“You have to get used to falling if you want to stand,” he says, oh-so-wise. I feel the water whirl around my waist as his arms methodically move back and forth. “But I got you.”
That last line makes me squirm, so I ignore it. “The question, Miller.” I raise my eyebrows.
Xander kicks out on his back and creates a little distance between us.
“I love being my clients’ trusted adviser. I love becoming a part of their lives. I love helping smooth the path forward,” he says. It’s so simple yet so profound, my mind boggles. Not because of the fat paycheck? Wait—are lawyersnice? Do they not go around laughing that they got some murdering bitch off on a technicality, only to release her back on the streets for her to kill again?
“People tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. I not only keep them, I use them for good,” he says, turning onto his stomach and swimming back to me.
It’s so sincere I have no choice but to believe him, and it gets me wondering. If Xander is busy being everyone’s confidant, offering his shoulder for everyone to unload on, who doeshehave?
“That sounds like a blessing and also a burden,” I say, unable to keep my observations to myself. He pulls up right in front of me.
“How so?” he says, eyes roaming my face. This time, we stay exactly where we are. Close.
“Who do you spill your deepest, darkest secrets to?” I ask, a little quieter this time. The idea that Scarlett was once that person hits me. The idea that he’ll find someone else hits me harder. And the idea that I might want to be that person hits me so hard I feel sick. Sucker punched.
He breaks contact first, looking back out to the ocean like it has the answers, when he says sharply, “Get up.”
“What?” I say, confused by the change in tone and delivery.
“The board. Get on the board now,” he says, tearing his eyes off the horizon. They’re lit up. “There’s a wave coming.”
In a flurry of activity, I lay flat on the board and am instructed to paddle. And not stop paddling. Xander is out of view, in the water behind me, pushing me. I do as I’m told and paddle.
And paddle. And paddle. And paddle.
And just when I think surfing is actually paddling, I feel it. The pull. The surfboard catches the wave and I don’t have to paddle anymore.
“Stand up!” I hear Xander shout from behind me.
Here goes nothing. I press my arms into a push-up position, like Xander showed me on the beach, and I’m on my feet. Somehow, I’m on my feet and I’m fucking surfing.
Holy shit.
I can hear Xander cheering from behind me. And I look ahead and see Eva and Scar on the beach cheering too.
My mind clears. All the overthinking, gone. My past quietens down. My rules don’t matter.
In this moment, it’s just me and the wave.
Supporting me. Lifting me up. Carrying me.
It’s so liberating. And it’s all because of one man.
I turn around and throw my hands up at Xander to celebrate and immediately fall off.
A moment later, Xander pops up next to me. Did he just surf without a board? I don’t care.
“I did it!” I say, reaching both my hands up for a double high five.
“Yeah, you fucking did,” he says, high fiving me. “I knew you could.”
“That was the fucking best,” I say, jumping up and down on the spot until I jump directly onto Xander in a celebratory hug.
His hands slide under my thighs and I wrap my legs around his waist.
And then we just grin at each other until he cocks his head and says, “Want to go again?”
