Tap.
It felt like I was underwater, and I wanted relief.
Tap
Tap
“Sam,” he called out.
My eyes darted to his, swallowing thickly as my fingers stilled.
“Hmm?”
“What’s going on?”
“I know. I’m sorry. Fuck,” I breathed in deep, trying to remember what I’d been taught over the last however many years. “I am pretty sure I made things right. Maybe like ninety percent sure.”
“That’s great, and how did the weekend go?”
“It went amazingly. We talked…We…” I trailed off.
“I see. Did you have any urges?”
I snorted. “I’m still sober, if that’s what you're asking. Not one drink hit my lips…not one pill entered my system. Although on more than one occasion I found myself needing aspirin, I worked through the pain just fine.”
“So, what’s going on?”
“Lucy isn’t going to accept how fucked I am. I’ve barely scratched the surface. I don’t know how to tell her everything without her thinking I’m a monster."
“What makes her so special? You have never mentioned her,” he inquired, rubbing his long white beard as he leaned forward.
The air in the room strangled me as I thought about Lucy,
A warmth spread through me as I answered. “The only time I had a nightmare was when I slept alone. She probed me with questions a few times, and I froze up. I submitted to her and let her guide me through her first real orgasm in years. When I am with her, I just want to… sleep.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing, you know? She makes you feel safe. What happened that caused you to disassociate?”
I rubbed my temples, trying to remember, but it wasn’t only this weekend. I hadn’t been doing very well at predicting when it would happen or trying to figure out my triggers. Maybe it was time to start and accept that I needed more help than these once-a-week sessions.
“I can’t really pinpoint it, Doc. Sometimes it’s a car horn blaring a little too loud, or someone taking too long to cash out groceries. Even something as simple as popcorn burning. I am not chasing the high anymore, but I don’t know what to do. I am already preparing for the worst-case scenario with Lucy. Now that the weekend is over, what’s stopping her from wanting to move forward?”
“Listen, Samuel. If you want something real with this woman, then you owe her an honest conversation. It doesn’t have to be everything all at once. I understand that you feel safe, but she is not your crutch. She can help ground you when you need it, but you cannot, by any means, take everything she has…You will destroy everything beautiful about her.”
Tears spilled over, and I quickly wiped them away with the back of my hand like they never existed.
He was right. My obsession with Lu had become its own addiction, worse than the others, and I was too blind to see it until now. I think the first step was to tell her something deeper than what I’d mentioned at the lodge.
“I don’t want to hurt her. I want everything, the home, the happiness. Kids that look like her, have her attitude, and come to me when they mess up and need someone to bail them out.”
“We can go over some medica?—”
“No,” I interrupted. “You are not hearing me. No meds, I won’t go through that again, and I sure as hell won’t put her through that.”
I leaned back in the chair and crossed my arms, a lone tear burning a trail down my face. Dr. Thomas really sucked sometimes, and somehow every appointment ended with him wanting to shove pills down my throat. I couldn’t get better this way.
“If you change your mind, we can help you.”
“Thanks, Doc. I have to go, and I appreciate you taking time away from family to meet for a bit.”
