side, but Shadowkeep’s warped and drafty old door provided the perfect place to listen.
“—told you that I can’t do this right now,” Persi was saying in a low voice.
“But why? I don’t understand, I thought?—”
“I was up front with you, Leila. I told you I was in a bad place. I told you I couldn’t… that I wasn’t ready for anything serious.”
“I’m not talking about anything serious, Persi. I just want to make sure you’re all right, but it’s like you’re ghosting me.”
“I’m not ghosting you, all right? I just have… there’s a lot going on.”
“You’ve got time for Bernadette.”
The pause that followed was so heavy with tension that I shivered on the other side of the door.
“Why do you know about that?” Persi finally asked, in an almost monotone voice.
Leila seemed to realize she made a mistake. “I… I didn’t… I?—”
“So you’re, what? Stalking me now? Following me?”
“Of course not! But I… I’ve just been so worried about you.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“But you don’t have to. Persi, I know you loved her, but you don’t have to face this alone.”
“Yes, I do.” She spat the words out, like they were something foul and poisonous. “It’s my fault, and I have to fix it.”
“It’s not your fault. Bernadette made her choices,” Leila said, so softly it was almost a whisper.
“She made those choices because of me. I’m serious, Leila. Just… forget about me, okay? I’m not good for anyone right now, least of all myself. Go… find someone healthy for goddess’ sake. Someone who isn’t drowning in her own mistakes. All I’m capable of right now is dragging someone down.”
I heard Persi’s footsteps echoing across the porch. Leila called after her once, in a hopeless voice. Then there was maybe a minute of silence before Leila’s footsteps followed Persi’s away from Shadowkeep.
I felt weighted down as I moved away from the door—heavy with guilt that I’d spied on Persi, but also full of sadness. I was sad for Leila, who was obviously smitten with the chronically emotionally unavailable Persi, but more so for Persi herself. I knew that she was still visiting Bernadette. I knew she still had some lingering feelings for her. But I hadn’t realized that those feelings were still so all-consuming. I couldn’t say whatBernadette was like before I came to Sedgwick Cove—by the time I’d met her, she was deep into her entanglement with Sarah Claire, and likely already losing her mind. But if Persi was still chasing that long-distant version of Bernadette, she was chasing a ghost. The thought made me sad, but also angry.
So much pain and sorrow, and for what? The Darkness left only misery in its wake, and this was just another example of the fallout.
I set out on my bike for home, preparing for an evening of make-believe. I pretended to have an appetite at the dinner table, forcing down bites of food, and moving the rest around my plate so that it looked like I’d eaten more than I really had. Then I pretended to read a book in the library until it was late enough that I could go up to bed without arousing suspicion. I feigned tiredness, even as my entire body was electrified with anxiety about the night ahead. I kissed my mom good night, went up to my room, closed the door, and waited.
17
Gradually, the cottage went to sleep around me. I listened for the footsteps, first Rhi’s, then my mom’s, as they made their way up to bed. The general sounds of life settled into the gentle rhythm of sleep, but still, I waited. I had to be sure.
At last, around one o’clock in the morning, I decided it was safe. I texted Eva and Zale to confirm our plan, and then texted Jess. I held my breath waiting for her response. Minutes ticked by. Had she been discovered? Finally, the reply came through, and I exhaled.
I’ll meet you there. Thank you. Be careful.
I knew it was unlikely that I’d meet anyone on my way to the lighthouse—Lightkeep Cottage was the last house on the road to the cliffs—but that didn’t stop me from looking over my shoulder every five seconds on my dark, solitary walk. I kept to the edge of the trees where I could, and kept my flashlight trained low and close to the ground.
I was the first to reach our chosen meeting spot behind a large, jagged rock. I could see the lights from the Playhouse parking lot through the misty haze that had settled over the cove like a blanket. I stood there, bouncing on the balls of my feet, until I heard footsteps and turned to seeZale and Eva hurrying toward me, Zale looking almost painfully excited, and Eva looking anxious.
