Ryan
10:15 p.m.
I needed you to see this
Aelin scrolled to the next picture. It was Megan and Rhonda, laughing, about to take a drink out of two very phallic straws. She laughed and scrolled to his next text.
Ryan
12:56 a.m.
I’ve been thinking about you all day. You don’t need to respond to any of these, by the way. But I realized because I hadn’t heard from you, I was assuming you didn’t want to hear from me, instead of assuming that this week has probably been a bitch.
That’s what I hope you’ll be tomorrow. I mean, you can be whoever you want. But if I had to choose my version of Aelin, that’s what I would choose
Nice Aelin or compassionate Aelin doesn’t have any place in that mediation. Don’t feel bad about being a shark. It wasn’t your fault that he took advantage of you.
Guard your home ice
Tears slipped down Aelin’s cheek as she set her phone on the mattress and laid back on the pillow.How had he known?It wasn’t that she needed permission going into this meeting, butgetting it felt like oxygen. Like she’d been trapped inside a box and someone had finally opened the lid.
It isn’t your fault.
She was beginning to believe that, but it had taken so long to get there. How many times had she asked herself the same questions?How had she not seen the red flags? How had she not seen the signs? Why would she have allowed herself to get pregnant after knowing who Clark was—at least partially? Why had she stayed? Why had she allowed Bailey to live in a home like that?
Why, why, why?
Now at least she had language to help herself understand the answers. Her therapist had taught her all the things, but she was still working on allowing her brain and heart to connect. She turned back to her phone and tapped, watching the cursor blink and scrolling through the letters on the miniature keypad. She stared at the screen for a full two minutes before she closed it again.
Every time she thought about texting Ryan, it was the same thing—a complete block. She wanted to open up to him, to tell him what she was feeling. But how could she possibly admit that it was nothing? How could she explain that she felt scoured and bleached out?
She forced herself up out of bed and did yoga on the front porch as the sun rose, then came inside and made breakfast.
_____
Aelin smoothed down Bailey's braid for the third time. Overhead, the sky was a flat, steely grey, a perfect reflection of the knot twisting in her stomach. Somewhere, the thought of Ryan setting up for Country’s wedding floated, but she couldn’t quite grasp it.
She pulled out of their neighbourhood and let Bailey stream whatever music she wanted. Traffic was light, and it only took twelve minutes for them to turn onto Megan’s street. Her eyes travelled over the rows of well-kept suburban homes. Megan's house was no exception, with its perfectly manicured lawn and tidy garden beds.
She pulled into the driveway, and Megan appeared at the door, a tight smile spreading across her face. Aelin parked the car and unbuckled her seatbelt. "Alright, Bails. You ready?"
Bailey nodded and opened her door. Aelin stepped out, her navy blouse billowing in the morning breeze. She tugged at the hem, straightening the fabric over her tailored pants. They'd been a splurge, but she'd wanted to look professional. Confident.Like a fit mother.
“Don’t worry about anything.” Megan motioned for Bailey to come up the steps. “We’ll have so much fun, you won’t even notice your mom is gone.”
Aelin’s heart ached. Bailey didn’t fully understand what was happening that morning, but she knew enough. Aelin knew she must be feeling the stress of everything, but she never talked about it. Clark had conditioned her to be the most anxious when people were quiet.
Aelin gave her a hug. “Bye, love. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
Aelin mouthed“Thank you”to Megan and walked back to her car. She started the engine and pulled out of the driveway, her mind already racing ahead to the mediation.
The unknown was the worst part.
Her thoughts spun from one potential trap to another untilshe pulled into the parking garage near Jules’s office. She grabbed her purse and heard her phone buzz.
Aelin pulled it out, and her stomach flipped.
Ryan
