“Are we finally clocking this sleep study?” I say into the darkness. I mean there is only one answer and it’s yes.
We’re lying next to each other and while I’m still aware that the hard lines of Xander’s body are in proximity, my body doesn’t malfunction like it used to. I almost find comfort in it. Call it exposure therapy.
“Xander?” I say, turning to face him when he doesn’t respond. Even though we’re in the dark, a sliver of moonlight through the curtain casts shadows on the tips of his eyelashes, and they’re downcast.
I scooch a little closer.
Those eyes are closed shut.
Holy shit. Xander’s asleep.
Xander Miller issleeping.
What do I do? Do I call Ben in here? Does he need to be made aware of this development? It’s a fucking miracle. Give Dr. Waitley and her team all the awards.
I can’t look away. His curls fan across his forehead and the pillow. His half-moon scar on his lip looks a little less sharp. The frown lines that are usually etched into his forehead are softer.
He really is fucking beautiful.
I reach out to him, my fingertips gently smoothing the frown lines. His face relaxes instantly.
There’s a soft, sweet sound that comes on his next breath. It sounds like what I imagine peace sounds like. And I wonderhow long it has been since Xander experienced peace. I like that I’m the person that gets to do that for him.
My hands freeze at this confession—thisrevelation.
Oh, fuck.
Alarm bells sound in my body, signaling a whole bunch of adrenaline to be dumped in my bloodstream. The pages of Mom’s book flick behind my eyes.
Chapter 1:Bonding Versus Boning & Why Oxytocin Is Cockblocking Your Sex Drive
Chapter 4:The Dating Delusion & Where Love and Lust Go To Die
Chapter 7:Monogamy, the Libido Killer & the Truth About Sexless Relationships
This can’t be happening.
Dating Xander is transactional. It’s as fake as my spray tan. Surely none of this applies to our situation. And yet, I can’t gaslight myself. Feelings have entered the chat. Sure, it was a brief moment. A single feel was given.
I blame Post-Orgasm Ash.
What an idiot. She got all up in herfeelings.
My kingdom for a one-night stand instead of this mess.
I slip out of bed all stealth-like and grab my phone off the table. I look over and see that Xander hasn’t been disturbed. I can’t help but smile.
There I go again. Feeling. What, exactly? I don’t know. Happy? Content? Gross. I wipe that smile off my face immediately. Although, I can appreciate and marvel at the results of the sleep study. Science and all. And so the enforced frown on my face turns upside down because it really is a miracle Xander is asleep and it’s only—I look at my phone—11PM.
Perfect. Em will most definitely still be up.
In the safety of the bathroom, I hit dial. She answers immediately, which tells me she’s been scrolling her phone on the sofa with something on in the background she’s seen a million times before that requires exactly three brain cells to follow.
“Chapter three,” I say. In the stark light of the bathroom, I don’t feel as sure of myself as I did in the darkness. I need reinforcements. I need my best friend to tell me that everything is going to be okay.
“Refresh my memory,” Em says. That’s the beauty of having a best friend like Em. It’s like our conversations are never-ending and so there’s never a need to interrupt with a basic salutation like, “Hi, how are you?”
“The paradox of sexual chemistry and why it evaporates once you care too much,” I say.
