She quickly pulled her hand away. “I’m so sorry, Lothar.”
“You’re sorry?” There was a snarl in my voice that I couldn’t swallow.
“Yes, I’m sorry, you have no idea how much.”
The sooner I could put distance between us, the better. “You think an apology could ever make this right?”
Her eyes were wide. “No, of course not, but I need you to hear me, really hear what I’m saying.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
“Well, we need to talk about it. I need you to understand that you didn’t force yourself on me, you didn’t?—”
“I did, and we both know it. I don’t need more of your lies to appease me. I was reduced to a rutting beast, Roxy. I shoved you against a wall, and I forced you to mate?—”
“Stop it,” she snapped. “Do I look traumatized to you? Do I look hurt or afraid?”
I ground my teeth. “We don’t have time to talk about this.”
“Yes, we do.” She shook her head. “Lothar?—”
“Maybe you’re just used to fucking monsters against your will?” I fired at her. “Lucifer made you his whore, anyone he chose for you, right? So maybe you’re not the best judge in this case.”
She flinched.
I was so fucking angry with her that I’d been intentionally cruel. Every word had been said to cause harm. I was as much a monster as the ones I’d thrown in her face. I’d already physically hurt her multiple times, but obviously that wasn’t enough for me. “I didn’t mean that,” I rushed out.
“You hate me, and I get it. Believe me, I hate myself more, but if you hear nothing else that I say to you, if you never speak to me again, please hear this—you did not force yourself on me. For better or worse, you are my mate, Lothar, and in that cell, in that moment, I submitted to you in every way. I submitted willingly. I wanted you too.”
I was desperate for that to be true, to believe that she’d wanted me, too, that I wasn’t the worst kind of monster a male can be. “I want to believe that.”
“Believe it.”
That was why she’d avoided fucking me, wasn’t it? The times we were together on this trip. She was afraid that I’d work it out, that my body would give away the truth, which is exactly what had happened. “Then why?” I snarled. “Why did you and Lucifer fuck with my head? Why did you hide the truth of what we were for so long?”
Her slender throat worked. “You still can’t remember anything of that time?”
“Obviously not.”
She chewed her lip, and I hated that even now, even after the betrayal and the lies, I still wanted to kiss her so badly it fucking hurt.
“I…I thought it was the right thing to do at the time,” she said.
In other words, she chose Lucifer over me. Like she would always choose Lucifer over everyone and everything. She’d tossed me aside, as if the sacred bond between us was nothing, to serve her king, to put his needs and wants first, and she didn’t even have the courage to admit it.
“No, you and Lucifer decided to take that choice from me. Everything you do is for him, right? He comes first, always.” I released her and sat up, fucking desperate to put some distance between us. The beast was still volatile, and with all the new emotions that had been awoken inside me when we mated, I was struggling on a whole new level.
“Lothar, please.” She touched my arm.
I jerked it back, hissing with rage, with confusion. My mind spun and my body ached for a mate who had never truly wanted me. I fucking despised myself, despised her, for how much I wanted to pull her close again.
“We’re mated, but that’s where it ends,” I growled out, unable to even look at her anymore. “You and Lucifer can have your happily ever after together. I’d rather be alone for eternity than be with someone who was so disgusted by the idea of being mated to me that she’d rather wipe my fucking memories, suppress my fucking instincts, and lie to me for centuries.” I lifted my head and met her wide-eyed stare. “I may still be trying to figure out all these new emotions hammering me, but I’m pretty sure I’ve worked out the one I’m feeling the strongest right now. Hate. I fucking hate you, Roxy, for what you did to me. When we get out of this, I want you to stay the fuck away from me.”
Chapter
Twenty-Six
Lothar
