It makes my heart swell and splinter at the same time. I’m so proud I could burst. However, the future looms, the same as a bruise. Next year she’ll be gone. Off to one of the biggesthospitals in the county, two towns over, and with at least thirty miles between each town it's going to feel as though she's a million miles away. Still, I can’t let my feelings get in her way. Her dreams are finally unfolding in her hands like a daffodil in bloom. She keeps begging me to come with her, so that we can start fresh somewhere new.
I can’t though. She doesn’t know the truth. She doesn’t know the price I paid to keep her heart beating all those years ago. The bargain I made in the dark with thediabhal(devil) himself. That in exchange for her life, mine would never truly be mine again. She thinks it was the doctors that saved her. A miracle on a table. And I want to keep it that way.
She deserves a future unchained. One filled with warmth, the kind that banishes shadows. A life where hope isn’t a gamble, but a promise. Where miracles aren’t myths, but moments she can finally call her own. So, I swallow my dread and keep my smile warm when I see her. I tell myself it’s enough that she’s happy and alive. If I have to stay shackled to this cursed town forever to keep that true. It’s worth it. Every day, it’s worth it.
My mood continues to be positive as I clean the front room, well… other than a stray bottle of water on the coffee table that I can't remember placing there, putting a slight sour on it, my mood stays steady.
After I gather all my things, I step outside, pulling my coat around tighter as a sharp breeze dances up the back of my neck. It sends a shiver rippling down my spine before it’s quickly replaced by a spark of excitement.
Eager to get on my way, I lock the door behind me, slipping my keys into my pocket. As I go to step away something catches my eye. I pause, squinting at my bedroom window. There, smudged near the bottom edge of the glass, are strange creamy and slightly translucent marks.
My brow furrows as I step closer to inspect them. Bird shit? Maybe. However, it doesn’t look quite right. It’s too thick and too streaky. My nose wrinkles in disgust as I lean in. It has a salty scent to it. I huff a laugh under my breath; it reminds me of something. It couldn't be that, could it? I dismiss the thought, either way it’s going to be a bitch to clean.
Not wanting anything to bother me, I brush it from my mind, just another weird, trivial nuisance. Then I turn on my heel, the thought already dissolving into the gentle thrill of seeing my sister again. As I walk down the street, I tuck a mental note away to wash the window later.
Christ, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Each week I meet up with Éire we manage to find something to giggle about. Today she made me the punchline for a full two hours straight. I should have known better than to tell her about my coffee shop humiliation. The second the words left my mouth she nearly fell off her chair laughing. Then she proceeded to dredge up every mortifying memory from our childhood, counting down the greatest hits of our awkwardness. My first crush, her first heartbreak, the time we both got caught practicing kissing on the back of our hands in my bedroom.
By the time we finally calm down, we are both wiping tears from our eyes, with our cheeks flushed pink and our jaws aching.
For a moment, I forget all about the shadows that follow me home and the cold thrill that crawls up my spine when I’m alone. With Éire, it’s just laughter, warmth and that feeling I gave everything for. I wish it could stay like this forever.
After we have our usual tearful goodbye, of her hugging me so tight I swear my ribs might crack, I make my way to the coffee shop. I don’t want to admit it, even to myself, but a tiny reckless part of me is hoping I’ll bump into those hypnotic green eyes again.
Impatient and eager to catch a glimpse ofhim, my green-eyed stranger, I slip inside, forcing a natural ease while my eyes scan the room with quiet desperation. Pretending I’m not hunting for the one face I can’t stop thinking about. My gaze drifts from table to table, my heart skips a beat every time I think I catch a glimpse of brown hair. However, he’s not here.Of course he’s not.I bite down on my lip to keep my disappointment from showing.I’m pathetic.I scold myself silently as I step up to the counter and order the usual caramel latte.
When the server calls my order the first time, I must be miles away because it doesn’t register. It takes her raising her voice for me to snap back to the present. I laugh it off, mumble an apology, and take the warm cup in my hands, as if it’s the only thing that can anchor me here.
