“Thestupidbook?” I say, my eyes wide at the confession. “Your bestsellingstupidbook that left millions of women worldwide ‘uncapable of love’? Are you kidding me?”
I register the shock on her face as I quote the words she used to describe me at the wedding.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect it to take off like it did. I wrote it from a place of hurt, and somehow it turned into a movement. I had no control over it.”
“You didn’t have anycontrolover selling your book to a streaming network show for millions more?” I shout, the last of the tears vanishing.
“The TV show escalated quickly,” she says, wincing. “I never wanted the book to be an anthem for how anyone—especially my daughter—chooses to live and love.”
Are you shitting me?
“Hate to break it to you, Mom,” I say, as my reality seems to shatter around me. I narrow my eyes. “It wasn’t just my anthem. It dictated my life.”
My mom has the decency to look down at the floor. But I’m not finished yet. “You know, your words made women everywhere so certain that the person theydoactually love will leave, cheat, abandon, or hurt them that they don’t even bother letting them in—like nevertrulylet them in.” My voice cracks on that last one, my heart flashing to all I’ve kept from Xander. And all he’s revealed to me.
“I’m sorry, that was not my intention,” Mom says slowly.
“So, youdon’tbelieve your own bullshit? Love and lustcancoexist? One personcanbe it all?” I say, my frustration growing. She looks genuinely upset. But I don’t care. I’m so angry.
“You father was my everything,” she says, and this time her voice wobbles, like admitting that out loud is a pain she hasn’t felt in fifteen years.
And there we have it. Even with the cheating and the heartbreak, he was the one person who was her all, and yet, it all ended in heartbreak, so who cares? She was right.
“Was it worth it?” I ask, but I know the answer.
I want to smack myself upside the head. I’m so embarrassed. Here I was, thinking I’d gamed the system. The system Mom told me was broken. I was never going to be heartbroken because I was never going to let anyone in. But the system isn’t broken. It was never broken. It was all a lie. Fuck.
You either get heartbroken by walking away from the love of your life, or you take a chance on love—so why not have all-encompassing love? Even for a little bit.
“I’d do it all again if I could,” she says, and silent tears roll down my cheeks.
I stare at her, still trying to comprehend that I took my parents’ relationship and built an entire lifestyle based off it to protect myself. I studied chemistry so I could rationally explain every feeling with science. I set the rules to see every guy worth sleeping with as an instant douche so I could remove emotion.
And it was all a complete and utter joke.
CHAPTER THIRTY
I hit the ball with such frustration it lands smack bang in the crotch of our tennis coach, Cody.
“Fuck!” He clutches his manhood as he goes down. All we see is his sandy-blond hair as he curls up in a ball. “You’ve got a serve on you,” he says, wheezing from the ground.
“You weren’t using those anyway, right?” I say, calling out from our side of the tennis court. Oh, I am in a mood.
And because Cody didn’t wake up and choose violence today, he raises a thumb up, but he’s more like rolling around on the court, withering in pain than A-okay. I turn my back on him and walk back to the baseline.
“Let me get you some water,” Em calls out, then grabs me by the arm and pulls me toward our water bottles on the edge of the court. Oh great, now Em’s in a mood, too. This’ll be fun.
“Was that necessary?” Em hisses. She was planning on asking him for drinks—and most likely more—after our lesson.
“I’m sure you’ll still be able to play with his balls later,” I say, dismissing her. I reach for my water bottle, but she slaps it out of my hand before I take a sip. Before I can chastise her, she beats me to it.
“What the fuck is going on?” Em says, standing with her hands on her hips. I stare at my water bottle that rolls from left to right until it finally stops. Then, I look at her, and her face morphs from pissed-off to concerned. “What happened between you and Xander?”
She picks up my water bottle and hands it to me.
I take a sip then tell her everything.
Every kiss. Every laugh. Every snuggle.
