The wedding. Xander’s confession. Me walking off on him. Again.
And most importantly, I tell her about Mom admitting her entire book is a fucking hoax.
When I’m done, Em is silent. And then she lets out a whistle. “Holy shit. You just had a reckoning with your rules.”
I nod. “I mean, part of me still thinks I was onto something back then. That I wasn’t entirely wrong. That my mom wasn’t entirely wrong. Because I haven’t had my heart broken in eleven years. So I must have done something right—”
“Really?” Em says, interrupting me. “You think you haven’t been walking around with a broken heart?” Sarcasm drips off every word. I proceed to ignore the subtext.
“Until now,” I say. “No.”
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”
“You are full of shit,” Em says, enunciating every word. “You’ve heard me say this in one form or another over the years, but I’m going to say it again.”
Oh fuck, here we go.
“Your parents’ relationship was so brutal that you decided love means war. And now you’re blowing yourself up to stay true to some thought formed when your brain wasn’t even fully formed. You’re willing to ignore love, real love, because of that?”
“Who said anything about love?” I say, pumping the brakes on this conversation.
“You’re joking, right?” Em says, eyebrows raised.
“I’m dead-ass serious.”
“You’re in love with Xander,” Em says.
“What?” My heart squeezes so hard I almost join Cody on the ground.
“Love.You know, a profoundly tender, passionate affection, often mingled with sexual desire, for another person,” Em says, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the actual definition in the dictionary. Fucking English teacher.
“I didn’t think that was possible,” I say.
“Of course you didn’t. You’ve been spoon-fed bullshit by your mother for the past fifteen years,” she says. Well, that is one thing we can agree on.
“Love is not just possible. True love can last a lifetime,” Em says.
I let the words wash over me.
Eleven years isn’t a lifetime, but it has felt like forever.
Holy shit.
“I’m in love with Xander,” I say, blinking.
And our first night together comes flooding back, all encompassing.
The heat coming off Xander’s body, fanning the flames I feel inside. The moment I put my hand on his heart to feel hisheartbeat. Fast but steady. Like he’s never been so sure of anything in his entire life. He was all in. All. In.
I blink, and there are tears in my eyes. Because the truth is, in that moment, I was all in too. But here I am eleven years later, with a fuck-ton of excuses, half in. Only half in with anyone. Only ever half in with Xander. And this hurts the most. The fact I was only brave enough to give Xander half of me.
My heart shudders.
Let me tell you, finding out you’re in love with someone is the worst. Actually, scrap that. Finding out you’re in love with someone you hurt is the actual fucking worst.
That’s why I’m rotting on the couch.
