I wait for Reed to scold me and order me back indoors, but he stays quiet. A few more seconds pass before he moves to my left and sits beside me. He’s only a foot away, and all I can see from the corner of my eye are his gloved hands, hanging idly from the railing.
We sit in the silence and watch as the snow falls upon the city below. I’m about to ask him how Cameron is just as I catch the birchwood scent I know so keenly.
My back muscles stiffen before he speaks.
“I’m… I’m so sorry, Em.”
Cameron’s voice sends a chill down my spine, and I instinctively flinch.Run, a small voice inside me screams. I don’t think I could make my muscles work right now even if I tried.
Slowly, I lift my head and gaze up at him. A warm orange light from the lampposts lining the property illuminate his figure, making his pale blond hair look like licks of fire. His soft green eyes are averted and filled with suffering.
He looks like he’s barely awake, skin so pale it makes the cold blush from the wind bright red across his cheeks and the scar on his eye darker. It only makes him more lovely. I can’t pull my eyes away from him.
I forgot he said anything. I’m so shocked that he’s actually here right now that my mind is void of thought.
His hands are clasped together on his lap, tethered togetherwith handcuffs. I’m surprised that Reed even allowed him up here. I glance over my shoulder and see Reed with an MK-17 at his side as he smokes a cigarette. His eyes flash to mine only for a moment before he looks back out over the winter terrain. He only does things if it serves him. Is he studying our interaction?
Why let Cameron out here to chat, though? I huff and bring my attention back forward, almost immediately sensing Reed’s eyes on my back.
He did this in boarding school, too, watching others show affection was his biggest curiosity. He analyzed them the most, to learn, I think, which is a bit chilling.
Cameron works his jaw, struggling to find words, much like I am, it seems. I’m trying to decide which version of me I should present to him.
“I know you saw the footage of what I did. I’ve watched it a thousand times over and it’s eaten me up inside each time. I’m—” His voice trembles and he swallows.
Emotions bubble up inside me, twisting my heart and ultimately only anger slips out. No matter how sad I am, or how much I miss him, I’m so fucking mad that he pushed me away like this.
“You’re not sorry, Cameron.” He physically jolts at the sound of his name and finally looks at me. Misery in a man’s eyes is truly a thing to behold. “Ibeggedyou. I cried andscreamedyour name, but still…you got rid of me the only way you knew how. Then you lied to me and pretended like you didn’t know me. Like I wasnothingto you.” I shake my head with heartache spilling on my sleeve.
His expression breaks and he bites down on his lower lip as tears prickle his eyes.
“I know,” he chokes out in a mere whisper. “You should hate me.”
It’s not fair, I argue in my mind. He wasn’t in control. “My mind is a fucking mess right now.” I clench my hands. “All I ever asked of you was for the truth.”
His eyes are that of a hollow man who has nothing left. He nods once and gives me an anguished grin. “I know.”
He’s still choosing to be closed off? Anger builds up deep inside my chest. I slip out from the railing and stand, turning to leave.
“Fuck, Em, I am sorry…more than I could ever tell you. I just—” He threads his fingers through his hair like he’s desperate. “How much do you remember?” Cameron’s voice has hardened back up and I’m glad for it.
It’s easier this way. It always has been.
My hands clench at my sides. “I remember everything, Cam.” My words feel lost in the snow as it flutters to the ground between us. I spare one look over my shoulder to see his expression and it’s more torturous than I could’ve imagined. He looks completely struck down by my admittance.
Now he knows how it feels.I force my head forward. If I don’t leave now, I’ll only want to comfort him, and that’s not fucking happening.
I pass Reed without looking at him. I’m so fucking pissed off that he let Cameron come up here in the first place. Reed reaches back and grabs my wrist. We stand facing opposite directions.
“Let go,” I say sternly.
He ignores me. “You okay?”
I turn and meet his gaze. “Don’t act like it matters to you.” I tear my arm from his grip and continue down the stairs.
Later in the evening after dinner, I return to my room and stare at the list of names my father left behind. I’ll be crossing some of them off this week. It almost feels like I never left.
Greg hasn’t said two words to me since our initial reunion, proving that he never actually wanted to get me back because he cared about me. He only wanted his highly trained asset returnedto him. Mother wasn’t waiting for me like he said she was. She hasn’t even called to speak with me. Not that I expected her to. I knew he was probably lying to me about it, but I still held out a sliver of hope.
