Seeing Reef again brought it all back. I practiced the breathing techniques the therapist taught me along with the list of affirmations we’d written together.
I said them over and over until my body stopped shaking and I could sit up.
Bypassing breakfast, I snuck out of the house and went for a really long walk.
I didn’t mean to end up at the cemetery, but here I am, gazing down at Atlas’s gravestone.
“Hey.” I take a seat on the grass. The sun has already dried it off for me and is threatening a scorcher of a day. A fine sheen of sweat is covering my body, and I wipe the back of my hand across my forehead.
Picking at the grass, I try to think of what I really want to say to this man.
I’ve visited him a few times since I got home. The therapy has really been helping me work through my grief. I hadn’t realized I’d just been burying it under this pile of denial. Atlas was perfect. I was scum. And that was that.
Therapy has helped me unearth the truth.
Atlas was far from perfect.
And that night I left the party, I was protecting myself.
Unfortunately, that move had fatal consequences, but I am only responsible for the choice I made that night, no one else’s.
If I could turn back time, would I stay?
Yes. Because I may have been able to stop Atlas from taking those pills. I might have even seen who gave them to him and been able to stop them.
But that’s not my reality.
And the truth is…
I sigh. “You treated me badly.” My voice shakes every time I admit this to him. But at least I finally can. “I had every right to walk away from that conversation.”
My head bobs as another sigh rushes out of me.
“I bumped into Reef yesterday. Remember him?” I smile. “Of course you do. You loved that guy.” My nose wrinkles. “I never fully understood it, because I never liked him. Not really. I pretended for your sake, but…” I shudder. “There was just something about him that didn’t gel with me and…” My body goes still, the blade of grass in my hand starting to tremble as a thought hits me. “You know what? I think it’s because I was missing Tyrell. Reef kind of filled that spot in your life when Ty left, and I just didn’t rate him. I could see that he didn’t bring out the best in you. Ty always did. He was your silent conscience or something. He kept you in check and… well, Reef didn’t. And I guess that was one of the reasons why I never really warmed to him.”
I tip my head, looking up at the morning sky.
“Wow, you know I… I’ve only just figured that out now.” My laughter is dry. “I guess I’ve always cared about Tyrell. Always liked him. And now I…” My swallow is thick as I stare at Atlas’s name on the stone. “I love him. I miss him.”
Biting my lips together, I start to bob my head and really acknowledge this. Really own my feelings over the whole Ty situation. It feels weird saying all of this to Atlas, but maybe it’s also cathartic.
“I’ve spent weeks trying to deny this, but it’s just been growing inside me.” I tap my chest. “I want Tyrell. And I thought I couldn’t do a relationship, and maybe I still can’t.” My shoulders slump as I mutter a soft “Shit.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I pinch the bridge of my nose, the scents of summer whistling around me as I try to figure out what I’m trying to say.
“It’d be so unfair of me to mess him around like that, but…” My eyes pop open and I stare at the gravestone, tracing each letter of Atlas’s name with my gaze. “I think I was made to lovesomeone. Like romantically. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life. I only said that because I was scared. I wasterrified, and I…” Biting the inside of my cheek, I release a shaky huff. “Maybe I’m not so much anymore.”
Plucking a fresh grass blade from the ground, I run my fingers over it, my throat swelling as I keep talking.
“I wish you’d never left me. I wish you hadn’t taken those damn drugs. I wish you hadn’t started hanging with Reef and those other musicians. I wish you could have stayed that sweet, bright-eyed guy from high school.” I smile at his inscription—Beloved son and friend. Forever in our hearts. My nose starts to tingle, and I look to the sky, the white puffy clouds floating above me as I croak, “I was so in love with you, Atlas. And I would have stayed loyal to you through thick and thin. But… you died. And you told me to fuck off when all I was trying to do was help you.”
I eyeball his name, picturing his abashed grin.
“I’m sorry that I told you to go to hell. I didn’t mean if, of course.” I huff. “And I’m sorry that I did fuck off. Deep down, I knew you needed me, but I was so mad at you. And now…”
I shake my head, but my voice comes out all soft and easy… because I’ve been practicing this.
“I forgive myself for that. I was just trying to protect myself, and I can see that now, and I forgive me.” I bite my lips together, tears burning my eyes as my lips wobble into a smile. “And I forgive you, because you did screw up that night. You screwed up a lot of times before that too. And I shouldn’t have tried to make you perfect in my mind. I only did that out of guilt. And it’s held me back. So…” I suck in a breath. “I forgive you, and I’m finally ready to let you go.” Tears fill my eyes then, one spilling over and trailing down my cheek. “I love you, Atlas, and you’ll always be a precious part of my memory… my story. But it’s time for me to go and write a new one. For real this time.”
