The sound of pills jostles through the tent as I shake a few intomy hand. It’s easy to blame the meds and say that they are the cause of my undoing, but in reality I know that it’s just me.
I’m always the fucking root problem.
I swallow three pills and stick one beneath my tongue. I lie back down before lifting my hand and staring at it thoughtfully. I haven’t been losing control like before.
The nosebleeds are still frequent, but the other symptoms seem to be fading for the most part. Maybe Nolan was right about this final drug, it’s almost ready for the upstairs forces. But what about the brain fog and uncontrollable need to kill? Mine has dissipated greatly, but Emery disposed of two soldiers easily on her own. If not for me devising it to look like they abandoned their duty, Nolan would’ve sniffed it out quickly.
The better part of thirty minutes pass before Emery sneaks back inside the tent. I watch her navigate the dark with ease.
Her eyes lift to mine, noticing that I’m observing her.
“Did I wake you?” she whispers, carefully sliding off her boots and setting them at the end of her cot.
I exhale and return my eyes to the top of the tent.
“No, I’ve been awake.” My voice is distant and dull.
She hesitates to respond to that as she lies down and pulls the blanket over herself. “One thing,” she eventually murmurs.
My brows furrow and I turn to look at her. Those rich honey-toned eyes are focused solely on me. Her hair unbraided and loose around her pillow.God, I’ll never get tired of being able to see like this in the dark.
“What?”
“One thing,” she repeats. “Tell me one more thing about myself that I’ve forgotten.” My jaw flexes and I struggle to swallow down the emotions that follow every time she asks me to tell her about the memories I stole. The guilt is more painful than anything I’ve ever endured. It’s not sharp or debilitating, it’s a slow, progressive weightthat continues to weigh me down until I can hardly stand. Until each breath feels bated.
“I already told you one.” My eyes drift to her hand curling beneath her head.
Her nose scrunches. “Oh, come on. Why are you fighting this so hard?” she snaps at me. I dismiss her, there’s no way I can unpack all of that tonight, not before a mission. That pisses her off more and she hucks one of her boots at me.
I catch it before it can tear the tent, and I sit up, glaring at her. “Because I don’t want to talk about you.” It sounds a lot harsher than I was going for. The shocked expression that spreads through her features impales me like an arrow to the heart.
She lets her eyes fall to the ground as she searches for words. Shaking her head, she finally looks up at me. “And here I was, thinking you actually liked me once. I guess I was wrong,” she says slowly. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world, but when I see the scar on the side of her forehead where I smashed that rock against her skull, all I remember is how much I hurt her.
I don’t want to hurt her again. And if we’re distant, she’ll likely be able to fend me off if I attack her like I did before. I fucked up last night. I shouldn’t give in and hold her, taste her, worship her, but God do I want to.
She rolls onto her side and faces the tent. I spend a matter of minutes listening to her breaths, knowing she’s thinking about how cruel I am before I decide to get up and go for a walk to clear my head.
The cool evening air is refreshing. It’s much colder than California, but the Great Basin is quieter. The large rock formations give ample shelter, it’s no wonder the hideout has been hidden out here for so long. I pat the outer part of my thigh to make sure my combat knife is still seated in its sheath just in case I run into trouble.
All the steps I take don’t expel the flicker of hurt I saw in her eyes, so I keep walking until it’s time to invade the hideout.
Lieutenant Erik goes over the plan once more before we set out to breach the hideout.
I hand Emery her helmet and make sure her headset is on. She won’t even look at me. I don’t blame her, but we can’t have personal issues getting in the way of the mission. Not like we did in the second trial.
“Hey, are we okay?” I bump her with my arm.
She shoots me a calloused look. “We?Sure.”
Shit.
I grit my teeth and fasten my helmet on. “You’re going to follow me exactly like how we trained last week. No errors,” I state rigidly. She nods nonchalantly, placing doubt in my trust that she’s going to listen to orders.
Yeah, she’s still really fucking pissed off at me.I pull up my mask as the rest of our squad mates get ready as well. We were issued the same skull face pieces from the trials. Mori and Morphine. A pair. I smeared them with beige war paint so that we blend seamlessly in with the desert terrain.
Gage lifts his sniper rifle strap over his head and sets his elbow on Emery’s shoulder. I glower at the contact. “You guys ready? I’ve got your backs out there, so you don’t need to be too nervous, Morphine,” he teases her as he pulls her mask up for her.
Okay, that’s a little much.I grab his wrist and give him a warning look.
