I must have looked skeptical. I glanced around me, but I couldn’t imagine a place more vibrant, more… alive.
My mom interpreted my expression perfectly. “Asteria,” she said, shaking her head. “She rebuilt it for me, during the years we were gone from Sedgwick Cove. I never asked her to. I never wanted to think about this place again. But she knew what I didn’t know, of course. She knew about the Covenant. She knew we’d have no choice but to come back one day, and when we did, she wanted this place to be waiting for me.” What started as a laugh ended in a sob. “I really didn’t deserve her. It wasn’t this place I was mad at. It was me. My magic.”
I realized I was holding my breath, and let it whoosh out of me. I felt almost dizzy with the weight of all she was telling me.
“The other thing I didn’t know then, Wren, was that the Darkness was after your magic. After all, we had no idea what your magical gifts would be. Vesper witches are traditionally powerful, but not always. One of Asteria’s cousins never really managed much magic at all, never developed a clear affinity. So, it does happen, even in families like ours. But even assuming you would someday be a witch of potent magical ability, my mind couldn’t fathom that the Darkness wanted you for you. I thoughtthe Darkness wanted you to get to us. I thought it wanted the Vespers. And that meant that my magic had put you in danger.”
I pressed my lips together. Just because I thought I should respond didn’t mean I had any idea what to say.
“It wasn’t just that I wanted to run from this place, Wren. I wanted to run from myself. From my magic. I wanted to sever myself from the thing that put you in danger. It seems ridiculous now, but I was crazy with fear. I thought I could do it. I thought I could walk away from my magic. I thought if I never used it, if I let it wither on the vine, if you’ll pardon the plant analogy, that it would shrivel up and drop away. I wanted to starve my magic. So that’s what I did.”
“You moved us to a city, somewhere that didn’t have many trees or green spaces,” I said.
“That’s right. I never had plants in the house. Not even cut flowers. I told you it was because I was allergic, that I had a black thumb, that I was too busy or tired to take care of anything but you. But of course, the truth was that I didn’t want to tempt myself. I didn’t want to give my magic anything it could work on.”
“How did that make you feel?” I whispered. “Wasn’t it hard?”
“It was, harder than I ever could have imagined, but I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge it. I was a mourner who was completely burying her grief. It… wasn’t healthy. It’s one of the reasons I would get so angry when Asteria came to visit. It wasn’t just that I was worried that she’d let something slip to you. It was because she was the living embodiment of what I’d chosen to leave behind, and I… I resented her for it. I was jealous.”
My mother was revealing herself to me, layers of delicate petals peeling back to reveal what was in her heart; and though some of it made perfect sense, I never, in a million years, would have thought my mother jealous of Asteria. I couldn’t reconcilethat emotion with what I’d seen pass between them, but then, I’d never understood any of it until Asteria was gone.
“I’m sorry you had to… to choose between me and who you are,” I finally managed to say.
My mother’s face crumpled. “Ah, shit. This is one of the reasons I kept putting this off, Wren. I knew you would find a way to blame yourself, and that’s the last thing I want. This whole mess is my fault, honey, not yours. These were my choices, and I… well, I wouldn’t say I don’t regret them. Let’s face it, this whole situation is messier than that.” My mom passed a hand over her face, and sighed deeply. “I regret running away from Sedgwick Cove because, in the end, it didn’t protect you. I should have known that it wouldn’t. Asteria certainly knew, but I couldn’t bring myself to listen to her. And now here we are without her. What I wouldn’t give to be able to take her advice now.”
My heartbeat stuttered. Should I tell her that I’d seen Asteria just this afternoon, standing in the garden of Shadowkeep? Surely not. What purpose could it serve? Asteria certainly wasn’t here now, and I had no idea if I would ever see her again. No. Best to keep my mouth shut, at least for now. If I saw Asteria again, then maybe… well, I would cross that bridge if I got to it.
“Thank you for telling me all this,” I said instead. “That was… you really didn’t have to.”
“Yes, I did,” my mom said. “I’ve owed you an explanation for a long time, Wren. You didn’t get the full story even after the lighthouse, and that’s inexcusable. And so, I’m offering you another apology as well. I know moms are supposed to have it all together or whatever, but… well, I hate to break it to you, but moms are just people stumbling through life like everyone else. We only pretend to have it all together so you’ll listen to us.”
“I’m gonna remind you that you said that,” I teased.
“Good. Maybe it will keep me humble, and help me stop and think before I do something else as monumentally stupid as abandoning this place,” she said, gesturing around her.
I followed the path of her hand through the air, taking in the garden again. “You said Asteria took care of this place for you?”
My mom nodded. “The most remarkable thing about it is that it still feels likemine.She fixed it but, magically speaking, she left hardly a fingerprint. Now that’s a skill I have yet to attain.”
“Maybe you should start practicing,” I suggested.
And then at last, my motherreallysmiled: a full, uncomplicated smile that lit up her face and made her look, for a moment, like the girl who had once brought life and color to this place. She reached a hand out for mine, and I took it.
“Maybe I should.”
15
Icould happily have spent hours in that garden with my mom. Seeing her perform her magic was as strange and wonderful as anything that had happened to me since arriving in Sedgwick Cove. I couldn’t find it in me to be angry that she’d never shown me this side of her—I was too happy to watch her embrace it again. I wondered if this was what it had been like when she was a girl, watching Asteria bring color and growth, with nothing but the power tingling in her fingertips. But though I was impressed with each and every mesmerizing bit of green magic, it was clear my mom was frustrated.
“I suppose I couldn’t neglect my magic for thirteen years, and expect everything to come flooding back to me,” she said, sighing over a wilting hydrangea blossom. “Looks like you and I will both have some practicing to do.”
But that practicing would have to wait. I had a stop to make before I went to Eva’s house.
I pulled my bike up in front of the Manor, my heart pounding. I’d texted Nova several times, but she hadn’t replied to me. I was starting to think that maybe she’d had her phone taken away. I checked with Eva and Zale, too, but no one hadheard from her. The Conclave knew about the Cleansing now, but that didn’t mean that Nova did.
My whole body was buzzing with anxiety as I walked around the side of the house. I knew Ostara wasn’t home. I’d overheard Rhi on the phone with Xiomara, talking about the Conclave and how they were at the Historical Society for final approval of the exhibits for Litha. I wasn’t sure how long they’d be there, so there was no time to waste. I didn’t know who else might be home, but I wasn’t going to risk them turning me away at the door. I counted the windows along the back of the house, until I was under Nova’s room. Then I picked up a small pebble, smooth and rounded by the sea, and threw it toward her window. It took three failed attempts and three successful ones before Nova’s face appeared. I watched her eyes go wide, and then she opened the window.
“Wren? What the hell are you doing?”