Outside, the cool air hits my face but does nothing to clear the sudden heaviness that’s settled over my chest. It’s more thandisappointment, it’s like a shadow pressing down on me, curling cold fingers around my ribs.Brón dorcha nach féidir liom a ainmniú.(A dark sadness I can’t name.)
With the feeling clinging to my chest like a damp mist, I decide to take the long way home. I gulp down my coffee needing the caffeine to cure my own stupidity.
After disposing of the cup in a nearby bin, I force myself to walk. One foot in front of the other, I walk the scenic route that winds through the woods behind town. Maybe if I let the trees swallow me for a while, they’ll take this weight with them.
Sunlight spills through the canopy in soft golden beams, casting the path ahead in shifting patches of warmth and shadow. I take slow, careful steps, breathing in the smell of pine and damp earth. I let my fingers brush over the rough bark of an old oak as I pass, grounding myself. For a second it works. The ache in my chest loosens its grip, replaced by the quiet wonder I always feel here.
However, as I round a bend where the trees grow denser, a strange prickle crawls up the back of my neck. The hairs on my arms stand on end as if I’ve stepped through an invisible veil. I pause, straining to listen, holding my breath. The woods feel too still. The birds have gone quiet. The wind hushes, holding its tongue.
Nervous, I turn slowly, scanning the trees behind me. The path I just came down is empty, sun-dappled and silent. I tell myself it’s nothing, just a deer or my own mind, conjuring.
Still, I can’t shake it. The feeling of eyes brushing over my skin, of something moving just beyond my vision. I swallow hard and force myself to continue forward, step by step, deeper into the woods. Hoping the hush will pass and the warmth of the sun will find me again.
As soon as I get about three quarters of the way through the woods, another uncomfortable prickling begins in my fingers and toes. At first, I thought it was the chill. It's not, it spreads, like static dancing beneath my skin, crawling up my arms and fizzing under my nails. Holy shite, I know this feeling.Táthar ag glaoch orm.(I’m being called on.)
Panic claws in my throat. It’s never happened out here before, in the open, away from home. I glance around frantically. The trees close in, their shadows pressing tighter with every breath. The tingling surges up my legs, burning cold, turning my knees to water.
With a dull helpless thud, I drop, my knees hitting the damp floor. My chest heaves as I fight to hold on. Stupidly I think if I stay upright, I can fight it off. However, the numbness is greedy, curling deeper under my skin. With my heart hammering, I have no other option than to surrender. So, I force myself to lie flat, with my arms by my sides, and my eyes squeezed shut against the creeping dark. I start to count, one… two… three... trying to focus. Hoping to keep the panic at bay as the cold seeps into my spine, filling my head with static.
By the time I reach ten, my mind is drifting, untethered. A bitter taste fills my mouth as dizziness pulls me under. At my feet, the forest floor seems to breathe. A black fog seeps up from thedamp earth, thick as smoke but heavier somehow. Curling over my boots, snaking up my calves. It winds around me, tight and suffocating.Tá ocras air anocht.(It’s hungry tonight.)
Before the world goes silent, I feel the last shiver of my breath slip free. It dissolves into the fog, which swirls faster now, curling around me until I’m nothing but a whisper of myself.
What the fuck am I doing? Who the fuck am I turning into?
The opportunity is here, and I can’t hesitate, I have to take it with both hands. He would have been dead by tomorrow anyway; his lungs are already drowning him from the inside out. Besides, he’s filth, scum. A stain no one would miss. A repeat offender, a monster who puts his hands on women, treating them as if they were nothing but flesh to bruise. So, in some twisted way, I’m doing the world a favour. Maybe that excuses it.
If I’m honest, brutally, and shamefully honest, it’s not about doing good. Not really. It’s because I need to see her again. I need to see her step out of the shadows and into my world in her ghost-like form. The one that has infected my veins like a drug. It terrifies me more than anything but at least now I know just how far I’m willing to go to keep seeing her.
Nervously I close the curtains on the private room he’s in.Luckily the guard stationed outside has fallen asleep, so I click the lock on the door, locking me inside. I take a deep breath as I search the medical cart for what’s needed. If I up the dose of his subscribed medication, it won’t show on his tox screen.
