“Drink,” I said firmly, handing her the cup.
Maybe now was a good time. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone in this. That I had skeletons of my own to work on.
“So, I half lied about where I was today,” I finally said, turning to her. “And about why my phone was off, which won’t happen again. I am so sorry, Lucy. It's just a habit to power down first.”
Her eyes lifted from the floor, the pink color returning to her lips as the water hydrated her body. Her shoulders were rigid, hands trembled, causing some of the water to spill from the sides of the glass.
“No. Nothing like that, I promise,” I cleared my throat before continuing. “I was at therapy.”
“You had therapy…on Christmas Eve?”
“I had an emergency session on Christmas Eve, yes. If you can open your heart and mind, there are a few things I’d like to tell you. I saw firsthand what you have been going through. I promise, you are not alone. Especially when it comes to hiding it from those you love most.”
“About them?” She asked, taking another sip of water before placing it on the coffee table in front of us. “The names on your ribcage. Are they all–”
“Lucy, I–” I placed my head between my knees, taking a few deep breaths because I was so fucking scared right now.
Fuck.
She’s always been my safety, but Dr. Thomas’s words echoed in my head. I almost pulled back, but I knew the best thing to do was to keep going. Maybe it was time to trust someone else. Ask for help and do right by the very names I honored.
I sniffled, the ache in my heart already growing, ready to push each round of sobs up my esophagus and strangle me entirely as every name flashed through my head like a carousel.
“Yeah…they’re gone. I was the only one who survived the mission. Some died in the initial ambush, and some died when we were taken.”
I couldn’t even look her in the eyes right now, ashamed that I was here and celebrating Christmas with the love of my life. They were gone, and I was here, forever stuck in this loop I wanted to end.
My chest.
It hurts.
Tears streamed down my face, and I hadn’t even realized until her thumb swiped under my eye.
“Come here,” she cooed.
I crawled between her legs, resting my head gently over herabdomen. I ran my thumb along her heated skin, looking for comfort and, for the first time, finding it.
“We were diverted and had to take a right instead of going straight. The wheel hit an IED. It flipped. Two died on impact, and the other…we were placing her limbs on top of her chest so she had a chance. Private Ochoa died in transit. They picked us off one by one and took the rest of us. To this day, I can’t even comprehend how I survived.” My voice cracked as the sobs wracked my chest. “Everyone wants responsibility, respect, to lead. Until you’re responsible for leading them through, for getting them out safe. I failed. Why did I get to come home, Lu? They were better than me. They had families, dreams, goals.”
My body shook, stiff from my toes to my teeth as a high-pitched wail left me. I squeezed her tighter, afraid that if I let go, she would vanish too.
“I need you…I’m..I don’t,” I stuttered out.
How do you ask for help? I’d been going through the emotions alone for so long that I’d feared it wasn't possible.
“What were we even fighting for? Cause the lines are a little too blurred for me now.”
“We will get you help, Sam. I promise. Just stay with me. I know you can get through it.” She raked her fingers through my hair softly, repeating the motions until my tears had subsided. For the first time since we had been home from the cabin, my tongue left the roof of my mouth, my jaw unclenched, and I felt relaxed. Like, there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. “Do it for me. You survived because your story isn’t over, only a chapter.”
I didn’t deserve her, or any of this.
“You have no idea what these hands have done. How bloody the hands that you want to touch you have been. Until I was knee deep in war, I was sure there were two sides, and now…I’m not so sure of anything anymore.”
“Can I maybe come to one of your appointments? I would like to learn how to support you.”
She’s not your crutch.
You will destroy her.
