His mouth firms. “It gets worse.”
“Maybe it will get better.”
He side-eyes me. “So positive.”
“So negative,” I mutter back.
His eyes flicker and hope fills his loose grin. He parts his lips to say more, but he reconsiders and closes them. Instead, guiding me closer to the water’s edge, led by moonlight and the waves that reach upward on distant tides.
“Take your shoes off,” he says as he slides his feet out of his own.
I do as he says, still entertaining the warmth in my chest that he’s sharing his secret nightly excursion with me.
My toes lower to the sand and I’m surprised by how warm it is even during the colder months of the year. I glance up at him. “Now what?”
“We’re going to walk and enjoy a sliver of something before we’re sent straight to a mission that has a high likelihood of going south.”
I firm my lips, staring down at my toes as the shoreline greets them. “Do you really think it’s going to be that bad?” I say as we stroll across the beach. We could be anyone but who we really are in this moment. If I shut my eyes and pretend it can easily be true. A world away from this one, with no scars and pills and blood.
He would be there.
My cheeks burn at the image of Mori in my mind, smiling as we do something as normal as cooking eggs, scrambled on a Saturday morning.
Mori lets his knuckles gently brush against my hand, the touch pulling me back to the present. “Yeah, I do. Thomas wasn’t wrong the other day. This is a suicide mission at best. I’ve never had to escort an assetandprotect them before. What if she can’t get the door opened in time before backup comes? What if she dies? Captain Bridger won’t let us return without that drive.”
I nod thoughtfully. “And now I’m killing people without realizing it too. I don’t know how you do it.” The words come out careless and are stagnant in the space between us before I can think them over.
He stops walking and a pained expression works its way over his features. Mori flexes his jaw and blows out a slow breath.
“I’m sorry…but honestly, how do you cope with it? I didn’t know them, so it’s not too heavy on my mind, but what if it had been you that I hurt? I don’t think I could forgive myself,” I say softly. My brows knit together when his features only twist more with misery and sorrow.
“I betrayed the only person I ever loved, and I’ll never forgive myself for it.” He looks away as his voice breaks.
A pang of grief flutters through me and tears start prickling in my eyes. I don’t know why, though. Maybe it’s my subconscious that feels sorry for him. Or perhaps it’s the fact that he loves someone else and it stings me. I gently weave my fingers through his, drawing his chin to face me again.
“How did you betray them?” I ask, knowing it’s a little pushy. He stares at me for a moment before glancing out toward the waves.
“I killed her.”
My heart constricts. He killed the person he loved? “How?” I must either be brave or very stupid.
Mori lets the silence speak for him. I decide not to push my luck.
After a few minutes he clears his throat and changes the subject. “Well, if we both have to worry about losing control, then this mission is doomed from the start. Though, I’m only prone to killing my direct partner in the field.” His eyes find mine briefly before he sets the pace down the beach once more.
I start a few steps behind, letting my gaze linger on his back. Warm, wet sand settles my nerves as I slowly stride between the thin line that connects the land and ocean.
“You know, I thought you were calloused this entire time, but for some reason I just can’t picture you harming me. If you lose control, I’ll be safe,” I mutter confidently.
His hands fist together tightly and he doesn’t respond as we continue to walk.
“Tell me one thing.” I shift gears so we don’t spend the evening shrouded in gloom.
He grunts. “Not tonight, Emery.” He sounds cold again, distancing himself like he’s good at doing.
I stop walking. He takes a few more paces before noticing and turning to look back at me.
“Why did you help me earlier? If you found me and saw what I did… Why did you help me?” He soaks me in with an unreadable face.
